兔子

短篇小说》兔子 Rabbit 》兔子 Rabbit 金井美惠子 Kanai Mieko

Rabbit

兔子

　　写作这种事，也包括有不写的时候，既然要写，就不可逃避。写作或许就是我的命运。
　　在我在日记中写上这些话的那一天，为了在新家的附近散步，我半义务似地做外出的准备。由于医生劝我说散步对身体健康有益处，所以我虽然本来并不喜欢散步，但还是无可奈何地去散步了。
　　快下雨的天空灰沉沉地笼罩着地上所有的景物。在这样的天气里，虽然几乎不能考虑健康之类的事，但是，在这间连家具都不齐全的令人败兴的房间里，令人觉得与其面对日记和稿纸，倒不如到外边活动活动身子好。
　　我的心情确实不好，就是睁着眼睛的时候，也觉得像是在做梦。由于这是没有任何缘故而突然发生的事，所以我整年都不得不提心吊胆的。这或许可以说是一种没有明显形成的幻觉般的味道。我感到有一种东西在纠缠着我，突然有一种像看不见的鸟一样的气味从我的鼻尖擦过。虽然我知道在这种气味中存在着一种不清楚的影子，而且我确信以前曾经清楚地见过这个影子，然而这影子就像模模糊糊、随风飘散的气味一样，一下子就消失了。我就像好不容易刚能看清的写在沙子上的字被一阵风吹散在广漠、昏暗的沙滩上似的，仅仅剩下茫然、荒芜的焦躁不安。
　　我虽然完全不知道这是什么，但是，这种气味有一种令人作呕的感觉。这并不是由于气味令人作呕，也不是因为要呕吐才闻到这种气味。这是从我的身体内部散发出来的味儿。
　　我是在散步的途中，在那个被杂木林包围着的空无人烟的旧房子的院子里，昏昏沉沉、疲倦地坐在石头上休息的时候，看见眼前跑过来一只大白兔。虽然说是大白兔，但并非普通的大，而是几乎和我一般大小，但这是一只兔子。其证据就是有两只很大的长耳朵。总之，不论从什么地方看上去，她都完全是兔子。我从石头上起来追那只兔子，可是在追的时候，我就像没了气似地，突然掉进洞里。当我定睛看时，刚才那只大兔子就像在盯着我看似地坐在我的旁边。
　　“你是谁？”
　　“我散步来的，迷了路，跑到这里来了。你是兔子吗？不，是兔子小姐吗？”
　　“我特别像兔子吗？”这只兔子一边喉咙呼噜呼噜地响着，一边高兴地说，“我本来是人，但我最近觉得做人和做兔子都可以。”
　　“真的完全像兔子，”我感叹地说。
　　她身上穿着白色的、毛茸茸的兔子皮，正面看上去，就连眼睛也呈现出透明的粉红色。当然，仔细一看，马上可见粉红色的眼睛是安在巧妙地套着的兔子形头罩和假脸上的玻璃镜片，也可发现她全身穿着的白色毛皮就像婴儿穿的连裤外衣。可是，我不明白为什么这位少女这样认真地把自己打扮成兔子模样，这位少女马上看出了我的疑问，说：“你是想知道我为什么这样打扮成兔子吧？我来告诉你，这是我父亲去世之后的事，这也是我头一次告诉除了我自己以外的人。而且你必须告诉谁，不这样，我就不安心。请吧！请到我家。”说着，她便把我带到了她那破烂的家。
　　她说叫小百合，这虽然并不特别令人感到是坏名字，但如果叫鬼百合或姬百合之类，她自己也会满意的。“可现在谁也不知道我的名字，也许谁也不记得了。因此，我认为你最好记住我叫姬百合。”
　　她的家里极而言之，完全可以说是兔子窝。地板上堆满了兔子皮，墙上呈X型钉着被剥下来的兔子皮，散发着一股野兽的腥气味儿。我坐在地上堆着的兔子皮上，闻不惯的味道使我恶心。而这位小姑娘对我这副样子就好像没有反应似的，不断地动着耳朵，一边还用后腿挠着耳朵后边。当然这并不是由于耳朵后边痒痒，而一定是长期养成的习惯，就像兔子总在不停地抖动一样。
　　“我自己也总在想，我变成这副样子，总有其理由的吧！可我还是一直不明白，大概是那天早上开始出现这种情况的。”
　　这么一来，她开始慢慢地回忆起来。
　　我早晨醒来在屋子里转悠，可是谁都不在家。厨房、饭厅、客厅、家里人的卧室、仓库、洗澡间、厕所，我都找遍了。为了慎重起见，我还打开衣柜看了，可是谁也没有。厨房里，煤气炉上煮的牛奶滚沸着，白色的牛奶起着泡，像鸡蛋一样地从鼓起的奶皮中涨出来。洗脸间里，装在杯子里的哥哥刮胡子用的香皂水还在鼓着泡。餐厅里，从冰箱里拿出来的冰镇格子汁倒在表面被小水滴凝成的薄雾笼罩着的杯子里。报纸也像被人看过后起身扔在桌子上一样。尽管是如此情景，可家里确实谁也不在。
