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 [原创双语诗] 垂钓者 Fisherman
此诗先汉语后英语， 请教正，先谢了！
Fisherman
Sitting by water like a fall leaf
Has faded
Into a silence
Eyesight on the buoys, dreaming
He lets flowing water rinse memory
While fish jumping
His emotions only ripple
While hooking nothing
Not yet clasp a sigh
At dawn fishes with the crescent moon
At dusk he clasps the sun in water
垂 钓 者
泊在水边 像一枚秋叶
淡了
淡成一个 静
目光 在浮标上 做梦
任流水漂洗记忆……
鱼跳
情感只漾微波……
钓空
不挂一声叹息
早晨 以新月下钩
晚钓水中的 红日
2002秋天草
2007-08-13 06:24:14 |
| kokho ?2007-08-16 11:07:47?? |  |
Be fading
Faded out a silence 再斟酌 ：）
。
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| William Zhou周道模 ?2007-08-16 16:10:34?? | |
谢谢 kokho 的建议，我作了修改，各位再审读。又对汉语作了几处修改，英语也随之改了．
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| Lake ?2007-08-16 19:49:41?? | |
先问一个语法上的问题：
Fisherman
Berthing by water like a fall leaf
Has faded
Faded away ... be a silence
Eyesight on the buoys, dreaming
Let flowing water rinse memory
While fish jumping
Emotions only ripple
While clasping nothing
Not yet clasp a sigh
At dawn fishes with the crescent
At dusk clasps the setting sun sucking water
最后两句中的 "fishes“ 和 "clasps" 的主语是什么？ 哪去了？
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| William Zhou周道模 ?2007-08-16 20:56:30?? | |
答 Lake : 它们的主语就是钓鱼人，在汉诗里要尽量简约用词，除了标题用了“垂钓者”，诗句中不再出现，也不用“他”代指。可能英语就不能这样吧？如是，则可加上“he".
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| Lake ?2007-08-17 16:45:46?? | |
谢谢William的答复。
我觉得主语和谓语离得太远了，特别是中间还有其它的句子，不把主语补齐，会造成语义不清。
我试了一下，可能和你的原意有差距。
The Fisherman
sits by the water like an autumn leaf
whose color fades
fading into silence.
He gazes on the buoys, dreaming
and lets flowing water rinse his memory.
Fishes jump out of water
as his emotions ripple.
An empty fishing hook
on which not even a sigh.
At dawn he fishes with the crescent moon,
at dusk the watery setting sun.
这里我用的是 run-on title, 既 标题和第一行读在一起。
I like the imagery in this poem which reminds me of the condensing exercise we did long time agao, i.e. to trim the branches to the bare bone. Now I take the liberty to play around with the word order and here it goes:
The fisherman
By the water
A fading autumn leaf
Silence
His gaze on the buoys
Water rinses his memory
Out of water fishes jump
Ripples of emotions
Empty
Not even a sigh
At dawn he fishes
with the crescent moon
At dusk
the watery setting sun
(may sound a bit choppy?)
I normally don't do this kind of stuff, but since you asked, here is only my one person's opinion. Again feel free to take what you like or discard it totally.
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| William Zhou周道模 ?2007-08-17 18:32:43?? | |
敬答 Lake : 谢谢你为这首小诗所花的精力和时间！钓鱼的老年人居多，他们无力或无心去竞争去拚搏，所以“淡了”，主要是指心态。原来有两句可以明显看出是写老人，为了空灵的意境，删了。我的翻译为了不伤害意境却翻出了汉语特征的英语。从你的第一翻我可以找到英语诗的感觉，你的第二翻的节奏、语气更接近我的原诗。我将再修改一次，还请大家批评。
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| Lake ?2007-08-18 14:05:28?? | |
再来絮叨几句。
淡了
译成
He has faded
英文读上去 好像不大好理解。
如果说 树叶 discolored, faded, 而人就象那片树叶一样，就比较通。
听了一位英国朋友的意见，在我的第一版上又作了些修改。三版：
He sits by the water like an autumn leaf
whose color fades
into silence.
Entranced by bobbing buoys,
flowing waters rinse his memory.
Fish jump,
as his emotions ripple:
a fishing hook
catches not even a sigh.
At dawn he fishes with the crescent moon,
at dusk, the watery sun.
* Delete "fading into silence", more concise.
* Take "setting" (redundant)out, for "dusk" has already indicated the time of the day, therefore no need to mention "setting".
Well, too much for this one. I quit.
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| 曹东 ?2007-08-18 18:47:35?? | |
读了汉语，简洁，有意味。
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| William Zhou周道模 ?2007-08-19 04:26:07?? | |
谢谢曹东的赏读。再答 Lake: 采纳你的宝贵意见：1、把 he has faded 改一下，把人和树叶都包括在内，这样就有张力了； 2、用 fade into 更简洁； 3、删掉 setting，
“夕阳”也要改。谢了！你的第三版译文很漂亮，是你的翻译作品，建议你给有关文学刊物发表。对我来讲，不仅是修改作品和译文，而且是提高英语水平和翻译能力。
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