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Maple Review Home -> 西方文学　Western Literature

【汉英俳句】蟋蟀

William Zhou周道模
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Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2010-10-09 15:17:58 Post subject: 【汉英俳句】蟋蟀

蟋蟀周道模著译草丛啼月光跳上路面恋爱忙狗嘴里命丧 Mourning the Crickets cried for moonlight in grass they jumped onto street to make love but died in the dog's mouth 2010-10-7上午11:00湔江边 _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

Lake
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Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286

LakeCollection

Posted: 2010-10-09 17:02:08 Post subject:

中文俳句逐句译成英文免不了一，臃长；二，失了俳味。 _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

戴玨
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
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戴玨Collection

Posted: 2010-10-15 03:34:26 Post subject:

原來狗吃蟋蟀的啊？ _________________ I labour by singing light 我的blog 我的專欄

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2010-10-20 20:39:19 Post subject:

Lake wrote:

中文俳句逐句译成英文免不了一，臃长；二，失了俳味。

yes, you are right, thanks!
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2010-10-20 20:43:35 Post subject:

戴玨 wrote:

原來狗吃蟋蟀的啊？

我也是第一次看见，原来也不知。世上很多稀奇事我们并不都知晓。谢读！
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模

Lake
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Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286

LakeCollection

Posted: 2010-10-21 07:45:56 Post subject:

I didn’t mean to be negative, William, but find your C-ku is better than your E-ku. I tried one based on yours, which might not convey exactly what you intended, or even worse than yours, but hope you get what I meant. chirps in moonlit grass jumping to the road they mate - dog's mouth slobbering At least, it is within 17 syllables. Just one more way to look at it. Not the best, but hope it helps a bit. _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2010-10-25 16:26:21 Post subject:

thank you for your good idea! your translation is so short,good one. I've also shortened mine. _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

Lake
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LakeCollection

Posted: 2010-10-26 05:44:03 Post subject:

William Zhou周道模 wrote:

悲蟋蟀

周道模著译

草丛啼月光

跳上路面恋爱忙

狗嘴把命丧

Mourning the Crickets

crying for moonlit in grass

onto street to love in a hurry

but they died in the dog's mouth
...

Hope I didn't confuse you.

"moonlit" should be "moonlight" in your line if you want a noun there.

Line 2 doesn't make much sense.

Best,
Lake
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

William Zhou周道模
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Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2010-10-26 18:28:34 Post subject:

OK! go on rewriting it. _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

非马
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Joined: 22 Jun 2006
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Posted: 2010-10-27 14:28:34 Post subject:

如果不是因为要“削诗就俳”，第一及第三句都该加个"里"字才是. 现在读起来好象是“草丛”在啼月光，“狗嘴"完蛋了. 一笑. _________________ 欢迎访问<非马艺术世界> http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm

William Zhou周道模
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Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2010-10-30 05:30:07 Post subject:

非马 wrote:

如果不是因为要“削诗就俳”，第一及第三句都该加个"里"字才是. 现在读起来好象是“草丛”在啼月光，“狗嘴"完蛋了. 一笑.

谢谢老师的指点！格律诗真是碍手碍脚的啊。把标题的“悲”去掉，用标题作主语，是否好点了？
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模

非马
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Joined: 22 Jun 2006
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Location: 芝加哥
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Posted: 2010-10-30 06:19:07 Post subject:

William Zhou周道模 wrote:

非马 wrote:

如果不是因为要“削诗就俳”，第一及第三句都该加个"里"字才是. 现在读起来好象是“草丛”在啼月光，“狗嘴"完蛋了. 一笑.

谢谢老师的指点！格律诗真是碍手碍脚的啊。把标题的“悲”去掉，用标题作主语，是否好点了？

是好些. 这就是为什么我不写格律诗的原因.
_________________
欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2010-10-30 16:02:25 Post subject:

好，挂一首微型诗，请老师指点。 _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

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