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 【汉英俳句】蟋 蟀
蟋 蟀
周道模 著译
草丛啼月光
跳上路面恋爱忙
狗嘴里命丧
Mourning the Crickets
cried for moonlight in grass
they jumped onto street to make love
but died in the dog's mouth
2010-10-7上午11:00湔江边
2010-10-09 15:17:58 |
| Lake ?2010-10-09 17:02:08?? |  |
中文俳句逐句译成英文免不了一，臃长；二，失了俳味。
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| 戴玨 ?2010-10-15 03:34:26?? | |
原來狗吃蟋蟀的啊？ 
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| William Zhou周道模 ?2010-10-20 20:39:19?? | |
| Lake 写到: |
| 中文俳句逐句译成英文免不了一，臃长；二，失了俳味。 |
yes, you are right, thanks!
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| William Zhou周道模 ?2010-10-20 20:43:35?? | |
| 戴玨 写到: |
| 原來狗吃蟋蟀的啊？ |
我也是第一次看见，原来也不知。世上很多稀奇事我们并不都知晓。谢读！
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| Lake ?2010-10-21 07:45:56?? | |
I didn’t mean to be negative, William, but find your C-ku is better than your E-ku.
I tried one based on yours, which might not convey exactly what you intended, or even worse than yours, but hope you get what I meant.
chirps in moonlit grass
jumping to the road they mate -
dog's mouth slobbering
At least, it is within 17 syllables.  Just one more way to look at it.
Not the best, but hope it helps a bit.
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| William Zhou周道模 ?2010-10-25 16:26:21?? | |
thank you for your good idea! your translation is so short,good one. I've also shortened mine.
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| Lake ?2010-10-26 05:44:03?? | |
| William Zhou周道模 写到: |
悲 蟋 蟀
周道模 著译
草丛啼月光
跳上路面恋爱忙
狗嘴把命丧
Mourning the Crickets
crying for moonlit in grass
onto street to love in a hurry
but they died in the dog's mouth
... |
Hope I didn't confuse you.
"moonlit" should be "moonlight" in your line if you want a noun there.
Line 2 doesn't make much sense.
Best,
Lake
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| William Zhou周道模 ?2010-10-26 18:28:34?? | |
OK! go on rewriting it.
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| 非马 ?2010-10-27 14:28:34?? | |
如果不是因为要“削诗就俳”，第一及第三句都该加个"里"字才是. 现在读起来好象是“草丛”在啼月光，“狗嘴"完蛋了. 一笑.
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