"Becoming" by Chris Henderson

[shi di fu]

Hello everyone.

This poem is for the fall issue of BMF, so there's no hurry, but I wondered if you could comment on my translation when you have time, please.

BECOMING

Thrown headfirst
from the astral plane
the newborn dead

mistake the rushing wind
for a hand to keep them
safe, suspended.

At least this is how
I’ll speak of it, unwilling
to say goodbye:

Clouds like doors closing
and unclosing—it seems
absurd to wonder why.

Meanwhile the living softly
procreate in the mollusc-dark,
creatures curled

in sorrow, devoted
to the world concealed
inside the world.

变成

让仍头头的
从星的水平
刚生死子

把刮风听成
一个手为了
保护他们， 悬挂的。

我在选了这么的话，
舍不下。

云象一些扇门
开来关去 — 胡说就是
考论为什么。

同时活着软软的
生出在蜗牛的黑暗，
蜷作一团

在悲哀下， 致力无朵事
世界内别一球。



Thanks,

Steve

[kokho]

谢谢　分享　。。。



。
_________________
乒乓、摄影、诗歌

[品玉]

迷宫啊!!!!

_________________
孤独的执烛者，在黑暗的水面上留下火苗的伤口～～～～～

[hepingdao]

When I have time, I will help you smooth it.

Thanks Steve for your efforts helping our magazine!

Best,
hepingdao
_________________
为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

[吉弛]

BECOMING

Thrown headfirst
from the astral plane
the newborn dead

mistake the rushing wind
for a hand to keep them
safe, suspended.

At least this is how
I’ll speak of it, unwilling
to say goodbye:

Clouds like doors closing
and unclosing—it seems
absurd to wonder why.

Meanwhile the living softly
procreate in the mollusc-dark,
creatures curled

in sorrow, devoted
to the world concealed
inside the world.

变成

让仍头头的
从星的水平
刚生死子

把刮风听成
一个手为了
保护他们，悬挂的。

我在选了这么的话，
舍不下。

云象一些扇门
开来关去 — 胡说就是
考论为什么。

同时活着软软的
生出在蜗牛的黑暗，
蜷作一团

在悲哀下， 致力无朵事
世界内别一球。

成形

头朝下
从星际飞机中抛出
这新鬼

错把疾风
当护佑其安全
之手，空悬。

至少这是我
会怎样说这回事，不愿
说再见。

云象门合上
又打开— 似乎
考虑原由太荒唐

同时活人软软地
生殖于黑暗软体物中
人体蜷曲着

在悲哀中， 投入
隐藏在此世界中的
世界里

两点: "变成"是transitive verb, that needs an object.
Is "the astral plane" a surface of that dimension or an aircraft?

[kino]

这新鬼 the newborn dead
这新生即夭的婴儿

这两个词不好处理，想了好久也没有主意，再想想

[William Zhou周道模]

吉弛译得通顺些、好懂些。
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模