　　我关了烤着奶油面包的煤气烤炉，喝了桌子上的橘子汁，一边看报纸(与其说是看报纸，莫如说是只在报上扫一眼，并非读了用大的铅字报道的重大事件新闻。那些新闻可能是外国的战争、外国的首相遭暗杀、外国的革命，总之，都是些与我无关的事)，一边想家里人可能不再回来了。他们即使不回来，我也没有什么为难的。我甚至想都没想他们为什么都不在了。
　　实际上，家里的人后来也都没有回来，即使回来了，我也必定面对家里的人说我不知道你是什么人。对家里的人突然去向不明，我所采取的态度或许已经有点怪，这是因为我对此一点也不感到吃惊。我每天早上喝一杯橘子汁，一边听家里人坐在餐桌上谈论天气、果汁的浓度，一边听父亲评论报上的新闻，一边吃烤面包、培根、喝红茶等早餐。偶尔，父亲也问我学校里的情况，此外一般都不讲话。问话时父亲必定要说：“你现在在学校里学什么？”“什么都有，有物理、化学、数学。”我这么回答说。谈话也就这么结束了。
　　父亲从盘中拿起夹着鸡蛋黄的面包，边吃边说。内容都是只要学习以后就会有用、人无论多大都不能不想学习、学习没有捷径之类。他一个劲儿地嘟囔这些没有意思的话，并用大杯喝着红茶。他自己也没有注意到卷曲的胡子尖上沾着蛋黄和红茶的水珠，还是一边大口大口地吃着第二盘培根和烤面包，一边大声讲着和往常一样的话(父亲总是大声说话，即使自言自语地嘟囔时。别人听起来也像是在大声吵嚷)。我父亲经常这样大声说：
　　“要是吃了饭肚子撑得饱饱的，谁都会懒洋洋地发困，岂止健康的人如此。毫无疑问，这是人的正常的生理本能。既然如此，人为什么还必须工作？吃了早饭之后，头一两个小时我就迷迷糊糊地想睡觉，三顿饭后每次都想睡觉。”
　　谁也什么都没回答，大家都略示轻蔑地听着父亲说的话。家里人认为父亲是贪吃贪睡的红脸的猪，可是我并不这样。我最喜欢在这种吃得饱睡得香甜的快乐之中呼哧呼哧地喘气、大肚子一鼓一鼓的父亲。晚饭的时候，我时常和父亲在一起，吃其他家里人决不想吃的菜，吃得非常饱，都睁不开眼睛了，还在一个劲儿地吃。两个人无所顾忌地打着隔儿。等到饱得不能再吃了的时候，不是用像罗马贵族那样使用手指头抠嗓子那种野蛮的方法，而是喝用特殊草药做的泻肚子药，等泻了肚子以后再开始吃。
　　父亲在饲养食用兔子，一个月两次，每逢初一和十五就杀一只兔子做菜。一到初一和十五，在开始吃早饭之前，父亲就早早起来，从笼子里挑出一只肥胖的兔子杀了。老实而什么都不懂的兔子被父亲用毛茸茸的粗手指攥着耳朵，缩着腿一动不动。这只被蓬松而柔软的白毛裹着的动物，胆怯地紧缩着身子，被父亲的大手轻而易举地掐住了脖子。我从二层楼的卧室多次望到过，气数已尽地伸开腿、颈关节被折断的尸体被放在笼子前面的地上。
　　然后，父亲在院中放杂物的小屋里，用刀子插进兔子的脖子切断血管。把兔子倒吊起来。父亲慢慢地吃早饭，而且比平时吃得还多，一直吃到兔子血流干。早饭过后，他开始剖开兔子的肚皮，掏出内脏，将其扔进沾了血变成褐色的木桶里，然后麻利地动手剥皮。父亲那沾着血的粗手指一开始剥皮，从洁白的毛皮的里边就慢慢地露出被血和脂肪包着的粉红色的肉。等皮剥完，肉体就披挂在小屋的墙钉上。洗去了血的毛皮被展开来，呈Ｘ型钉在小屋的墙上。
　　晚上父亲下班回家，就在放杂物的小屋里开始用兔子肉做菜，将兔子的肝和肾、生香肠酱塞进兔子的膛内，再放上洋葱、蘑菇、西红柿和各种作料一起煮。有时候也炖着吃，但父亲和我都特别喜欢作料味浓的这种兔子膛内塞其他东西煮的菜。家里其他的人在某种程度上也把兔子视为可爱的小动物，但对做毛皮和做食用肉的兔子表示轻蔑，进而对杀这种小动物、将其做成菜来吃感到不可容忍。他们并且憎恨掐住脖子杀死这种没有防备的小生物的行为。他们总是说，把兔子宰了剥皮这种行为非常卑劣、可耻，更何况吃它的肉，真叫人感到恶心、肮脏。母亲无可奈何，只好默认(或许她认为这与因男人在外面胡搞而把家庭弄得乱七八糟比起来还算好)，可是她坚决反对在厨房做这种菜，说：“我说过在厨房和在家中要忍受沾上兔子的腥味了吗？干净的人家决不把动物的血腥味带到家里来。”
　　因此，父亲和我初一和十五的晚餐都是在放杂物的小屋的小桌子上吃。在带有青藤蔷薇花图案的椭圆型大盘子里，盛着米黄色的油光光的带腿兔子。兔子的周围满满地摆饰着煮熟的西红柿、洋葱、蘑菇。小屋子里充满了在热气中夹杂着作料味和兔子血味的一种诱人的味道，宛如中世纪骑士们的晚餐一样丰盛。此外，还有在鸽子(父亲也养过鸽子)腹中塞进肝酱、山葡萄，再用葡萄叶裹起来、洒上樱桃酒的烧烤菜，有抹上酸奶油的内脏冻拼盘，浇上柠檬汁吃的生的鲜贝、蛤蜊、海松贝，几种冷藏的果脯，红白葡萄酒，有涂上生奶油和杏仁的冰激凌。餐后的果品更令我们食欲大增，并畅饮了掺有牙买加产甜酒的可可茶。
