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北美楓首頁 -> 西方文学　Western Literature

April Snow

Lake
举人

註册時間: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286

Lake北美楓文集

發錶於: 2009-10-29 07:48:59 發錶主題: April Snow

April Snow Gathering her last strength she plunges to the earth with an infinite tenderness. One flake, then two, then three dotting over pines, cypresses, aquiver with such gentle touches. Patch by patch, crystal hexagons unscroll a silverscape. Is it snow that decorates April, or April that beautifies snow? A food-searching squirrel yields no answer. A sudden bird's call shakes the last snowdrops from a treetop. _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

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justjust123
童生

註册時間: 2009-11-01
帖子: 22

justjust123北美楓文集

發錶於: 2009-11-01 00:33:35 發錶主題:

beautiful. i like it!

引用:

Patch by patch, crystal hexagons
unscroll a silverscape.

a great scene that heralds spring.

引用:

Is it snow that decorates April,
or April that beautifies snow?

this is also very good.

引用:

the last snowdrops from a treetop

the word snowdrops might have been imprecisely used though the meaning is clear.

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Lake
举人

註册時間: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286

Lake北美楓文集

發錶於: 2009-11-01 22:16:52 發錶主題:

justjust123 寫到:

引用:

the last snowdrops from a treetop

the word snowdrops might have been imprecisely used though the meaning is clear.

spot on, just. I know 'snowdrops' is the name of a flower. since I don't want to repeat 'flakes' and could not find any other alternatives, so used 'snowdrops' to mean the accumulated lump of snow. Or should I just say 'snow drops', two words instead of one?

Thanks.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

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非马
秀才

註册時間: 2006-06-22
帖子: 907
來自: 芝加哥
非马北美楓文集

發錶於: 2009-11-02 14:13:59 發錶主題:

Hi, Lake. A good poem. However, I don't feel the words "gathering...strength? and "plunges" go well with "infinite tenderness". What do you think? _________________ 欢迎访问<非马艺术世界> http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm

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Lake
举人

註册時間: 2007-01-09
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Lake北美楓文集

發錶於: 2009-11-02 19:14:54 發錶主題:

Thanks Mr. Fei Ma for your opinion. The easy fix might be simply delete S2, thus: April Snow Gathering her last strength she plunges to the earth dotting over pines, cypresses, aquiver with such gentle touches. Patch by patch, crystal hexagons unscroll a silverscape. Is it snow that decorates April, or April that beautifies snow? A food-searching squirrel yields no answer. A sudden bird's call shakes the last snow drops from a treetop. How does this sound? _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

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非马
秀才

註册時間: 2006-06-22
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來自: 芝加哥
非马北美楓文集

發錶於: 2009-11-02 19:34:23 發錶主題:

Sounds better. Is it possible to reword the last two stanzas so that they won't both start with the word "A"? Something like "No answer is given/by a food-searching squirrel. //A sudden birdcall shakes down/the last snow from a treetop." _________________ 欢迎访问<非马艺术世界> http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm

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justjust123
童生

註册時間: 2009-11-01
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justjust123北美楓文集

發錶於: 2009-11-03 01:21:36 發錶主題:

Lake 寫到:

This is a tough question. I could not give an answer at the moment or maybe even later. But 'hard snow' and 'solid snow' came to mind, or maybe 'lumpy snow'. I think 'drops' is something that tends to fall rapidly (or vertically, heavily), like raindrops whereas snow flakes fall slowly.

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Lake
举人

註册時間: 2007-01-09
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Lake北美楓文集

發錶於: 2009-11-03 13:14:01 發錶主題:

非马寫到:

Sounds better. Is it possible to reword the last two stanzas so that they won't both start with the word "A"? Something like "No answer is given/by a food-searching squirrel. //A sudden birdcall shakes down/the last snow from a treetop."

Absolutely, it's open to rewording. Now it is spotted both lines start with 'A'. Thank you for your suggestion, Mr. Fei Ma. You have a sharp eye. But I'm not totally happy with a passive voice in "No answer is given...". Maybe it needs a different ending?

Let me think it over.

Thanks.

Lake
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

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