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| 现代诗歌 | | 古韵新音 | | 西方文学 Western Literature |
 
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 （原创、向《北美枫》纸刊投稿）《刀疤一代》（中、英、德、日）
刀疤一代
殷晓媛
这是一个失散在掩体外围的群落。野生的星空
水淋淋在上方舒卷滚动，离他们近在咫尺
像一种只有他们能看见的神性的母体。高昂的眼睛
秉承了星辰的孤独，一直燃烧到遥远的枯干
并只在天穹的球面游移。他们彼此离得很远
远在回声的臂长之外。每一座山头上的守望
都隽永而寂寥，猎食之外他们就变成蜡像
对着不再湛蓝的天幕形影相吊。从一座山峰
到另一座，他们从彼此的高度中找到理由，
这是皇冠上的一圈宝石。他们习惯以默哀的视角
挑剔几百米外的中部盆地炊烟的妩媚。或者那些
他们被驯服的远房侄儿，在菊花和梯田薄雾的深处
快乐的吠叫打鸣。心照不宣的相互一瞥
带着些嫉妒的同感，却因看不清彼此的眼睛而终结。
脸上挂着勋章一样的刀疤，张望时
全身羽毛倒竖，脖子斗鸡般凶狠的伸长，
虽然视野之内并没有敌人。但偶然会有天真的孩童
爬上山来，在离秃鹫或者豺狗不远的地方，旁若无人
坐下来看奇形怪状的云彩，有时甜甜入梦。但他们
从不将他开膛剖肚——一个费解的种族。
秋天凉下来，枫叶扰得视野迷蒙，
他们像墓碑一样站着，为内心的死亡和永恒感动。
他们随身携带的坟冢，在风里、水里和被落叶焚烧的
季节里，死后仍然带伤翱翔，从冷锋经过的高处
俯视被村庄围起来，灌溉得很好的生命和
埋葬鹅群与家猫的黄土。
怪我を誇る世代
これは掩蔽壕の枠外に散在している群れである。野生の星が
湿った絹のような空から滴り落ち、彼らの傍に垂れ
彼らにしか見えない神性のマトリックスのように。星空を仰ぐ瞳は
星の孤独を受け継いで、侘しい炎の末までずっと燃えてゆく
こんな煌きは蒼穹のみに照らす。お互いに隔たっている
木霊の届けるところの向こうで。峰からの狩は
不滅の寂しさ、狩猟しないとき彼らは蝋人形のように
空色でない空に自分を哀れむ。峰から峰へと
流離う魂よ、彼らは他山の標高を鑑にし
王冠における宝石のように輝く。黙祷の視角にてゆらゆらと
遠隔の盆地から立ち上った炊煙を非難する。偶に、飼いならされた
遠縁の甥が、菊と段々畑の霞んだ奥に
吠えたり鳴いたりするのを聞く。眼差しは暗黙に擦れ違い
醸された嫉妬の同感は、お互いの目が見えないから消えてゆく。
勲章のような怪我が顔に横たわっている。眺めるとき
体を覆った羽が立つ、闘鶏のように首を伸ばす。
何の敵も姿を現していないのに。しょっちゅう、無邪気な児童が
彼らの峰に登り、はげわし或いは山犬の隣に、陶然と横になり
奇妙な夕焼けを見ながら、寝入った。彼らはこれらの脆い存在の命を
奪ったことはない——難解な一族だなあ！
爽やかな秋がやってきた、楓で乱された風景の中に
彼らは墓石のように佇み、心に潜んだ死亡と恒久に感動。
彼らの生まれつきの墓は、風に、水に、燃やされた落葉に
漂っている。死後も依然として怪我を顧みず飛翔し、寒冷前線の通る高峰から
村に囲まれ、よく灌漑された生命と鵞鳥、猫を葬った
黄土を見下ろしている。
die narbige Genenation
das ist eine zerstreutete Sippe über Grenze des Schutzes. der wilde sternbes?te Himmel
hatte sich gewellt und entfaltet w?sserig, nicht ein Haarbreit von ihren K?pfen aufw?rts
wie eine heilige Matrix nur mit ihren Augen sichtbar. Seine gro?mütige Augen
erbten die Einsamkeit der Sterne, und erbrennten bis sie würden gel?scht in einer Dürre in die ferne Zukunft
diese Augen wandern nur an der Himmelskugel. Diese obdachlosen sind weit entfernt von einander
mit dem Abstand eines Echos dazwischen. Die Silhouetten auf den Gipfeln
sind unverg?nglich aber desolat. Sie werden Wachsfiguren wenn sie auf nichts Jagd machen
und den Kummer goutieren gegen den Himmel, die nicht mehr azurblau. von Berg
zu einem anderen, sie fanden Gründe für Existenz in H?hen einandern:
sie waren unvergleichliche Edelsteine auf einer Krone. Sie waren gewohnt,
den traumhaften Rauch zu verachten, die von der Schüssel stieg. Seine weite Neffen
die gez?hmt und versklavet wurden, kl?fften und kr?hten in dem Nebel
jenseits der Chrysanthemen und der Terrassen. Sie warfen einen flüchtigen Blick zu einander
mit gemeinsamen Eifersucht, die würde wegen Mangels an Augenkontakten enden.
