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絮絮叮嚀 Whispering Rings1[2]  Next
kokho
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PostPosted: 2007-01-08 21:51:20    Post subject: 絮絮叮嚀 Whispering Rings Reply with quote



絮絮叮嚀

致J By Kokho

　一缕清风
　　　愿航我思绪
　　　临孤島
　可望　
　　 尤未可即
　是妳　是耳语
　　　　撫我
　　　　　轻如叶　静如影
　从那
　孤島　我呼我吟
　　 传来无声的寧
　每当我转向
　　我最珍贵
　　 的荫

.

Whispering Rings
for J by Ko Kho

Wish a breeze
　　　may sail my thoughts
　　　to one island
　　　always so near
　　　yet
　　　　　　beyond my reach
Is that your whisper
　　　cajole me…
　　　like light like leaf
　　　reaching from
　　　the island… I page I call
　　　　　　but never rings!
Whenever I turn away
　　　to the shade
　　　　　　I dear most

.
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和平岛
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 00:40:26    Post subject: Reply with quote
空灵，好诗歌

翻译得也很棒


Is that your whisper
　　　cajole me…

not too sure about cajole: might be
(which) cajoles
or
(which may) cajole me...
?
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kokho
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 09:14:21    Post subject: Reply with quote
和平岛 wrote:
空灵，好诗歌

翻译得也很棒


Is that your whisper
　　　cajole me…

not too sure about cajole: might be
(which) cajoles
or
(which may) cajole me...
?


《１》 There lies the uncertainties of poetry ...　 Cool Very Happy

《２》这首我先写英文版，１１个月后才写中文版；

《３》这是少数　中英文都能在同处，押同韵的双语诗！！！

。
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和平岛
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 09:31:43    Post subject: Reply with quote
congratulations
Very Happy
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白水
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 09:46:15    Post subject: Re: 絮絮叮嚀 Whispering Rings Reply with quote
kokho wrote:
絮絮叮嚀

致J By Kokho

　一缕清风
　　　愿航我思绪
　　　临孤島
　可望　
　　 尤未可即
　是妳　是耳语
　　　　撫我
　　　　　轻如叶　静如影
　从那
　孤島　我呼我吟
　　 传来无声的寧
　每当我转向
　　我最珍贵
　　 的荫

.

Whispering Rings
for J by Ko Kho

Wish a breeze
　　　may sail my thoughts
　　　to one island
　　　always so near
　　　yet
　　　　　　beyond my reach
Is that your whisper
　　　cajole me…
　　　like light like leaf
　　　reaching from
　　　the island… I page I call
　　　　　　but never rings!
Whenever I turn away
　　　to the shade
　　　　　　I dear most

.


很有感觉的一首. Very Happy
即 似应 及 Confused
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和平岛
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 10:16:28    Post subject: Reply with quote
fair lady
Very Happy
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kokho
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 10:19:36    Post subject: Reply with quote
谢谢　和平岛。。

请你　把我拍的照片　放在一楼好吗？

我在１９７４　到１９８１是专业摄影师。。　到１９７９年
是新加坡收费最高的３位之一　 Cool Laughing

。
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kokho
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 10:21:25    Post subject: Re: 絮絮叮嚀 Whispering Rings Reply with quote
白水 wrote:


很有感觉的一首. Very Happy
即 似应 及 Confused　


即 似应 及 Confused　

什么意思呢　白水　打错了吧？

。。
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白水
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 10:50:33    Post subject: Re: 絮絮叮嚀 Whispering Rings Reply with quote
kokho wrote:
白水 wrote:


很有感觉的一首. Very Happy
即 似应 及 Confused　


即 似应 及 Confused　

什么意思呢　白水　打错了吧？

。。


YEAH, YOU ARE RIGHT. 及=即 IN HERE Wink
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kokho
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 12:06:30    Post subject: Reply with quote
还是　不懂你再讲什么　；）

。。
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Lake
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 14:05:19    Post subject: Reply with quote
kokho wrote:
还是　不懂你再讲什么　；）

。。


A quick response,

我想白水的意思是：在这句中 “尤未可即“，“即“ 应为 "及".

Sorry, got to run. Will be back...
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hepingdao
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 15:42:58    Post subject: Reply with quote
Lake wrote:
kokho wrote:
还是　不懂你再讲什么　；）

。。


A quick response,

我想白水的意思是：在这句中 “尤未可即“，“即“ 应为 "及".

Sorry, got to run. Will be back...


Lake is smarter than island
Very Happy
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白水
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 19:22:21    Post subject: Reply with quote
hepingdao wrote:
Lake wrote:
kokho wrote:
还是　不懂你再讲什么　；）

。。


A quick response,

我想白水的意思是：在这句中 “尤未可即“，“即“ 应为 "及".

Sorry, got to run. Will be back...