　　在做菜和吃饭这么长时间里，我们俩都没有特别谈什么，只是一个劲儿地吃，时而也说说话。父亲想听我讲的，大抵是与别人的关系。“怎么样，你有男朋友了没有？在学校里交了男朋友了吧？”他总是这样大声而又怯意地问我。“你是说在学校也……”我笑着回答说，“爸爸真爱忘事啊，我们学校只有女学生，交男朋友这是不可能的嘛！”“啊，可不是嘛！我这是疏忽了。可是，你真的没有男朋友吗？”“没有啊！我没有兴趣，我最讨厌年轻的男孩子。如果有男孩子靠近我，我就恨不得咬掉他的肉。”“可是，你早晚得有啊！而且要抛下我到别的什么地方去，这是必然的。”
　　两个人反复重复这样的谈话。到了最后喝掺有甜酒的可可茶时，两个人实在是又饱又因。父亲吸着雪茄。我一边慢慢品味着沾在舌头上的可可和甜酒的味道，一边十分满足地想去睡觉。我从放杂物的小屋穿过院子回到二楼卧室的途中，接触到的外边的空气略微凉爽，非常舒服，这更增加了甜蜜的睡意。兔子在笼子里静悄悄地睡着。鸽笼中传来鸽子的低吟声。空气中弥散着花儿的馨香。
　　“休息吧！”父亲站在我的卧室门前，带着睡意说。
　　“那么，就慢慢地死吧！”他总是这么开玩笑。
　　我想起来了，今天正是杀兔子的十五号——准确地说，是我看到了报纸上的日期——我想父亲大概正在放杂物的小屋里像往常一样地杀兔子。不知道家里其他人和哥哥、姐姐都怎么了。他们为了观看以往所厌恶的到处是血的杀兔子的情景，特意跑到放杂物的小屋去，这是不可想象的。我也想不出他们能到别的什么地方去。因此，他们一定是失踪了，不再露面了，我认为这很好。我从很早很早以前就反复地想过，我们肯定是曾经期待过这件事的发生。
　　喝了橘子汁后，我想起还没有人做早饭，我必须要为父亲和自己做早饭，便做了火腿鸡蛋、牛奶红茶和烤面包。并且，为了这个特殊的早晨，我想做顿像红小豆饭这样的饭。我想，大概红小豆饭这样的饭的主要特征应该是颜色，因此需要红色的东西。冰箱里有胡萝卜和草莓，我就把胡萝卜和草莓摆到桌上。我想到父亲马上就会意识到这种胡萝卜和草莓的意思，心里很高兴。
　　父亲带着杀兔子用的满是血污的大围裙从厨房门进来，一边高兴地笑着一边说：“吃早饭吧，今天从早上就开始吃好的，学校要是放假就好了。”“对我这样的家里人突然去向不明的女学生来说，是由于过于担心而没有去上学”。我越加高兴起来，说：“那么，他们真的是不在了？”从父亲进屋开始，厨房里就开始飘散着动物热的血的气味。我一边深深地吸进这种气味一边想，从今以后家里就总是这种气味了。
　　从那以后，我们非常幸福，天天做不重样的饭菜，吃饱了就睡。我可以不受任何人干扰，尽情地听父亲每到吃饭时所讲的话，享受吃了饭就舒舒服服地睡觉的轻松和甜美。我从此再也不到学校去了，父亲也把单位的工作全都托付给了别人，整天就是吃饭、睡觉，所以就越来越胖，时常因心脏病发作而病倒。尽管如此，他坚决不肯叫医生。我只要给医生打电话，他就大发脾气，我只好默不作声地依了他。他越来越发胖，饭厅的椅子也被他坐得吱嘎吱嘎地要散架了。他一干点什么就堵得慌，像火车头启动一样不断地大口喘气。
　　于是，不知从什么时候起，杀兔子、用兔子肉做菜的角色就由我来担任了。我马上就胜任了这一角色，饶有兴趣地做起来。开始我很不习惯，但马上就理解了杀兔子也是一件有趣的事。并且，当我把手伸进热乎乎的兔子膛内掏出内脏时，会有一种幸福感，就像把手伸到肉的蔷薇花里似的产生一种奇特的忘却自我的感觉。当手指尖感触到那颗小小的心脏还在扑噔扑噔地鼓动着的时候，我的心脏也激烈地鼓动着。
　　当然，抱着兔子掐它的脖子时，也有着与用手抓兔子的内脏不同的快乐。为了使掐着脖子时的快乐更强烈，我曾经尝试过各种方法。一抓住耳朵，兔子就变得特别温顾，但用自己的双手去杀死那柔软、雪白、圆滚滚的生物，就令人感到特别残酷。而我清楚地知道，这种残酷将渐渐地转变为充满甜美的陶醉的快乐。手稍一使劲儿，兔子就痛苦得直蹬腿，这正是我所想看到的，也就令我非常兴奋。然后，我知道手指掐着的兔子的脖子完全折断了。与此同时，我的腹部也感到兔子的周身在抽搐。