Mit Narben wie Abzeichen auf ihren Gesichtern reckten sie ihre K?pfe vor
mit Federn, die aufw?rts zerzausten, und H?lse,die dehnten sich aus in Zorn
obwohl keine Feinde in Sicht waren. Zwischen Zeiten stiegen unschuldige Kinder
diese Berge auf, sa? neben der Geier und Schakale, und sahen
die wunderbar-geformten flamboyanten Wolken an. Sie sanken in den Schlaf gelegentlich. Aber
diese grausame verletzten nie diese zarten Kreaturen——eine r?tselhafte spezies.
Als Herbst den Kern der Erde abkühlte, und die Landschaft zerzaust mit bernsteinfarbenem Ahorn war.
Sie standen wie Grabsteine,von Verg?nglichkeit und Ewigkeit innerhalb ihrer Herzen bewegt werden
Die Grabe, die sie mit sich herumtragten, waren in den Brisen, in den Flüssen und den Jahreszeiten
die mit abgefallenen Bl?ttern brennen, Ihr Flug dauret nach dem Tod fort, bei einer H?he, wo kalte Fronten ging vorbei
Sie sahen nach unten, auf Leuten von D?rfern umgebenen; und von Klischee gut bew?sserten
und auch auf L?ss, wo h?usliche G?nse und Katzen begraben wurden.
The Scarred Generation
This is but a species scattered over the shelters. The wild starry sky
crimpled and smoothed out with silky luster, only several inches above their head
like a divine matrix visible to nobody but them. Their haughty eyes
where solitude of stars were incarnated, burned until the oil ran dry.
They moved only within the vault of heaven. They stood aloof
keeping one another at an echo’s distance. The silhouettes on the mountains
were immortal but desolate, which became wax figures when not preying,
and feasted on sorrow against a sky no longer azure. From a peak
to another, they found reasons for existence in each other’s altitudes:
they were matchless jewels on a crown. They were used to carping at
the fascinating wisps of smoke rising from the basin some hundred away, or listening to their
distant nephews tamed and enslaved, who were barking or crowing in the mist
beyond the chrysanthemum and terraced fields. They darted a glance to one another
with sympathetic jealousy，which would end for lack of eyes’ contacts.
With scars like insignias across their faces, they craned backwards and forwards
with feathers ruffling up, and necks stretched in wrath,
although no enemies were in sight. Between times innocent children
ascended these mountains, and sat beside vultures and jackals, watching
the wonderfully-shaped flamboyant clouds. Sometimes they fell asleep. But these savage ones
never hurt these fragile creatures——an enigmatical species.
When autumn cooled the core of the earth, and the landscape tousled with amber-colored maple，
They stood still like gravestones, moved by ephemerality and permanence within their hearts.
The tombs they carried on them, were in the breezes, in the waters and in the seasons
conflagrating with fallen leaves. Their flight continues after death, at an altitude where cold fronts moved by
and looked down at lives encircled by villages, irrigated with cliché and at the loess
where domestic geese and cats were buried.
2007-11-30 00:08:10 |
| 戴玨 ?2007-12-02 13:38:28?? Re: （原创、向《北美枫》纸刊投稿）《刀疤一代》（中、英、德、日） |  |
殷小姐竟懂得這些個語言，令人羡慕啊！只能就英文版給些建議：
| yinxiaoyuan wrote: |
...The wild starry sky
crimpled and smoothed out with silky luster, only several inches above their head |
用的是crimp吧？不過crimp多用作使動，可考慮curl或wrinkle。幹嗎不用watery luster？
... Their haughty eyes
incarnated the solitude of the stars, and blazed till the oil ran dry.
They only moved on the inside of the welkin.
雋永是意味深長的意思吧？如果同意，那
...The silhouettes on the mountains
were significant but desolate, which became wax figures when not hunting,
and feasted on sorrow against a sky no longer azure. From one peak
to another, they found ...
| yinxiaoyuan wrote: |
| they were matchless jewels on a crown. They were used to carping at |
按中文版的意思，我倒覺得用matching較好，或
they were a circle of jewels on a crown.
hundreds of meters away
darted a glance at one another
...