Lake is smarter than island
Very Happy


sorry, guys. i made a mistake Embarassed
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Lake
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 21:18:17    Post subject: Reply with quote
hepingdao wrote:
Lake wrote:
kokho wrote:
还是　不懂你再讲什么　；）

。。


A quick response,

我想白水的意思是：在这句中 “尤未可即“，“即“ 应为 "及".

Sorry, got to run. Will be back...


Lake is smarter than island
Very Happy


It should be the other way around, hepingdao is smartER than shallow lake. Razz
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Lake
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 21:33:02    Post subject: Reply with quote
白水 wrote:

sorry, guys. i made a mistake Embarassed


What are you sorry for? I have to admit I also stumbled there. Then, I looked it up in the dictionary and thought both would do.

Cheers,
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Lake
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 21:58:28    Post subject: Re: 絮絮叮嚀 Whispering Rings Reply with quote
kokho wrote:

絮絮叮嚀

致J By Kokho

　一缕清风
　　　愿航我思绪
　　　临孤島
　可望　
　　 尤未可即
　是妳　是耳语
　　　　撫我
　　　　　轻如叶　静如影
　从那
　孤島　我呼我吟
　　 传来无声的寧
　每当我转向
　　我最珍贵
　　 的荫

.

Whispering Rings
for J by Ko Kho

Wish a breeze
　　　may sail my thoughts
　　　to one island
　　　always so near
　　　yet
　　　　　　beyond my reach
Is that your whisper
　　　cajole me…
　　　like light like leaf
　　　reaching from
　　　the island… I page I call
　　　　　　but never rings!
Whenever I turn away
　　　to the shade
　　　　　　I dear most

.


* 欣赏Kokho的双语创作，因为他不是机械地逐字翻译，而是遵循译入语的习惯，将诗意用两种不同的语言重新表达。

* 诗题：絮絮叮嚀 Whispering Rings

觉得 rings 用得好，也译得好。常用的定义是“铃声”，“环状物”等。由此还可联想到 ‘water rings'，水面的涟漪；‘sound rings', 声波.....由此仿佛感到余音袅袅不绝于耳，不就似絮絮叮嚀一样吗？

* 用韵。作者不仅注重尾韵，如作者所说：“这是少数　中英文都能在同处，押同韵的双语诗”（我看到的，“无声的寧”， "but never rings"。这种情况是可遇不可求的。），而且更讲究诗歌内部的韵律。如：like light like leaf 。

* 诗意的不确定性 uncertainty. " Is that your whisper
　　　cajole me… "
这句，我也徘徊了一阵，有和平岛理解的意思，我想也可以作为一个祈使句吧？这样就无需在cajole 前加个主语。

*词性的活用。" I dear most", 通常，dear 是用作行容词、副词或名词的。在这里好似当动词来用了。是吗？

* 语言的独特性。"传来无声的寧", "我最珍贵的荫", 很少在别处看到这样的表达。不知其他读者读起来感觉如何?


我是边学边问边说，只在语言方面蜻蜓点水了一下,不对的地方请包涵指正。
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kokho
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 22:46:01    Post subject: Reply with quote
谢谢 大家的讨论 Smile Smile

Lake 的到来 给我知音来指点的感觉。。。

我的想法是，诗歌应该是边沿文字 在开发表达、理性、感情、触知
的外围世界！

所以，在古代诗人是哲学家的朋友。

但是，在目前的大陆；很多诗人习惯也享受贽喾 就成群结党的的来
排外和搞小山头。

这个网站，应该是（New found freedom）新获自由的
感受尖端和试验区！

.
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和平岛
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 22:58:46    Post subject: Reply with quote
Lake的理解很独到呀

翻译是最吃力不讨好的事了
翻译自己的诗歌, 稍微好一些, 至少自己是明白自己要表达什么样的意境的

每一种语言, 都有其独特的语言习惯和语感,
而诗歌的翻译就更难了, 这不光光是指语法和造句的问题, 更多的, 是该语言意境的把握

kokho在这方面, 是有丰富的经验, 造诣和独到见解的, 并付诸应用, 学习了


Very Happy
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kokho
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PostPosted: 2007-01-09 23:32:55    Post subject: Reply with quote
再谢 hpd 和 Lake 给你们上茶



Lake 我给你做了　个欢迎贴

http://oson.ca/viewtopic.php?p=6747#6747
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Lake
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PostPosted: 2007-01-10 09:40:54    Post subject: Reply with quote
kokho wrote:
谢谢 大家的讨论 Smile Smile

指点的感觉。。。

我的想法是，诗歌应该是边沿文字 在开发表达、理性、感情、触知
的外围世界！

所以，在古代诗人是哲学家的朋友。

这个网站，应该是（New found freedom）新获自由的
感受尖端和试验区！

.


“指点”？ 那我可要禁声了。
倒觉得上面这些话是指点呢。 Very Happy
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