　　开始时，我是把兔子放在膝盖上掐死的，也曾经试过把兔子横抱在胸前、胳膊和肋部使劲夹着杀兔子的方法。这种方法感觉也很好。但是，稍一疏忽，兔子就从腋下跐溜地逃跑了。因此，这并不是个好方法。结果，令我最满意的方法是把兔子的身子夹在两条大腿之间，掐兔子的脖子。我对这种方法很感兴趣，使用了好一阵子。这样杀的时候，我光着的腿直接接触到兔子的毛，感觉就更舒服。以往杀兔子的时候，我总是穿蓝布牛仔裤，这回我试着改穿裙子，再把裙子卷起来，把兔子夹在两条大腿之间。
　　我从放兔子的血到扒完兔子并不需要多少时间。父亲几乎彻底卧床不起了之后，我在不用兔子做菜的时候，有时也只是为了快乐而杀兔子。寻求带有残忍性的快乐，这是一种贪欲。而且，这种贪欲导致我一个接一个地吸吮做牺牲的兔子的血，并决不会满足。我接着所想到的是，用为了控干而吊起来的兔子所流下来的血休浴。为了使周身都能淋上血，用一只兔子的血不够，需要三只、四只兔子的血。我喜欢用两只手把全身都抹上血，特别喜欢把沾上血的阴毛全都漂亮地抹上血；并喜欢转动着脖子，用舌头滑溜溜地舔肩上、胸部、腿上的血。
　　而且到后来，我把兔子的毛皮缝在一起，缝成一件能把整个身子都装进去的兔皮外套，穿在身上。头部带着有两个长耳朵的兔子头罩和假脸。我平时就这么穿着。头罩做得非常好，耳朵里边用粉红色的缎子，中间系着铁丝和线的编织线。结实的编织线从耳朵经过脖子、胳膊，再到左右手指，和戒指连起来。尾巴也是这样连起来的，编织线从尾巴一直连到手指尖。手上戴着兔皮做的手套。所以，从外边看不见手指上的线和戒指是连在一起的。手指在手套中一动，耳朵就砰地直竖起来，或拆弯在脑袋后边，可以自由动弹。尾巴也可以自由活动。
　　当然，把这个免皮外套完全缝制好，花了相当大的功夫。在尚未鞣过的生皮上，牢牢地粘着红色、茶色、紫色的滑溜溜的胶状的东西，非常硬。可是，我想，鞣了毛皮，就不会有真正的兔子的心情了。我首先用兔子的血沐浴身子，赤裸着淋上血的身子，整个人钻进兔皮外套里边，像兔子蹦跳一样转来转去。那时候，当我如此这般地成为兔子狂时，父亲经常从褥单中露出浮肿得紫青的脸和手，一动不动。他情绪好的时候就起来，也和我一起玩耍。而我每天照料父亲，也就不想再让他看医生了。
　　总之，我和父亲都坚决反对再有别的人到我家来。因为不知道他的病何时再发作，我尽量不离开父亲的身边。那时，家里到处都是兔子，所有的屋里都是兔子粪和喂免子的草，乱七八糟的。所以，我为了自己的快乐，也就没有必要到院子里的放杂物的小屋去了。即使父亲发作时，我也只能喂他点水什么的，然后等着发作结束。并且，父亲和我都清楚，到发作真正结束的时候，他也就死了。
　　父亲终于到了要停止发作的时候。父亲发作的时候非常痛苦，我光看着就痛苦欲绝。我费了不少功夫把免皮外套做好后，想把它穿上给父亲看看。我是想让父亲高兴高兴，我想父亲一定会高兴的。我拿着写有“请把我做成炖肉吃吧”的标语牌，像复活节的兔子一样，脖子上系着很大的粉红色的带子。那一天是父亲的生日，我想把自己作为生日礼物送给父亲，所以非常高兴。我穿上兔皮外套一进屋(我认真练习了免子蹦的样子和动作)，父亲就吃惊地喊了起来。按我的想法，他惊奇之后会转为发出笑声，我们使用我这只兔子，来为我们掐死的兔子举行仪式。当然，我本应不抵抗，老老实实。但父亲一把手放在我的脖子上，摹仿掐的动作，我就乱动起来，最后全身剧烈抽搐，一会儿就直挺挺地倒下，装作精疲力竭地死了。然后，将是剥皮的仪式。当我把毛皮外套脱下来时，就像剥了皮的兔子一样，全身都淋着血。
　　我想象着父亲的手抚摸我的内脏的情景，心脏扑腾扑腾地跳。可是，父亲并不了解我的心情，他喊：“妖怪！”“妖怪，快躲开！”我吃惊地呆立着，喊“爸爸”。父亲越加恐慌，嗓子沙哑，不断地喊着妖怪、妖怪，把床周围的杯子、水壶等手能模得着的东西，都朝我扔过来。一个搪瓷大水壶打中我的脸部，把毛皮做的假脸上镊的粉红色的玻璃也打碎了。整个脸受到的冲击和碎玻璃扎到左眼时的从脸部直到头后部的剧烈疼痛，使我昏死过去。眼中像飞进了一条燃烧着的火龙，一片通红。炽热的火焰在头部燃烧起来，接着又落在一片漆黑之中。我也不知道究竟有多长时间失去了知觉，等我清醒之后一看，我倒在父亲卧室的地板上，被兔皮假脸和头罩遮盖着的脸和头沾满了血，脸部疼得火辣辣的。我虽然慢慢地起来了，却剧烈地晃悠、恶心。我好不容易走到靠墙的梳妆台前，想看看伤口，粉红色的玻璃片正好从眼皮上深深地斜扎进眼球。左眼看来是不行了。我从脸上摘下头罩和假脸，猛地拔出扎在眼睛里的玻璃碎片。血拼命往外流，让我觉得眼球也和血一起在往外流。我简直就像流干了血的兔子一样。
