| 西方文学 Western Literature |
 
|
 4th of July
Revised
4th of July
Hearing fireworks in the sky
Seeing flags flapping in the air
Smelling barbecue from my neighbors
I labor
In my deserted backyard
Original
July 4th
Hearing the fireworks in the sky
Seeing the flags flapping in the air
Smelling the barbecue from my neighbor
I labor instead
In my deserted backyard
2008-07-06 14:47:10 |
| 非马 ?2008-07-10 13:01:01?? |  |
Hi, Lake. Sounds like you were having a "fun" time. 
Two minor suggestions:
1. Change the title to " 4th of July" or "July 4, 2008"
2. the word "instead" doesn't seem necessary
|
| William Zhou周道模 ?2008-07-10 13:03:57?? | |
morning of July 11th ___ to Lake
hearing the songs of birds in the trees
seeing the dawn outside my window
feeling the heat around me in the room
I labor still
in my deserted life
|
| Lake ?2008-07-10 18:59:07?? | |
谢谢非马先生对这首随意的小诗指点。
标题就改为 4th of July 好了。 这种表达一下让人想到美国的独立节， 而 July 4th, 只像是一个一般的日子。 当时也没细想，经非马先生指出，才看出问题。
把instead也去掉看看是什么味道。
Yes, good exercise to work outside.
Thanks again.
Lake
|
| Lake ?2008-07-10 19:16:30?? | |
Thanks William.
Two minor suggestions:
1. change 'Lack ' to 'Lake' 
2. change 'hot' to 'heat' in 'feeling the hot around me in the room '. Unless you really meant 'Strong sexual attraction or desire', then keep it. 
|
| 非马 ?2008-07-10 19:23:14?? | |
One more thing, use "neighbors" instead of "neighbor" in line 3 might strengthen the sense of loneliness or isolation even more. I think.
|
| Lake ?2008-07-10 19:38:12?? | |
| 非马 wrote: |
| One more thing, use "neighbors" instead of "neighbor" in line 3 can strengthen the sense of loneliness even more. I think. |
Good point.
Am I lonely? Yes? No? But I'm happy when I'm alone.
As my friend said:"Your joyful imagery of the first 3 lines is abruptly reversed by the next 2 lonely lines. Wow... The emotion is palpable. "
hum, you all spotted it out.
|
| hepingdao ?2008-07-10 20:30:14?? | |
flapping:可以不要
I labor instead
In my backyard
deserted：也可以不要？
with a crow
crying in the deserted waste land
with rockets
shooting from nowhere
with Elliot
grumbling from the heaven
|
| William Zhou周道模 ?2008-07-11 04:57:33?? | |
今早上读到“湖泊”的诗觉得有趣，摹仿你的句式写实自己的现状，匆忙之中lake 打成 lack了，湖泊不缺水啊。
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| Lake ?2008-07-11 10:14:11?? | |
| hepingdao wrote: |
flapping:可以不要
... |
不要就听不到旗迎风飘扬的声音了。
| hepingdao wrote: |
| deserted：也可以不要？ |
得要。以免其他人产生错觉，以为后院是个鸟语花香的大花园呢。
| Quote: |
| crying in the deserted waste land |
这里可以不要. 因为有了 waste.
| hepingdao wrote: |
with a crow
crying in the deserted waste land
with rockets
shooting from nowhere
with Elliot
grumbling from the heaven |
And?...
|
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