[原创双语诗] 梅意沧桑(一)

[William Zhou周道模]

The Transformation of the Plum Tree（一）

Awakes too early , the plum tree

Steps out of the poetic hills and streams

Steps into the chill of heavens and ground

The plum tree , sulks to lose its balance

Disgorges the emotion of its life

Likes to be medicine for rescuing Spring

The plum tree's divinity is absent—minded

It is holding up the frostbitten maniacal words alone

To make time the fragrant path by walking

梅 意 沧 桑 （一）

梅 醒得太早

走出诗意的山水

走进天地的寒禁

梅 闷得心慌

吐出生命的激情

甘做救春的药引

梅 神志恍惚

走香时间的小道

独举冻伤的疯语……
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模

[Lake]

看英文不大好懂啊。

Would you consider:

start the poem as: Awake too early, ...

Plums: make people think the fruit. How about plum blossoms/trees?

"crazy" and "spit" sound negative to me. Any other word choices?

Fragrance the path of time by walking - doesn't make sense to me.

Lifting... words - words don't go with "lift".


Usually best not to follow me.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[William Zhou周道模]

谢谢 Lake 君的指点，多数按你的意见改了。请大家再提意见。
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模

[William Zhou周道模]

又改一次，欢迎批评。
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模

[William Zhou周道模]

又改一次，欢迎批评。
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模

[wq0066]

诗中韵涵深意,拜读了...
_________________
天边云一朵 苍海粟一粒 云儿朵朵随风飘 粟儿粒粒满山崖

[kino]

窃以为此诗不可译。梅这个意象附加了很多文化特性。

另外，给个建议，以后像这样的一首诗分几节，或者组诗，最好放一个帖子里，这样我就不至于看了前面忘了后面，尤其被回复打乱顺序后，就更麻烦。

[William Zhou周道模]

kino先生的意见好！

当时无翻译经验又自恋这首拙诗，现在看来“又费心血效果又不好”。

这是学译诗歌的必然代价啊！
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模

[William Zhou周道模]

再难也要硬着头皮上，对英文作了一次修改，好像找到点英汉差异的感觉。请专家再批。
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模