When they looked around, with scars like medals across their faces,
with feathers ruffled up, they stretched their necks viciously like in a cockfight,
although no enemies were in sight. Betweentimes some innocent children
might ascend these mountains, sit down not far from the vultures and the jackals,
and watch the grotesque clouds....
|
| yinxiaoyuan ?2007-12-02 21:54:28?? | |
感谢戴老师的指点。
花拳绣腿招摇过市，献丑了！
贵论坛纯净的学术气氛在这个时代难能可贵，我非常欣赏，老师们不吝赐教，也使我的英文越来越脚踏实地，自己感觉确实有了进步。
请今后继续指点。。。
叩谢。。。
|
| 戴玨 ?2007-12-05 04:30:40?? | |
指點不敢當，大家相互交流。
|
| 博弈 ?2007-12-05 06:37:13?? Re: （原创、向《北美枫》纸刊投稿）《刀疤一代》（中、英、德、日） | |
| yinxiaoyuan wrote: |
刀疤一代
殷晓媛
这是一个失散在掩体外围的群落。野生的星空
水淋淋在上方舒卷滚动，离他们近在咫尺
像一种只有他们能看见的神性的母体。高昂的眼睛
秉承了星辰的孤独，一直燃烧到遥远的枯干
并只在天穹的球面游移。他们彼此离得很远
远在回声的臂长之外。每一座山头上的守望
都隽永而寂寥，猎食之外他们就变成蜡像
对着不再湛蓝的天幕形影相吊。从一座山峰
到另一座，他们从彼此的高度中找到理由，
这是皇冠上的一圈宝石。他们习惯以默哀的视角
挑剔几百米外的中部盆地炊烟的妩媚。或者那些
他们被驯服的远房侄儿，在菊花和梯田薄雾的深处
快乐的吠叫打鸣。心照不宣的相互一瞥
带着些嫉妒的同感，却因看不清彼此的眼睛而终结。
脸上挂着勋章一样的刀疤，张望时
全身羽毛倒竖，脖子斗鸡般凶狠的伸长，
虽然视野之内并没有敌人。但偶然会有天真的孩童
爬上山来，在离秃鹫或者豺狗不远的地方，旁若无人
坐下来看奇形怪状的云彩，有时甜甜入梦。但他们
从不将他开膛剖肚——一个费解的种族。
秋天凉下来，枫叶扰得视野迷蒙，
他们像墓碑一样站着，为内心的死亡和永恒感动。
他们随身携带的坟冢，在风里、水里和被落叶焚烧的
季节里，死后仍然带伤翱翔，从冷锋经过的高处
俯视被村庄围起来，灌溉得很好的生命和
埋葬鹅群与家猫的黄土。
The Scarred Generation
This is but a species scattered over the shelters. The wild starry sky
crimpled and smoothed out with silky luster, only several inches above their head
like a divine matrix visible to nobody but them. Their haughty eyes
where solitude of stars were (was?) incarnated, burned until the oil ran dry.
They moved only within the vault of heaven. They stood aloof
keeping one another at an echo’s distance. The silhouettes on the mountains
were immortal but desolate, which became wax figures when not preying,
and feasted on sorrow against a sky no longer azure(azured?). From a peak
to another, they found reasons for existence in each other’s altitudes:
they were matchless jewels on a crown. They were used to carping at
the fascinating wisps of smoke rising from the basin some hundred away, or listening to their
distant nephews tamed and enslaved, who were barking or crowing in the mist
beyond the chrysanthemum and terraced fields. They darted a glance (glances?)to one another
with sympathetic jealousy，which would end for lack of eyes’ contacts. (eye contacts?, eyes' contacts means different thing)
With scars like insignias across their faces, they craned backwards and forwards
with feathers ruffling up, and necks stretched in wrath,
although no enemies were in sight. Between times （In between times or Betweentimes) innocent children
ascended these mountains, and sat beside vultures and jackals, watching
the wonderfully-shaped flamboyant clouds. Sometimes they fell asleep. But these savage ones
never hurt these fragile creatures——an enigmatical species.
When autumn cooled the core of the earth, and the landscape tousled with amber-colored maple，
They （they?) stood still like gravestones, moved by ephemerality and permanence within their hearts.
