Lake
举人
zhùcèshíjiān: 2007-01-09
tièzǐ: 1286
Lakeběiměifēngwénjí |
 fābiǎoyú: 2009-10-29 07:48:59 fābiǎozhùtí: April Snow |
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April Snow
Gathering her last strength
she plunges to the earth
with an infinite tenderness.
One flake, then two, then three
dotting over pines, cypresses,
aquiver with such gentle touches.
Patch by patch, crystal hexagons
unscroll a silverscape.
Is it snow that decorates April,
or April that beautifies snow?
A food-searching squirrel
yields no answer.
A sudden bird's call shakes
the last snowdrops from a treetop.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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justjust123
童生
zhùcèshíjiān: 2009-11-01
tièzǐ: 22
justjust123běiměifēngwénjí |
| fābiǎoyú: 2009-11-01 00:33:35 fābiǎozhùtí: |
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beautiful. i like it!
| yǐnyòng: |
Patch by patch, crystal hexagons
unscroll a silverscape.
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a great scene that heralds spring.
| yǐnyòng: |
Is it snow that decorates April,
or April that beautifies snow?
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this is also very good.
| yǐnyòng: |
the last snowdrops from a treetop
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the word snowdrops might have been imprecisely used though the meaning is clear. |
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Lake
举人
zhùcèshíjiān: 2007-01-09
tièzǐ: 1286
Lakeběiměifēngwénjí |
| fābiǎoyú: 2009-11-01 22:16:52 fābiǎozhùtí: |
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| justjust123 xièdào: |
| yǐnyòng: |
the last snowdrops from a treetop
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the word snowdrops might have been imprecisely used though the meaning is clear. |
spot on, just. I know 'snowdrops' is the name of a flower. since I don't want to repeat 'flakes' and could not find any other alternatives, so used 'snowdrops' to mean the accumulated lump of snow. Or should I just say 'snow drops', two words instead of one?
Thanks.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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非马
秀才
zhùcèshíjiān: 2006-06-22
tièzǐ: 907
láizì: 芝加哥
非马běiměifēngwénjí |
| fābiǎoyú: 2009-11-02 14:13:59 fābiǎozhùtí: |
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Hi, Lake. A good poem. However, I don't feel the words "gathering...strength? and "plunges" go well with "infinite tenderness". What do you think?
_________________
欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm |
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Lake
举人
zhùcèshíjiān: 2007-01-09
tièzǐ: 1286
Lakeběiměifēngwénjí |
| fābiǎoyú: 2009-11-02 19:14:54 fābiǎozhùtí: |
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Thanks Mr. Fei Ma for your opinion.
The easy fix might be simply delete S2, thus:
April Snow
Gathering her last strength
she plunges to the earth
dotting over pines, cypresses,
aquiver with such gentle touches.
Patch by patch, crystal hexagons
unscroll a silverscape.
Is it snow that decorates April,
or April that beautifies snow?
A food-searching squirrel
yields no answer.
A sudden bird's call shakes
the last snow drops from a treetop.
How does this sound?
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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非马
秀才
zhùcèshíjiān: 2006-06-22
tièzǐ: 907
láizì: 芝加哥
非马běiměifēngwénjí |
| fābiǎoyú: 2009-11-02 19:34:23 fābiǎozhùtí: |
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Sounds better. Is it possible to reword the last two stanzas so that they won't both start with the word "A"? Something like "No answer is given/by a food-searching squirrel. //A sudden birdcall shakes down/the last snow from a treetop."
_________________
欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm |
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justjust123
童生
zhùcèshíjiān: 2009-11-01
tièzǐ: 22
justjust123běiměifēngwénjí |
| fābiǎoyú: 2009-11-03 01:21:36 fābiǎozhùtí: |
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| Lake xièdào: |
spot on, just. I know 'snowdrops' is the name of a flower. since I don't want to repeat 'flakes' and could not find any other alternatives, so used 'snowdrops' to mean the accumulated lump of snow. Or should I just say 'snow drops', two words instead of one?
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This is a tough question. I could not give an answer at the moment or maybe even later. But 'hard snow' and 'solid snow' came to mind, or maybe 'lumpy snow'. I think 'drops' is something that tends to fall rapidly (or vertically, heavily), like raindrops whereas snow flakes fall slowly. |
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Lake
举人
zhùcèshíjiān: 2007-01-09
tièzǐ: 1286
Lakeběiměifēngwénjí |
| fābiǎoyú: 2009-11-03 13:14:01 fābiǎozhùtí: |
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| 非马 xièdào: |
| Sounds better. Is it possible to reword the last two stanzas so that they won't both start with the word "A"? Something like "No answer is given/by a food-searching squirrel. //A sudden birdcall shakes down/the last snow from a treetop." |
Absolutely, it's open to rewording. Now it is spotted both lines start with 'A'. Thank you for your suggestion, Mr. Fei Ma. You have a sharp eye. But I'm not totally happy with a passive voice in "No answer is given...". Maybe it needs a different ending?
Let me think it over.
Thanks.
Lake
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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Lake
举人
zhùcèshíjiān: 2007-01-09
tièzǐ: 1286
Lakeběiměifēngwénjí |
| fābiǎoyú: 2009-11-03 13:20:18 fābiǎozhùtí: |
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| justjust123 xièdào: |
This is a tough question. I could not give an answer at the moment or maybe even later. But 'hard snow' and 'solid snow' came to mind, or maybe 'lumpy snow'. I think 'drops' is something that tends to fall rapidly (or vertically, heavily), like raindrops whereas snow flakes fall slowly. |
It is a sudden, unexpected, slightly weighted, fall... 
Thanks just.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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