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Rising Sun<九歌>
白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
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PostPosted: 2006-10-14 17:36:14    Post subject: Rising Sun<九歌> Reply with quote

The fog is disappearing slowly
to nowhere
when you rise up

Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow
with arrows of sunlight
I have no choice
but to put on my sunglasses

九歌

不再迷茫的是雾
朦胧散尽
你跃身而起

神秘的沙漠之狐
当你火红的身躯涨满
金色的弓箭
我只好用墨镜
遮盖眼睛
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和平岛
举人


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2006-10-14 19:56:18    Post subject: Re: Rising Sun Reply with quote

月光 wrote:
The fog is no longer darkling
and it drops away dimly
you are spring up

Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches the golden bow and arrows
I have no choice but to put sunglasses on my eyes


darkling?

are springing up

stretches like a golden bow and arrow

just some thought on grammar

keep on, good job!
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2006-10-15 07:39:42    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you for your suggestion, and i changed a little, what do you think about it?

The fog is no longer cloudy
and it drops away dimly
you rise up

Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow and arrows
I have no choice
but to put sunglasses on my eyes
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和平岛
举人


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2006-10-15 09:09:45    Post subject: Reply with quote

The fog is disappearing slowly
to nowhere
when you rise up

Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow and arrows
I have no choice
but to put on sunglasses
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非马
秀才


Joined: 22 Jun 2006
Posts: 907
Location: 芝加哥
非马Collection
PostPosted: 2006-10-16 07:48:40    Post subject: Reply with quote

but to put on my sunglasses?
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http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm
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和平岛
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Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2006-10-16 08:46:05    Post subject: Reply with quote

非马 wrote:
but to put on my sunglasses?


good
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2006-10-16 14:51:35    Post subject: Reply with quote

PEACE, 谢谢你的修改. 看来当一种语言没有很好的掌握之前不可以随意倒序的. Embarassed
非马老师, 您这一个MY可谓点睛之笔. PEACE 帮着改了后我在想怎样强调我的眼睛, 看大家都忙, 没好意思问.
谢谢你们。

The fog is disappearing slowly
to nowhere
when you rise up

Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow and arrows
I have no choice
but to put on my sunglasses
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2006-10-16 18:54:43    Post subject: Reply with quote

stretches like a golden bow and arrows
Good. I can see red all stretched out to become golden. Maybe just one arrow here?

Inquire:

This is a comment from another website , what do you think about the question? Can i put "arrows" after "and"?
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非马
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Joined: 22 Jun 2006
Posts: 907
Location: 芝加哥
非马Collection
PostPosted: 2006-10-16 19:06:26    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here I think you should use "arrow" instead of "arrows".
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2006-10-16 19:14:38    Post subject: Reply with quote

非马老师, Thank you very much for your answer. But the sun have lots of arrows, how can I show that?
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和平岛
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Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
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PostPosted: 2006-10-16 19:17:19    Post subject: Reply with quote

stretches like a golden bow
with arrows of sunlight
...

or use
beams...
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
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PostPosted: 2006-10-16 19:25:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy peace, maybe i can try this way. thanks Wink
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
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PostPosted: 2006-10-18 17:02:09    Post subject: Reply with quote

The fog is disappearing slowly
to nowhere
when you rise up

Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow
with arrows of sunlight
I have no choice
but to put on my sunglasses

非马老师, PEACE, 按你们的意见改了后贴回哪个网站, 大家觉的好多了. 谢谢你们的指导.
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非马
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Joined: 22 Jun 2006
Posts: 907
Location: 芝加哥
非马Collection
PostPosted: 2006-10-18 18:33:42    Post subject: Reply with quote

读起来是感觉好多了。这当然是PEACE的功劳。首节的

The fog is disappearing slowly
to nowhere
when you rise up

读起来似乎仍不怎么顺畅。How about:

The fog is disappearing slowly
when you arise

至少改末句。
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和平岛
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Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2006-10-18 18:38:52    Post subject: Reply with quote

nice suggestion

the simpler a sentence the better!
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2006-10-18 19:29:36    Post subject: Reply with quote

THAKNS, I LEARNED MORE FROM YOURS

MAYBE THIS ONE IS OK

The fog is disappearing slowly
when you arise

Oh, my desert fox
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow
with arrows of sunlight
I have no choice
but to put on my sunglasses
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