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北美枫文集
Lake
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?????121?
?????2007-01-09
????? ?????Lake's blog 查找Lake发表的所有帖子 ???the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins 胡礼忠2010-11-15 05:21:45拜访老师、颂冬祺！ Lake2010-01-16 09:05:12Thank you. 我家三儿2010-01-07 05:21:39我叫太阳每天把幸福的阳光洒在你身上，我叫月亮每天给你一个甜美的梦境，祝愿你事事如意！ Lake2008-11-04 11:04:13Thanks. hepingdao2008-11-04 10:52:29congratulations!
and you can configure to show or not to show those articles from bbs |
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| 西方文学 Western Literature |
 
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 A Summer Day
A Summer Day
I put on glasses, walked beneath
the sun to see tea trees.
A Daizu girl in tube-shaped dress
played a flute to greet me.
We wandered up the hill and saw
green rows of soldiers stand,
salute us, weary, sticky in
the heat, and fair skins tanned.
But soon a gentle breeze arose
as leaves and sprouts unfurled.
They escorted me the way stars
surround the moon, and twirled
around my apron, oversleeves.
I picked with care the buds,
tender, cool like infant fingers
tickling my basket.
I wrapped the tea disc I kneaded
and waited by a tree.
There is a time in life I’ll pour
my friend a cup of tea.
(I know it's not quite there yet, but I'm stuck and post it here for crits and opinions. Thanks.)
2009-11-20 08:56:41 |
| justjust123 ?2009-11-20 16:23:13?? |  |
nice. i like it.
for a quick comment, i think
1. S2: 'to find' might have been misused,
2. S2: 'sweaty sticky' may be 'sweaty, sticky' or 'sweaty and sticky'?
3. S4: i would prefer adding some more words like this:
around my apron and oversleeves,
I picked with care the little buds,
tender, smooth like infant fingers
gently tickling my basket.
4. S5 might seem a little vague. I don't know what a tea disc is.
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| Lake ?2009-11-21 00:03:05?? | |
Hi just,
Thanks for jumping in to help.
| justjust123 写到: |
| 1. S2: 'to find' might have been misused, |
I'll think about this word again.
| justjust123 写到: |
| 2. S2: 'sweaty sticky' may be 'sweaty, sticky' or 'sweaty and sticky'? |
What's the name of the poet who took out a punctuation mark in the morning and put it back in at the end of the day?  I'm just doing the opposite - used a comma at first, then removed it. Now I see why... it was "sickly" in place of "sweaty" during the edit.
| justjust123 写到: |
3. S4: i would prefer adding some more words like this:
around my apron and oversleeves,
I picked with care the little buds,
tender, smooth like infant fingers
gently tickling my basket. |
This is a bit tricky. I see what you are doing here - to add some colour, some gentle feel to it. I have to admit that I was trying my hand at a ballad, not very successful you can tell. Meters deviate in places, S4 doesn't rhyme. But on the other hand, if I may say so myself, because of the glitches, it sounds interesting. 
On the second thought, L1 can be rewritten as
around my apron, and my sleeves.
to sacrifice "oversleeves". "little" and "gently" are modifiers. Do "bud" and "infant fingers" imply the little, gentle meanings?
| justjust123 写到: |
4. S5 might seem a little vague. I don't know what a tea disc is.
... |
That bugs me, too. Other expressions are "tea bricks", "tea cakes", but none of them is satisfying to me. Any suggestions for 茶饼？
Thanks for your comment that helps me see which part is not clear to the reader.
Very much appreciated.
Lake
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| justjust123 ?2009-11-21 18:19:24?? | |
Thank you for your detailed reply.
1. my mistake for not recognizing that this is a ballad. I took 'tickling' as a 2-syllable word. sure there is no need of 'little' and 'gently',
2. I think I understand what a 'tea disc' is (unprocessed tea) though I have never seen one myself except the one you posted,
3. as for 'to find', 'and saw' could replace it. i think normally we say 'found him standing there' or 'found that he stood there'. 牛津双解 is the best one i have seen in terms of explaining usages of verbs. unfortunately my copy was long gone,
4. 'soldiers stand ... in heat': the phrase 'in heat' means something else, i don't know if it can be used in the way it was being used here. i have heard of 'in the heat',
5. 'There is a time in life I’ll pour my friend a cup of tea' might sound a little abrupt. of course i don't have anything in mind to offer.
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| Lake ?2009-11-21 21:19:27?? | |
Thanks again, just.
1. "tickling" - syllable count sometimes is really a matter of how the speaker says a word. e.g.
tick·le (tĭk'əl)
2. I'm just lucky enough that I actually made one 茶饼 myself under the supervision of the professionals last summer. And bought it, not cheap.
3. The use of "find", "in heat" - fair enough. I'll rework on these places.
Cheers,
Lake
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| justjust123 ?2009-11-21 23:18:55?? | |
Thank you.
I think we can write oversleeves as o'ersleeves to shorten the number of syllables
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| Lake ?2009-12-06 16:56:03?? | |
| justjust123 写到: |
Thank you.
I think we can write oversleeves as o'ersleeves to shorten the number of syllables |
The shortened word sounds Shakespearean.
Some minor edits.
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| 非马 ?2009-12-07 10:35:59?? | |
I like the poem. The line "tickling my basket" is wonderful, though I feel the word "smooth" in the line above might not be necessary.
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| Lake ?2009-12-07 22:57:14?? | |
Glad to hear from you, Mr. Fei Ma. You're right, "smooth" is not needed. I changed it to "cool".
Best,
Lake
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| 佟俊儿 ?2010-02-23 22:42:57?? | |
试着译了下，不太会译，毕竟我是学理的，呵呵
try to translate your poem,i hope you can like it ,hehe.i have learned more,thanks ,land.your poem is very beautiful ,i hope i can have a chance to have a cup of tea with you.someone said "woman is a cup of green tea.",right?)
夏天
作者：land
我戴着眼镜，走在海边
太阳，透过茶树
一个傣族女孩，穿着管形的礼服
用一曲长笛，迎接我。
我们在小山上漫步，看到
绿色的士兵列队
向我们致敬，疲倦
被炎热和黝黑的肌肤包裹
但很快，微风习习
当树叶和嫩芽舒展开来
他们护送我，走向星辰
开始环绕月球，旋转
带上围裙，袖套
我用心地挑选嫩芽，
它们是那么温柔，凉爽
像婴儿的手指
撩拨我的篮子
端起茶盘，端起
一棵树的抚摸和等待
生命中的每一段时光，我的朋友
我都将，沏茶以待
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