| 现代诗歌 |
| 宾至如归 |
| 古韵新音 |
| 联赛专刊编辑小组 |
| 西方文学 Western Literature |
 
|
<Fire Bird>
摄影: 和平岛
<Fire Bird>
Aimed to catch the sun
You soar to the sky
When blood-red poppies
run over the sea
the charm, the fascination
the uncontrollable excitement
and the wishful thinking
all cover the blue
with dazzling gold
you dive into the furnace
like a moth rushing to the light,
oh, No! you rush to the fire sea
when the sun rises
you meet it without hesitation
and your small body becomes instantly a black cloud
<火鸟>
你把羽翼指向苍天
去捕捉太阳
那些鲜红的, 血一样的罌粟花
漫开海面
那魔力, 那诱惑
那不可遏制的兴奋
那兴奋之极的痴狂把深深的蓝
笼罩着令人眩晕的金色
你朝这炙热俯冲
像只扑灯, 不! 像只扑向火海的飞蛾
当太阳升起的时候
毫不迟疑的
迎向它
把自己弱小的身躯, 转瞬为
一朵浓云
2006-11-08 17:04:11 |
| 和平岛 ?2006-11-08 17:26:09?? Re: <Fire Bird> |  |
| 月光 wrote: |
You soar to the sky
want to catch the sun
|
就看这一句：
一个句子，要有主谓宾
如何用英语的习惯，表达好呢？
|
| 白水 ?2006-11-08 18:11:13?? | |
谢谢你, PEACE. 这里我刚开始用了句很规范的句子,后老外说力度不够. 就改成这样了. 按理说, SOAR 是VI不及物动词, 不要宾语似没错, 你看呢?或者加上标点符号,LIKE THIS: YOU SOAR TO THE SKY, WANT TO CATCH THE SUN. 写诗写懒了, 分行就忘加标点.
|
| 和平岛 ?2006-11-08 18:48:18?? | |
something like this?
Aimed to catch the sun
You soar to the sky
|
| 白水 ?2006-11-08 20:12:27?? | |
| 和平岛 wrote: |
something like this?
Aimed to catch the sun
You soar to the sky |
OH, YEA. MAYBE THIS IS STRONGER THAN MY POEM. THANkS
DO YOU FIND ANOTHER MISTAKEN?
|
| 非马 ?2006-11-15 05:53:55?? 几点小建议 | |
月光好！几点小建议：
1. When blood-red poppies
2.
the charm, the fascination
the uncontrollable excitement
and the wishful thinking
all cover the blue
with dazzling gold
3.
you dive into the furnace
like a moth rushing to the light,
4.
you unhesitatingly meet it
and your small body becomes a black cloud instantly
这两句虽没错，但两个“-ly" 连在一起读起来总觉得不那么顺畅。也许改成：
you meet it without hesitation
and your small body becomes instantly a black cloud
|
| 白水 ?2006-11-16 20:32:16?? | |
非马老师, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR EDIT, I THINK THE POME IS MUCH BETTER THAN BEFORE.
|
| 非马 ?2006-11-16 21:43:09?? | |
You are welcome.
|
| 白水 ?2006-11-17 08:33:01?? | |
非马老师， 非常感谢您的鼓励和帮助
|
| kokho ?2006-12-04 14:33:28?? | |
.
<Fire Bird>
. An example of poetic re-construction by kokho
Leading
at the edge of wingtips
a blood-red poppy ...
lacing the sea
with charm and fascination
defying the reach and depth of blue
yet manifesting sprinkles of
... ungrapple-able gold!
When the poppy awakens
... a sun-fired ocean
boils not a moth
. but the will of all the flappable feathers
Only the buoyant reminiscence
. of a black cloud remains!
.
.[As you can see you are not constrained by language... ]
火鸟
诗歌重建ｋｏｋｈｏ
在翼尖引导着
。 是朵大红罌粟花
以想象的魅媚把大海深沉的坎蓝
酿成了
。 不能自我的一片烁金！
当罌粟苏醒的时刻
。 太阳正烤煮着海洋
不止于飞蛾。。。
。 而是所有羽毛飞翔的意志
只剩下在回思里浮沉的
。 一片乌云！
。
|
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