　　我从梳妆台的抽屉里拿出毛巾，把它放在左跟上，把毛巾的两头在后脑紧紧地扎住。可是，我马上又神智恍惚起来，倒在梳妆台前。当我第二次清醒过来时，发现父亲已经死在床上了。一言以蔽之，父亲死后的脸可怕、僵硬、难看、歪斜着。并不是因为这是张可怕的死人脸，所以才觉得可伯，而是因为父亲还是病情发作前的那副样子，所以才觉得他的脸可怕。从他看见我那种样子(说是我的样子，其实是兔子的样子)而喊妖怪来推测，父亲一定是认为自己杀死的那些兔子的亡灵出现了，由于恐怖而加速了病情的发作。因此，这无异于是我杀了自己的父亲。
　　后来，我很清楚地感觉到兔子的亡灵附在了我自己的身上，我成了一只眼的大兔子。我再一次清楚地认识到，总之是自己再也不会回到人世了。回想起来，我作为一个普通的人的生活，是到几年前的一个十四号为止。在那之前我是一个很正常的女学生，只是一直向同学们隐瞒了我父亲奇怪的嗜好——自己杀兔子做菜吃。而对于我自己吃用兔子肉做的菜，我也不是一点不后悔。女同学们如果知道我满不在乎地吃自己养的兔子的肉，一定会给我起外号，叫“鬼百合”。她们就像瞎子一样，尽管我现在一只眼睛坏了，可是一听到杀这个词，那些蠢驴一样的女孩子反映迟钝而又呆板的脸就会变色。无论她们怎么想，我都不在乎。可是，当听到别人说坏话，我一个年轻姑娘也还是不舒服。当然，这对于现在的我来说没有什么关系，随便怎么都可以。
　　是的，我现在完全是一只兔子，而且最近我感到右眼的视力也在减迟，不久右眼的视力也将完全消失。视力一减弱，看得见的东西也看不见了。我自然地产生一种使看不见的东西能看见的力量。父亲那死后的脸总是浮现在我的眼前，见到他那铁青色浮肿的脸、睁开的眼睛、张大的鼻孔，听到他的呼喊声。特别是在我杀兔子的时候，他的脸就突然出现在眼前，我的手一下子就一点劲儿也没有了，也掐不死兔子了。那是一张可怕的脸，也是一种可怕的经历。
　　当我在镜子中看见我的眼中扎进锋利的粉红色玻璃片的时候(是兔子的眼睛被扎了)，虽然确实觉得可怕，但也觉得很美丽。这时的我是一种未曾见过的、令人毛骨悚然的美丽。沾有血污的头发紧贴在我的头上，左眼深深扎进粉红色玻璃碎片的破口处，在电灯灯光的照耀下闪闪发光。这是多么漂亮的化妆。一想到这里，我就失去了以前杀兔子时的快感。我已经注意到这里的兔子都没有眼睛，那都是我挖掉的。当剜着像蔷薇色的玻璃一样的红色、剔透的兔子眼睛时，我能清楚地看到自己那时的令人毛骨悚然的漂亮形象。
　　我第二次见到她，已是在很久以后了。当我觉得这一奇特的经历原来是场梦的时候(因为后来无论怎么找，也没有找到那处被杂木林包围着的房子，谁也不知道有许多兔子的房子)，有一天我出去散步，突然想起了那条路。就像动物本能地归穴一样，我倾着一种看不见的气味和信号走下去，并且看到了那处荒芜的房子。我一进到和她谈话的屋里，就见到她躺在一堆白色的兔子毛皮中间。再走近一看，她的右眼中扎着粉红色的锋利的玻璃，头部下边白色的毛皮上有一大摊血，血的表面结成了一层薄膜。这层薄膜就像雨后路上的积水滴上汽油形成的膜一样，闪耀着彩虹般的颜色。而且，我这是第一次见到她真正的脸。我说不出她的脸是否漂亮。她的左眼只能说是一个抽搐着的、塌陷下去的黑洞。右边扎着粉红玻璃的眼睛大量地往外流血，同时挂在筋上的眼球也一起流出来，就像粉红色的珍珠项链一样，悬在苍白、端正、略微透明的耳朵下边。嘴唇与我下意识的预想相反(我想是否像兔子的嘴唇)，呈美丽的拱形曲线，略含血色。我剥下盖住她全身的白色兔子皮，脱掉我自己穿的衣服，整个身子钻进毛皮里边。然后，我又载上放在她身边的头罩和假脸，在野兽的气味中憋住呼吸，长时间地一动不动地蹲着。在她和我的周围，聚拢着一群瞎眼的兔子。兔子、她和我都一动不动。

　　Writing such a thing, but also include non-written, since the write, it can not escape. Perhaps writing is my destiny.
