白水 大学士

註册時間: 2006-10-02 帖子: 14102 來自: TORONTO 白水北美楓文集 |
發錶於: 2006-10-14 17:36:14 發錶主題: Rising Sun<九歌> |
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The fog is disappearing slowly
to nowhere
when you rise up
Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow
with arrows of sunlight
I have no choice
but to put on my sunglasses
九歌
不再迷茫的是雾
朦胧散尽
你跃身而起
神秘的沙漠之狐
当你火红的身躯涨满
金色的弓箭
我只好用墨镜
遮盖眼睛 |
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和平岛 举人

註册時間: 2006-05-25 帖子: 1277 來自: Victoria, Canada 和平岛北美楓文集 |
發錶於: 2006-10-14 19:56:18 發錶主題: Re: Rising Sun |
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月光 寫到: |
The fog is no longer darkling
and it drops away dimly
you are spring up
Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches the golden bow and arrows
I have no choice but to put sunglasses on my eyes |
darkling?
are springing up
stretches like a golden bow and arrow
just some thought on grammar
keep on, good job! _________________ 写诗是为了写更好的诗 |
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白水 大学士

註册時間: 2006-10-02 帖子: 14102 來自: TORONTO 白水北美楓文集 |
發錶於: 2006-10-15 07:39:42 發錶主題: |
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thank you for your suggestion, and i changed a little, what do you think about it?
The fog is no longer cloudy
and it drops away dimly
you rise up
Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow and arrows
I have no choice
but to put sunglasses on my eyes |
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返頁首 |
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和平岛 举人

註册時間: 2006-05-25 帖子: 1277 來自: Victoria, Canada 和平岛北美楓文集 |
發錶於: 2006-10-15 09:09:45 發錶主題: |
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The fog is disappearing slowly
to nowhere
when you rise up
Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow and arrows
I have no choice
but to put on sunglasses _________________ 写诗是为了写更好的诗 |
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非马 秀才
註册時間: 2006-06-22 帖子: 907 來自: 芝加哥 非马北美楓文集 |
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和平岛 举人

註册時間: 2006-05-25 帖子: 1277 來自: Victoria, Canada 和平岛北美楓文集 |
發錶於: 2006-10-16 08:46:05 發錶主題: |
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非马 寫到: |
but to put on my sunglasses? |
good _________________ 写诗是为了写更好的诗 |
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白水 大学士

註册時間: 2006-10-02 帖子: 14102 來自: TORONTO 白水北美楓文集 |
發錶於: 2006-10-16 14:51:35 發錶主題: |
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PEACE, 谢谢你的修改. 看来当一种语言没有很好的掌握之前不可以随意倒序的.
非马老师, 您这一个MY可谓点睛之笔. PEACE 帮着改了后我在想怎样强调我的眼睛, 看大家都忙, 没好意思问.
谢谢你们。
The fog is disappearing slowly
to nowhere
when you rise up
Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow and arrows
I have no choice
but to put on my sunglasses |
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返頁首 |
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白水 大学士

註册時間: 2006-10-02 帖子: 14102 來自: TORONTO 白水北美楓文集 |
發錶於: 2006-10-16 18:54:43 發錶主題: |
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stretches like a golden bow and arrows
Good. I can see red all stretched out to become golden. Maybe just one arrow here?
Inquire:
This is a comment from another website , what do you think about the question? Can i put "arrows" after "and"? |
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非马 秀才
註册時間: 2006-06-22 帖子: 907 來自: 芝加哥 非马北美楓文集 |
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白水 大学士

註册時間: 2006-10-02 帖子: 14102 來自: TORONTO 白水北美楓文集 |
發錶於: 2006-10-16 19:14:38 發錶主題: |
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非马老师, Thank you very much for your answer. But the sun have lots of arrows, how can I show that? |
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和平岛 举人

註册時間: 2006-05-25 帖子: 1277 來自: Victoria, Canada 和平岛北美楓文集 |
發錶於: 2006-10-16 19:17:19 發錶主題: |
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stretches like a golden bow
with arrows of sunlight
...
or use
beams... _________________ 写诗是为了写更好的诗 |
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白水 大学士

註册時間: 2006-10-02 帖子: 14102 來自: TORONTO 白水北美楓文集 |
發錶於: 2006-10-16 19:25:28 發錶主題: |
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peace, maybe i can try this way. thanks  |
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白水 大学士

註册時間: 2006-10-02 帖子: 14102 來自: TORONTO 白水北美楓文集 |
發錶於: 2006-10-18 17:02:09 發錶主題: |
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The fog is disappearing slowly
to nowhere
when you rise up
Oh, my unearthly fox of the desert
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow
with arrows of sunlight
I have no choice
but to put on my sunglasses
非马老师, PEACE, 按你们的意见改了后贴回哪个网站, 大家觉的好多了. 谢谢你们的指导. |
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非马 秀才
註册時間: 2006-06-22 帖子: 907 來自: 芝加哥 非马北美楓文集 |
發錶於: 2006-10-18 18:33:42 發錶主題: |
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读起来是感觉好多了。这当然是PEACE的功劳。首节的
The fog is disappearing slowly
to nowhere
when you rise up
读起来似乎仍不怎么顺畅。How about:
The fog is disappearing slowly
when you arise
至少改末句。 _________________ 欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm |
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和平岛 举人

註册時間: 2006-05-25 帖子: 1277 來自: Victoria, Canada 和平岛北美楓文集 |
發錶於: 2006-10-18 18:38:52 發錶主題: |
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nice suggestion
the simpler a sentence the better! _________________ 写诗是为了写更好的诗 |
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白水 大学士

註册時間: 2006-10-02 帖子: 14102 來自: TORONTO 白水北美楓文集 |
發錶於: 2006-10-18 19:29:36 發錶主題: |
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THAKNS, I LEARNED MORE FROM YOURS
MAYBE THIS ONE IS OK
The fog is disappearing slowly
when you arise
Oh, my desert fox
when your red body
stretches like a golden bow
with arrows of sunlight
I have no choice
but to put on my sunglasses |
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返頁首 |
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