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北美枫文集
Lake
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?????121?
?????2007-01-09
????? ?????Lake's blog 查找Lake发表的所有帖子 ???the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins 胡礼忠2010-11-15 05:21:45拜访老师、颂冬祺！ Lake2010-01-16 09:05:12Thank you. 我家三儿2010-01-07 05:21:39我叫太阳每天把幸福的阳光洒在你身上，我叫月亮每天给你一个甜美的梦境，祝愿你事事如意！ Lake2008-11-04 11:04:13Thanks. hepingdao2008-11-04 10:52:29congratulations!
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| 西方文学 Western Literature | | English Poetry |
 
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 Ominous Signs
Ominous Signs
Dusk, birds in haste fly home.
Then darkness creeps in. Strange，
cats climb up trees; dogs
bark far and near; fish
jump out of bubbling water.
A night like this is rare.
Before dawn, earth starts to quake
and crack as if a train clangs and clanks
along, while doors and windows
squeak and squawk, walls and roofs
moan and groan, collapsing in dust.
In a blink the city in ruins.
Stillness. Moon and stars hide
behind black clouds. A girl
unaware of how she crawled
out of rubble, shivers. A cry for help
from underneath. Not long the voice fades.
If uncertain before, now she knows.
2007-06-26 09:50:09 |
| kokho ?2007-06-28 03:39:19?? |  |
Ominous Signs
Dusk, birds fly home in haste.
Then darkness creeps in. Strangely，
cats rush up trees; dogs
bark all over; fishes
jump out of bubbling water.
...A night like this is rare.
Before dawn, earth starts to quake
and crack as if a train clangs and clanks
along, while doors and windows
squeak and squawk, walls and roofs
moan and groan, collapsing in dust.
In a blink the city in ruins.
Stillness. Moon and stars hide
behind black clouds. A girl
unaware of how she crawled
out of rubble, shivers. A cry for help
from underneath. A while and the voice fades.
If uncertain before, now she knows.
_________________
<> A few suggestions even out our common Chinese traits...  )
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| Lake ?2007-06-28 17:37:34?? | |
Welcome back and thanks for your read and critique.
| kokho 写到: |
<> A few suggestions even out our common Chinese traits... )
|
Sorry, I didn't get it, 
but will mull over your suggestions.
| 引用: |
| A while and the voice fades. |
How about "Soon, the voice fades"?
I'm afraid I have some reservations on other parts.
.
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| kokho ?2007-06-29 10:39:54?? | |
"Soon, the voice fades"
This is better...
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| Lake ?2007-06-29 11:23:08?? | |
| 引用: |
Dusk, birds fly home in haste.
Then darkness creeps in. Strangely，
cats rush up trees; dogs
bark all over; fishes
jump out of bubbling water.
...A night like this is rare. |
1) birds in haste /fly home
birds fly home /in haste
I didn't see much difference in meaning between these two. Did you?
When read, the first version has two accents in each foot(2/2), the second has three and one (3/1) respectively.
2) Strange, cats...
Strangely, cats...
"Strange" is used here to describe the scene, not the action. Put it the other way: It is strange that cats...dogs...fish..
Does it make sense?
3) fish jump
fishes jump
"fish" can be used as both singular and plural(fishes). Since "cats", "dogs" all are one syllable words, I thought "fish" is a better word choice to match them.
These are my thought after studing your suggestions, I may not have thought about it in such a detail.
Please bring more. Thanks much!
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| kokho ?2007-07-01 22:17:35?? | |
birds in haste /fly home 《》 慌张的鸟 （无奈的）回家了。
The birds are in state of haste, and may have a few options...
fly away..
land on ground
land on roof
land on electrical wire
But they chosen to fly home (which is assume to be far away)
《》=============================《》
birds fly home in haste 《》 鸟 慌张的赶回家。
The Birds are single-minded about getting home
They are getting home not leisurely;
but in haste...
<<<>>> In story telling or shooting movie there are lots of difference
. on this two sentences.
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| kokho ?2007-07-01 22:18:46?? | |
Put it the other way: It is strange that cats...dogs...fish..
Does it make sense?
It is strange that cats dogs and fish are not eating at all today )
..
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| Lake ?2007-07-02 18:45:37?? | |
谢谢Kokho花时间详细阐述。
in haste, 当时描述的是鸟急急忙忙地飞回家。
没想到放前放后还有这么些区别。
谢谢你的suggestions, 你提出的这些问题，着实让我仔细地琢磨了一阵。
以后继续仔细读认真评啊。
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| kokho ?2007-07-03 23:23:32?? | |
跟你谈诗 我好像功力精进。。。
你做学问认真，我也受影响 !!!
好事 。
。
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| William Zhou周道模 ?2007-08-15 16:18:08?? | |
友好，专业，深入。我受益了也致谢了！
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