The tombs they carried on them, were in the breezes, in the waters and in the seasons
conflagrating with fallen leaves. Their flight continues after death, at an altitude where cold fronts moved by
and looked down at lives encircled by villages, irrigated with cliché and at the loess
where domestic geese and cats were buried. |
没看中文，大致看了一下英文，词汇量很丰富，很好。
有些地方，语法还是怪怪的，这时再看中文版，意思相去哦。
例最后结尾句，逗点，主词，主词的动词，所想表达的很好，但和原意不同了。我是先提出几个一般的问题. 其它的，例，with cliché? azure？（即物动词否？）等的用法，选字等，还得再查查。之后再信雅达。
浅见。
|
| yinxiaoyuan ?2007-12-05 16:50:58?? Re: （原创、向《北美枫》纸刊投稿）《刀疤一代》（中、英、德、日） | |
| 博弈 wrote: |
有些地方，语法还是怪怪的，这时再看中文版，意思相去哦。
例最后结尾句，逗点，主词，主词的动词，所想表达的很好，但和原意不同了。我是先提出几个一般的问题. 其它的，例，with cliché? azure？（即物动词否？）等的用法，选字等，还得再查查。之后再信雅达。
|
承蒙博弈诗兄提出宝贵建议。
想要说明的是，虽然纯粹翻译讲求“信达雅”，但由于是原创作品，所以我用各种语言同时写作的时候，虽然原则上尽量做到表达方式和意境大致相同，但由于各种语言文化背景相去甚远，所以创作各语种的版本时，会考虑诸如如何用这种语言中脍炙人口的典故，这种语言中容易出彩的词汇，在假设只有这种语言版本存在的情况下去追求臻于完美等问题——诚然路还很长，初出茅庐而已。还非常需要各路高手的点化。
至于语法，非常欢迎博弈诗兄指出有争议的地方，以便及时学习提高。
|
| 白水 ?2007-12-06 04:17:53?? | |
真高兴北美枫有这许多有才学的朋友. 旁听一下 
|
| 博弈 ?2007-12-06 08:27:11?? Re: （原创、向《北美枫》纸刊投稿）《刀疤一代》（中、英、德、日） | |
| yinxiaoyuan wrote: |
| 博弈 wrote: |
有些地方，语法还是怪怪的，这时再看中文版，意思相去哦。
例最后结尾句，逗点，主词，主词的动词，所想表达的很好，但和原意不同了。我是先提出几个一般的问题. 其它的，例，with cliché? azure？（即物动词否？）等的用法，选字等，还得再查查。之后再信雅达。
|
承蒙博弈诗兄提出宝贵建议。
想要说明的是，虽然纯粹翻译讲求“信达雅”，但由于是原创作品，所以我用各种语言同时写作的时候，虽然原则上尽量做到表达方式和意境大致相同，但由于各种语言文化背景相去甚远，所以创作各语种的版本时，会考虑诸如如何用这种语言中脍炙人口的典故，这种语言中容易出彩的词汇，在假设只有这种语言版本存在的情况下去追求臻于完美等问题——诚然路还很长，初出茅庐而已。还非常需要各路高手的点化。
至于语法，非常欢迎博弈诗兄指出有争议的地方，以便及时学习提高。 |
I agree with your view, and I also like it that way in terms of poetry. This is a nice one, but I don't have much time these days, so I pick on the first two sentences, for the matter of discussion only (I could be worng). I would not modify your choice of words, but discussing usage in your original context. So without looking at the Chinese version, here it goes;
This is but a species scatters over the shelters. /* E.g., Immigrants Will Scatter Over the Land Instead of Congregating, as Now, at the Centres. [The New York Times]
Or what you meant could be "This is but a species that scattered over the shelters." It would not be nice if you meant a species was scattered over the shelters, right? */
The wild starry sky, crimpled and then smoothed out by silky luster, only several inches above their heads, appeared to be a divine matrix visible to nobody but them. (nobody 兄也来看看，只有你看得到啊 ）
/* crimpled is good, I think, crimp-le, -le to a verb implies repetitiveness in original verb semantics; “The wild starry sky” is the subject, its verb is missing, so I suppose like is to mean “appear to be” and "with silky luster" should be by silky luster? "their head?", two heads are better than one, heads up, the singular 'head' after 'their' may imply common mind or psyche*/
To make tenses consistent in the paragraph, maybe "This is a species..." should be "This was a species..."
|
| 博弈 ?2007-12-06 11:07:06?? | |
看了会儿你在“守望的岁月 – 全球诗友大接龙”的诗
写得很好啊，多才多艺。
|
| nobody ?2007-12-06 16:52:29?? Re: （原创、向《北美枫》纸刊投稿）《刀疤一代》（中、英、德、日） | |
| 博弈 wrote: |
(nobody 兄也来看看，只有你看得到啊
|
well, i almost never came to this forum. chinese, java, c++, perl, php ... are my 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th ... languages. english is in the far end of the list. It seemed that you made a mysterious call ...
well, not only me, i believe everyone can see that 晓媛 is an amazingly talented individual. I also read her 接龙诗, all good. Her works are full of inspiring images yet with depth, hard to believe they're from a young lady (sorry, i googled  ).
anyway, welcomed to post your chinese poetry in the modern poetry forum, there's a larger crowd over there
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