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Maplereview Collections
mahuairong
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???Qingdao China
?????39?
?????19 Jul 2008
???teacher ???writing and boxing
????? Find all posts by mahuairong ???You see me, you lose me |
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| 西方文学 Western Literature |
 
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 The Torch Relay
How will the torch go?
I think I won’t know.
Pavements are paved twice.
Rehearsals are performed thrice.
A hundred times the orders come and go.
How does the torch pass?
I think I can’t guess.
From early morning I awake,
Sky turns cloudy from rainy
Every crossing is watched by police.
How is the torch going?
I am waved aside by whooping and shouting.
I hear China singing.
Walt Whitman, I recall, the great poet
I hear America singing.
Beat! Beat! Drums!
Blow! Bugles! Blow!
How did the torches rush and dash?
The students’ voices were coarse and hoarse.
First they were said to leave the city in advance
Then were ordered to stay put in campus
to welcome the torch to pass.
To shout with passion
to jump with youth.
How did you at last see the torch?
Indeed, at the very moment
I dropped my eyes
and read on the library steps.
Troubled by aching and vomiting,
a pustule on my palate broken
A mouthful of red blood I spat.
2008-07-21 19:09:04 |
| mahuairong ?2008-07-21 20:46:23?? |  |
i am open to criticism and opinions from dear friends. thanks
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| hepingdao ?2008-07-22 05:27:30?? | |
the relay itself is just a demonstration or perfomance
under certain expectation
so take it easy
thanks for sharing
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| Lake ?2008-07-23 17:59:45?? | |
Hello,
Came back and read it again. The subject is good and you have your own way to express yourself.
A few observations:
Liked some sonics e.g.
Pavements are paved twice. - use a comma after twice?
Rehearsals are performed thrice.
S3 is very energetic. Re punctuation:
Walt Whitman, I recall, the great poet add a period.
I hear America singing. change period to dash (-)
Sky turns cloudy from rainy need a period.
How did the torches rush and dash?
Why is ‘torch’ in plural form now?
First they were said to leave the city in advance
Do you mean ‘were told’?
Then were ordered to stay put in campus
'in campus' or 'on campus'?
a pustule on my palate broken
broke?
The ending sounds diverted from the previous stanzas, maybe that's how you wanted it to be. It caries a sense of sarcasm.
Just a thought. Take it or toss it as you like.
Cheers,
Lake
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| mahuairong ?2008-07-28 06:21:35?? | |
Dear Lake, thank you so much for your careful instructions. i fully accpet what you suggest. As a beginner, i need more of your help.
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