|
|
|
| 现代诗歌 | | 古韵新音 | | 西方文学 Western Literature |
 
|
 《旗袍獒/Mastiff In A Mandarin Gown》向北美枫投稿
Mastiff In A Mandarin Gown
The sheen of silk sleeves wafting upon the mirror was misleadingly obscure,
While from the sooty phonograph Irish rhythms like incense’s fragrance flew.
Her luminescent window commands the darkness beneath musky and pure,
Like a Kongming Lantern wandering miles above the realm of mortality in the cobalt blue.
The ceiling stewed iridescent shimmers, and transparent walls were of peach and apricot tones,
And she lay prone with an ear on the floor, listening to the blizzard rising from riverbed of air.
There, snow-covered ranges and shadows of surging clouds bestrewed the ashy stones,
Howls and whispers of beasts were deep and shallow footprints that would the snow tear.
The purplish red luster of Cabernet Sauvignon reflected on her bracelet of bone,
When the moonlight sealed her window with a waxy cross.
The warm and cold fronts clashing inside this airtight cone,
Were crooning like undercurrents fighting with their enamel-like gloss.
Should she wait until black whoops of rage burst the ivory shackles?
Should she slumber until drifting ice and molten lava arouse thundering tides？
Thunders had learnt to whiz past cooperatively when this electrified space crackles,
To demolish this ingenious but infrangible castle by attacking from all sides.
She didn't know even though down to the mortal world she would haste,
She wouldn’t be acquitted from the fate of the lost sheep of Lord.
Wrapping all the vicissitudes of life inside the narrow waist,
She had to negotiate with high heels about what a long road could afford.
旗袍獒
镜面上游离的丝绸光泽始终晦涩，
唱片中爱尔兰天籁像檀香浮动。
她孤灯微亮的窗披沥在麝香幽夜的顶峰，
像一盏漂泊在尘世之上钴蓝高空的孔明灯。
荧光明灭的天花板，桃红杏黄杂糅的透明的墙，
她俯卧在地板上谛听大气的河床上升起的雪暴。
那里雪峰耸峙，乱云翻滚，映着灰枯的石头。
猛兽的长歌短吟像深深浅浅的足印撕破雪毯。
骨雕手镯泛着赤霞珠干红的光，
而月光像火漆封印纵横将窗棂闭锁。
房间里那些无法释放的冷暖锋面，
像互相撞击的暗流发出低吟。
是否要等黑色的怒吼穿透象牙的桎梏？
是否要等流冰和熔岩化为滔天的飞沫？
这个带电的空间和惊雷早已里应外合，
要拆毁这座玲珑而坚固的堡垒。
她不知道即使挣脱牢笼坠入凡间，
也免不了万艳同悲的命运。
把日升月恒都缝合在狭窄的腰身里，
用高跟鞋去敷衍一望无际的前路。
2007-08-15 21:46:44 |
| Lake ?2007-08-16 19:40:12?? |  |
Will be back.
|
| yinxiaoyuan ?2007-08-16 20:57:36?? | |
Lake诗兄，
多切磋！
|
| Lake ?2007-08-17 18:32:51?? | |
No critics from me.
You have a good command of both English and Chinese poems.
It has a traditional feel and carries a sense of darkness. Very well rhymed, too.
Too me, it is very deep, more like a portrait or a figure depiction, detailed and luxury with incredibly dense imagery.
Lots for me to learn.
|
| 戴玨 ?2007-08-18 08:18:14?? Re: 《旗袍獒/Mastiff In A Mandarin Gown》向北美枫投稿 | |
| yinxiaoyuan 写到: |
Her luminescent window commands the darkness beneath musky and pure,
她孤灯微亮的窗披沥在麝香幽夜的顶峰， |
beneath後面加個逗號可能好點。披沥？用俯視在中文語法上不好處理？
| yinxiaoyuan 写到: |
There, snow-covered ranges and shadows of surging clouds bestrewed the ashy stones,
那里雪峰耸峙，乱云翻滚，映着灰枯的石头。 |
shadows bestrewed the stones，這個好，但ranges效果就差了點。
| yinxiaoyuan 写到: |
...even though down to the mortal world she would haste,
...即使挣脱牢笼坠入凡间，
She wouldn’t be acquitted from the fate of the lost sheep of Lord.
也免不了万艳同悲的命运。 |
evern though...she (had) hasted,
She wouldn't ...
acquit of，不過這詞不好，用avoid或escape和fate搭配更准確。
| yinxiaoyuan 写到: |
She had to negotiate with high heels about what a long road could afford.
用高跟鞋去敷衍一望无际的前路。 |
英文版費解，可能和選用afford一字有關，中文版意思則很清楚。
|
| yinxiaoyuan ?2007-08-19 21:20:28?? | |
感谢Lake诗兄的评赏。
根据戴老师的指点，将本诗修改如下：
Mastiff In A Mandarin Gown
The sheen of silk sleeves wafting upon the mirror was misleadingly obscure,
While from the sooty phonograph Irish rhythms like incense’s fragrance flew.
Her luminescent window commands the darkness beneath- all musky and pure,
Like a Kongming Lantern wandering miles above the realm of mortality in the cobalt blue.
The ceiling stewed iridescent shimmers, and transparent walls were of peach and apricot tones,
And she lay prone with an ear on the floor, listening to the blizzard rising from riverbed of air.
There, snow-covered ranges extended，and shadows of surging clouds bestrewed the ashy stones,
Howls and whispers of beasts were deep and shallow footprints that would the snow tear.
The purplish red luster of Cabernet Sauvignon reflected on her bracelet of bone,
When the moonlight sealed her window with a waxy cross.
The warm and cold fronts clashing inside this airtight cone,
Were crooning like undercurrents fighting with their enamel-like gloss.
Should she wait until black whoops of rage burst the ivory shackles?
Should she slumber until drifting ice and molten lava arouse thundering tides？
Thunders had learnt to whiz past cooperatively when this electrified space crackles,
To demolish this ingenious but infrangible castle by attacking from all sides.
She didn't know even though down to the mortal world she had hasted,
She wouldn’t escape from the fate of the lost sheep of Lord.
With all the vicissitudes of life laced inside smothered and wasted,
She negotiated about the tour with her high heels-a siamese twin to ‘the silver cord’.
旗袍獒
镜面上游离的丝绸光泽始终晦涩，
唱片中爱尔兰天籁像檀香浮动。
她孤灯微亮的窗在麝香幽夜的顶峰俯瞰，
像一盏漂泊在尘世之上钴蓝高空的孔明灯。
荧光明灭的天花板，桃红杏黄杂糅的透明的墙，
她俯卧在地板上谛听大气的河床上升起的雪暴。
那里雪峰耸峙，乱云翻滚，映着灰枯的石头。
猛兽的长歌短吟像深深浅浅的足印撕破雪毯。
骨雕手镯泛着赤霞珠干红的光，
而月光像火漆封印纵横将窗棂闭锁。
房间里那些无法释放的冷暖锋面，
像互相撞击的暗流发出低吟。
是否要等黑色的怒吼穿透象牙的桎梏？
是否要等流冰和熔岩化为滔天的飞沫？
这个带电的空间和惊雷早已里应外合，
要拆毁这座玲珑而坚固的堡垒。
她不知道即使挣脱牢笼坠入凡间，
也免不了万艳同悲的命运。
任日升月恒在狭窄的腰身里湮灭成尘，
与和生命纠缠不清的高跟鞋斡旋生途。
|
| 评论鉴赏 Reviews | | 小说故事 | | 宾至如归 | | 大雅风文学奖 |
|
