Rising Sun<九歌>

[白水]

The fog is disappearing slowly
to nowhere
when you rise up

Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow
with arrows of sunlight
I have no choice
but to put on my sunglasses

九歌

不再迷茫的是雾
朦胧散尽
你跃身而起

神秘的沙漠之狐
当你火红的身躯涨满
金色的弓箭
我只好用墨镜
遮盖眼睛

[和平岛]

[白水]

thank you for your suggestion, and i changed a little, what do you think about it?

The fog is no longer cloudy
and it drops away dimly
you rise up

Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow and arrows
I have no choice
but to put sunglasses on my eyes

[和平岛]

The fog is disappearing slowly
to nowhere
when you rise up

Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow and arrows
I have no choice
but to put on sunglasses
_________________
写诗是为了写更好的诗

[非马]

but to put on my sunglasses?
_________________
欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm

[和平岛]

[白水]

PEACE, 谢谢你的修改. 看来当一种语言没有很好的掌握之前不可以随意倒序的.
非马老师, 您这一个MY可谓点睛之笔. PEACE 帮着改了后我在想怎样强调我的眼睛， 看大家都忙, 没好意思问.
谢谢你们。

The fog is disappearing slowly
to nowhere
when you rise up

Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow and arrows
I have no choice
but to put on my sunglasses

[白水]

stretches like a golden bow and arrows
Good. I can see red all stretched out to become golden. Maybe just one arrow here?

Inquire:

This is a comment from another website , what do you think about the question? Can i put "arrows" after "and"?

[非马]

Here I think you should use "arrow" instead of "arrows".
_________________
欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm

[白水]

非马老师, Thank you very much for your answer. But the sun have lots of arrows, how can I show that?

[和平岛]

stretches like a golden bow
with arrows of sunlight
...

or use
beams...
_________________
写诗是为了写更好的诗

[白水]

peace, maybe i can try this way. thanks

[白水]

The fog is disappearing slowly
to nowhere
when you rise up

Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow
with arrows of sunlight
I have no choice
but to put on my sunglasses

非马老师, PEACE, 按你们的意见改了后贴回哪个网站, 大家觉的好多了. 谢谢你们的指导.

[非马]

读起来是感觉好多了。这当然是PEACE的功劳。首节的

The fog is disappearing slowly
to nowhere
when you rise up

读起来似乎仍不怎么顺畅。How about:

The fog is disappearing slowly
when you arise

至少改末句。
_________________
欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm

[和平岛]

nice suggestion

the simpler a sentence the better!
_________________
写诗是为了写更好的诗

[白水]

THAKNS, I LEARNED MORE FROM YOURS

MAYBE THIS ONE IS OK

The fog is disappearing slowly
when you arise

Oh, my desert fox
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow
with arrows of sunlight
I have no choice
but to put on my sunglasses