Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
 发表于: 2009-10-29 07:48:59 发表主题: April Snow |
 |
|
April Snow
Gathering her last strength
she plunges to the earth
with an infinite tenderness.
One flake, then two, then three
dotting over pines, cypresses,
aquiver with such gentle touches.
Patch by patch, crystal hexagons
unscroll a silverscape.
Is it snow that decorates April,
or April that beautifies snow?
A food-searching squirrel
yields no answer.
A sudden bird's call shakes
the last snowdrops from a treetop.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
|
| 返页首 |
|
 |
|
|
justjust123
童生
注册时间: 2009-11-01
帖子: 22
justjust123北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2009-11-01 00:33:35 发表主题: |
|
|
beautiful. i like it!
| 引用: |
Patch by patch, crystal hexagons
unscroll a silverscape.
|
a great scene that heralds spring.
| 引用: |
Is it snow that decorates April,
or April that beautifies snow?
|
this is also very good.
| 引用: |
the last snowdrops from a treetop
|
the word snowdrops might have been imprecisely used though the meaning is clear. |
|
| 返页首 |
|
|
|
|
Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2009-11-01 22:16:52 发表主题: |
|
|
| justjust123 写到: |
| 引用: |
the last snowdrops from a treetop
|
the word snowdrops might have been imprecisely used though the meaning is clear. |
spot on, just. I know 'snowdrops' is the name of a flower. since I don't want to repeat 'flakes' and could not find any other alternatives, so used 'snowdrops' to mean the accumulated lump of snow. Or should I just say 'snow drops', two words instead of one?
Thanks.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
|
| 返页首 |
|
|
|
|
非马
秀才
注册时间: 2006-06-22
帖子: 907
来自: 芝加哥
非马北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2009-11-02 14:13:59 发表主题: |
|
|
Hi, Lake. A good poem. However, I don't feel the words "gathering...strength? and "plunges" go well with "infinite tenderness". What do you think?
_________________
欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm |
|
| 返页首 |
|
|
|
|
Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2009-11-02 19:14:54 发表主题: |
|
|
Thanks Mr. Fei Ma for your opinion.
The easy fix might be simply delete S2, thus:
April Snow
Gathering her last strength
she plunges to the earth
dotting over pines, cypresses,
aquiver with such gentle touches.
Patch by patch, crystal hexagons
unscroll a silverscape.
Is it snow that decorates April,
or April that beautifies snow?
A food-searching squirrel
yields no answer.
A sudden bird's call shakes
the last snow drops from a treetop.
How does this sound?
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
|
| 返页首 |
|
|
|
|
非马
秀才
注册时间: 2006-06-22
帖子: 907
来自: 芝加哥
非马北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2009-11-02 19:34:23 发表主题: |
|
|
Sounds better. Is it possible to reword the last two stanzas so that they won't both start with the word "A"? Something like "No answer is given/by a food-searching squirrel. //A sudden birdcall shakes down/the last snow from a treetop."
_________________
欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm |
|
| 返页首 |
|
|
|
|
justjust123
童生
注册时间: 2009-11-01
帖子: 22
justjust123北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2009-11-03 01:21:36 发表主题: |
|
|
| Lake 写到: |
spot on, just. I know 'snowdrops' is the name of a flower. since I don't want to repeat 'flakes' and could not find any other alternatives, so used 'snowdrops' to mean the accumulated lump of snow. Or should I just say 'snow drops', two words instead of one?
|
This is a tough question. I could not give an answer at the moment or maybe even later. But 'hard snow' and 'solid snow' came to mind, or maybe 'lumpy snow'. I think 'drops' is something that tends to fall rapidly (or vertically, heavily), like raindrops whereas snow flakes fall slowly. |
|
| 返页首 |
|
|
|
|
Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2009-11-03 13:14:01 发表主题: |
|
|
| 非马 写到: |
| Sounds better. Is it possible to reword the last two stanzas so that they won't both start with the word "A"? Something like "No answer is given/by a food-searching squirrel. //A sudden birdcall shakes down/the last snow from a treetop." |
Absolutely, it's open to rewording. Now it is spotted both lines start with 'A'. Thank you for your suggestion, Mr. Fei Ma. You have a sharp eye. But I'm not totally happy with a passive voice in "No answer is given...". Maybe it needs a different ending?
Let me think it over.
Thanks.
Lake
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
|
| 返页首 |
|
|
|
|
Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2009-11-03 13:20:18 发表主题: |
|
|
| justjust123 写到: |
This is a tough question. I could not give an answer at the moment or maybe even later. But 'hard snow' and 'solid snow' came to mind, or maybe 'lumpy snow'. I think 'drops' is something that tends to fall rapidly (or vertically, heavily), like raindrops whereas snow flakes fall slowly. |
It is a sudden, unexpected, slightly weighted, fall... 
Thanks just.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
|
| 返页首 |
|
|
|
|
|