　　I write in his diary that day these words, in order to walk around in the new home, I do go out half-duty Side preparations. The doctor advised me that due to the physical health benefits of walking, so although I did not like walking, but still no alternative but to walk.
　　Rain quickly enveloped the sky is gray to the ground all the features. In this weather, although almost can not consider the health of the sort of thing, but even the furniture in this room full of people are not disappointed in the room, the impression that diaries and writing paper with its face, it would be better to activities outside activities body good.
　　Although I did not know what this is, however, that there is a sickening sense of smell. This is not the smell disgusting, not only because they want to vomit smell this smell. This is from my body out of the internal distribution of taste.
　　I was walking on the way, in that nothing is populated thicket surrounded the courtyard of the old house, groggy, tired and sat resting on a stone, he saw a white rabbit ran front. Although there are rabbits, but not common, but that is almost the size of me, but this is a rabbit. The evidence is that there are two very long ears. In short, no matter from where it seems, she is completely rabbits. I catch up from the stone rabbit, but in the chase, I did not like the air wildly, suddenly fell into the hole. When I looked intently at the time, just staring at that big rabbit like I seem to sit next to me.
　　"Who are you?"
　　"I walk past, lost, go here. You the Rabbit? No, a rabbit Miss it?"
　　"I particularly like a rabbit you?" This rabbit side of the throat snore snore to ringing, while happy to say, "I was, but I did recently find a man and rabbits can be."
　　"Really do like the rabbit," I exclaimed.
　　Called Sayuri, she said, although this was not terribly bad name, but if Ji called ghost lily or lily of the class, she will be satisfied. "But now no one knows my name, who may not remember. So I think you'd better remember my name is Ji Lily."
　　Her home in extreme terms, can be said that rabbit hole. The floor filled with rabbit skin, was X-pinned on the wall to the rabbit skin was peeled off, exudes the smell of fish smell beast. I sat on the floor piled rabbit skin, the smell is not used to the taste makes me sick. And the little girl looked to me as if this pair does not respond like, keep earth ears, and she scratched with the hind legs behind the ears. Of course this is not behind the ears, itching, and must be long-term habit, like rabbit, like always shook.
　　"I myself always think, I become like this pair, there is always the reason for it! But I still did not understand the morning began to appear about this situation."
　　Then she slowly began to recall.
　　I woke up the morning wandering around the house, but no one at home. Kitchen, dining room, living room, family bedroom, storage, bathroom, toilet, I have searched. To be prudent, I also open the wardrobe and looked, but no one has. Kitchen, gas cooking stove with boiling milk, white milk plays a bubble, like eggs, like the Naipi from muster up out of. Wash room, the brother installed in the cup with the soap to shave with hot water was still dark. Dining room, out of the refrigerator to the ice lattice juice was poured on the surface of small water droplets in the mist shrouded cemented cup. Newspapers read like after being up and thrown on the table the same. Despite being such a scenario, no one can do at home.
　　I baked bread and butter off the gas oven, drink orange juice on the table, while reading the newspaper (not so much read the newspaper, nurturing that only glance at the newspaper is not read by a large coverage of the major type Event News. that news may be foreign wars, the assassination of a foreign prime minister, foreign revolution, in short, is nothing more to do with me), while others may no longer want to come back home. Even if they do not come back, I do not have any embarrassing. I even never thought of why they are not.
　　Father picked up from the plate of bread tucked egg yolk, said as he ate. After the contents are as long as the study will be useful, can not no matter how much people do not want to learn, learning no shortcuts and the like. He mumbled a trial of strength did not mean those words, and with a large cup of tea drinking. He himself did not notice the tip curled beard and black tea yolk drops, or while eating, breathing the second plate of bacon and toast, and talking loudly, as usual, then (my father always speak loudly Even when muttering to himself. sounds like someone in a loud racket.) So loudly that my father always said:
　　"If dined belly full stomach can make it, who are lazy sleepy, is more than a healthy person case. There is no doubt that this is one of the normal physiological instincts. That being the case, why people have to work? Eat After breakfast, head a couple of hours I stumbled to bed, three meals each time wants to sleep after. "
　　Nobody answered nothing, we all listened to a little defiance his father said. Family that the father is a greedy pig Snooze the red-faced, but I do not like this. I like sleep in this sweet joy being fed to breath wheezes, pregnant the father of a drum of a drum. Dinner, I often with my father, other family will never want to eat eat vegetables, eat a very full, are blinded, and still kept on eating. The name of every two people cynical child. Too can not eat until full time, not so with the use of fingers as the Roman noble savage way to pull the voice, but do drink a special herbal diarrhea medicine, such as diarrhea and then started to eat after the stomach.
　　Father in raising food rabbits, twice a month, every first day and the fifth to kill a rabbit food. And the fifth one to the first day, before breakfast at the beginning, my father woke up early, pick out from the cage to kill a fat rabbit. Honestly do not understand anything but a rabbit by his father with thick fingers clutching furry ears, Su Zhao legs motionless. Only to be wrapped in fluffy white hair, soft animals, timid to tighten the body, is easily his father's large hand grabbed his neck. I beheld the second floor of the bedroom several times over, days are numbered to stretch the legs, neck joint was broken body was placed in a cage in front of the ground.
　　Then, his father put yard debris in a small room, with a knife _insert_ed into the rabbit's neck cut off the blood vessels. The rabbit hung upside down. Father slowly eat breakfast, and eat more than usual, has been eating dried rabbit blood. After breakfast, he began to cut open the rabbit's belly, took out his internal organs, stained with the blood of its thrown into a brown wooden barrel, and deft hands peeling. Father's blood stained fingers started peeling thick, white fur from the inside and then slowly exposed by the blood and fat wrapped in pink meat. Such as skin peeling, body to go into the wall of the hut nailed. Wash away the blood of the fur to be launched, was X-nail wall of the hut.
　　His father came home from work at night to put debris in a small house rabbit meat began to cook, to rabbit liver and kidney, raw sausage sauce bore into the rabbit, add the onions, mushrooms, tomatoes and various condiments cooked together. Sometimes stew to eat, but my father and I are particularly fond of condiments such Sauvignon other things within the plug bore rabbit cooked dishes. Home, others to some extent the rabbit as a cute little animals, but do make fur and rabbit meat to express contempt for such small animals and then on to kill, and eat their food was made intolerable . Hate to kill them and grabbed the neck of this lack of preparedness of small biological behavior. They always say, kill the rabbit skinning this behavior is despicable, shameful, not to mention eat its flesh, really makes people feel sick and dirty. Mothers have no alternative but to default (maybe she thinks this is because men outside the family play around and mess up fairly than good), but she is firmly against the kitchen to make this dish, said: "I said in the kitchen and stained with rabbit home to endure the smell of it? people not to clean animal smell of blood to the house. "
　　Two people repeating such a conversation. At the end of the cocoa drink mixed with rum, the two were full because of it is another. Father sucking cigars. While I was slowly sipping a stick in the tongue and the sweet taste of cocoa, while very satisfied to go to sleep. I put yard debris in the house across the way back to the second floor of the bedroom, exposed to the air a little cooler outside, very comfortable, is all the more sweet sleep. Rabbit in a cage quietly fell asleep. Pigeonhole in the low chirping of birds came. Pervaded the air fragrant flowers.
　　"Rest!" Father stood in front of my bedroom, with drowsiness said.
　　"Well, then slowly go die!" He was always such a joke.
　　I think of it, today is the fifteenth to kill rabbits - accurately, I saw the date of the newspaper - I think my father about the house being on the small debris as usual to kill rabbits. Do not know the rest of the family and the brother and sister are how. They hate to see the past, there was blood all the scenes to kill the rabbit, deliberately went to put debris in the cabin, which is unthinkable. I can not think what they can to other places. Therefore, they must have disappeared, no longer appeared, and I think that is good. I repeatedly thought long long time ago, we certainly have expected the occurrence of this matter.
　　Drink orange juice, I think no one has to make breakfast, I have to make breakfast for his father and himself, he made a ham and eggs, milk, tea and toast. And, to this particular morning, I want to do tons of rice such as red beans with rice. I think about red beans with rice the main features of such a meal should be the color, requiring red. Carrots and strawberries in the fridge, I put the carrots and strawberries placed on the table. I think my father will soon realize that the meaning of carrots and strawberries, was very happy.
　　Used to kill rabbits with his father full of bloody great aprons from the kitchen door, while happy to smile while saying: "breakfast bar, eat well today from the morning to start the school if the holiday enough." "The I like the family suddenly unaccounted for female students is due to go to school and not worry too much. " I am increasingly excited and says: "Well, they really gone?" The father entered the room from the start, the kitchen began to drift with the animals, the smell of hot blood. I deeply inhale the smell while the side like that from now on always the smell of home.
　　So, I do not know since when, to kill rabbits, the role of cooking with rabbit meat for me to serve as a. I'll be qualified for this role, do it with great interest. I'm not used to start, but immediately understand the killing rabbits is an interesting thing. And when I reached into the warm bore out the rabbit gut, there will be a kind of happiness, like hand out flowers in the rose-like meat to produce a peculiar feeling of self-forgetting. When a small fingertip touched to the heart is still sinking, flutter flutter Deng Deng to agitate for a time, my heart is also keen to agitate for the.
　　Of course, holding the rabbit's neck pinch when it also has the internal organs of rabbits with the clutch with a different happiness. To the joy of neck Qiazhe more intense, I have tried various methods. Caught the ear of a rabbit to become particularly warm care, but with their own hands to kill the soft, white, pudgy bodies, biological, was particularly cruel to people. And I knew that this would be gradually transformed into brutal full of sweet intoxication of happiness. The slightest hand-rearing, the rabbit was allowed to kick the pain, that is what I want to see, it makes me very excited. Then, I know the neck of a rabbit Qiazhe fingers completely broken. At the same time, my stomach felt rabbit whole body in pain.
　　Of course, this completely free sewing leather jacket is good, spent a considerable effort. Had not yet been tanning hides and skins, and firmly stick red, brown, purple jelly slippery thing, very hard. However, I think, tanned fur, there would be a real rabbit's mood. I first used the rabbit's blood bath body, naked body topped with blood, the people got into rabbit skin coat the inside, hopping like a rabbit, like spinning round. At that time, such and such to be a rabbit when I was mad, my father often had swollen from Rudan purple blue in the exposed face and hands, motionless. When he got up a good mood, but also to play with me. And every day I take care of his father, also do not want to let him see a doctor.
　　In short, my father and I are firmly opposed to anyone else again come to my house. Because they do not know the date of the next episode of his illness, I try not to leave his father's side. At that time, the family rabbit everywhere, all the house is fed rabbit rabbit dung and grass, a mess. So, I for their own happiness, there is no need to put yard debris in the cabin went. Even if the father attack, I can only feed him some water or something, and then wait for the end of episode. Also, my father and I are aware that the real end to the attacks, he also died.
　　Father finally came time to stop the attack. Very painful attack when his father, and I had looked to the pain-stricken. I had a lot of effort to avoid leather jacket ready, want to see it put to the father. I tried to get him happy happy, I think my father will be happy. I took that read, "Please make me eat stew," a placard, like the Easter bunny as much tied around his neck pink ribbon. It was the father's birthday, I want to own as a birthday gift for my father, so very happy. Rabbit entered the room I put on my coat (I seriously practiced jumping rabbits look and action), my father exclaimed in surprise. According to my ideas, he will be surprised into laughter after that we use my rabbit, rabbit for us to strangle the ceremony. Of course, I should not resist, honestly. But his father number one on my neck, imitating the action pinch, I tamper with it, and finally the whole body twitching violently, while on the stiffly down, pretending to die exhausted. Then, the ceremony will be peeling. When I come off the fur coat, like the skinned rabbit, like, the whole body Lin Zhao blood.
　　I imagine my father's hand stroked my internal organs of the scene, the heart thump thump to jump. However, the father did not understand my feelings, he shouted: "Monsters!" "Monster, Look out!" I was surprised to Dai Li, shouting "Daddy." Father increasingly panic, his voice hoarse, constantly shouting monster, monster, the bed around the cups, water bottles and other hand can get the things die, are throwing over. A large enamel kettle hit my face, the fake fur pink tweezers face also broke the glass. The impact on the entire face and broken glass from the bar to the left eye when the head until the rear face of intense pain, so I lost consciousness. Eyes like a fly into a burning fire dragon, one red. Red-hot flames burning up in the head, then they fall into darkness. I do not know exactly how long lost consciousness, and so I looked after waking, I fell to the father on the bedroom floor was covered with rabbit skin with fake face and hooded face and head covered with blood, the face burning pain. Although I am slowly up, but violently swinging, nausea. I finally went to the dressing table against the wall to see the wound, just a pink glass eyes on the deep ramp from the headlong into the eye. Left eye appears to be dying. I'm from the hood off his face and sham face, suddenly pull out the tie in the eyes of the glass fragments. The blood flow out hard, so I think the eye and also with the blood flow in the out. I was like, like rabbit blood drained.
　　Yes, I am totally a rabbit, but recently I feel right eye vision is also of late, near the right eye vision will completely disappear. Vision of a weakened, can not see the visible things. I naturally have a thing to be able to see the invisible force. After the death of his father's face that always emerge in my eyes and saw his iron blue puffy face, open eyes, dilating his nostrils, and hear his cries. Especially when I killed a rabbit, his face suddenly appeared in front of my hand suddenly not a little awkward, but also pinch dead rabbit. It was a terrible face, but also a terrible experience.
　　The second time I saw her, after a long time already. When I think of this strange experience turned out to be a dream, when (because then no matter how hard to find, but could not find it at a house surrounded by weed, who do not know a lot of rabbit house), one day I went for a walk suddenly remembered that way. Classified as animals instinctively point, I pour a kind of invisible odor and signals along this road, and saw that at the deserted house. I entered the house to talk to her to see her lying in the middle of a pile of white rabbit fur. Then came closer, her right eye in sharp wearing pink glass, below the white fur on the head with a large share of blood, blood on the surface to form a layer of film. This layer of water film is like rain drops on the road to the formation of the membrane, like gasoline, shines with rainbow colors. And this is my first time I saw her real face. I can not tell her face is beautiful. Her left eye is twitching can say is, the collapse down a black hole. On the right wearing a pink glass eyes bled heavily, while hanging out with the ribs on the flow out of the eye, like a pink pearl necklace, like, hanging in the pale, straight, slightly below the ear and transparent. Lips and I subconsciously expected the opposite (I think it's lips like a rabbit), showing the beautiful arched curve, with a little color. I take off the cover her whole body white rabbit skin, take off my clothes, got into the whole body fur inside. Then, I _set_ out on her side on the hood and the false face, the smell of the wild beasts in the Biezhu breathing, squatting motionless for a long time. In her around me, gather a group of blind rabbits. Rabbit, she and I remained motionless.

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