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Ominous Signs
Lake
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注册时间: 2007-01-09
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Lake北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2007-06-26 09:50:09    发表主题: Ominous Signs 引用并回复

Ominous Signs

Dusk, birds in haste fly home.
Then darkness creeps in. Strange,
cats climb up trees; dogs
bark far and near; fish
jump out of bubbling water.
A night like this is rare.

Before dawn, earth starts to quake
and crack as if a train clangs and clanks
along, while doors and windows
squeak and squawk, walls and roofs
moan and groan, collapsing in dust.
In a blink the city in ruins.

Stillness. Moon and stars hide
behind black clouds. A girl
unaware of how she crawled
out of rubble, shivers. A cry for help
from underneath. Not long the voice fades.
If uncertain before, now she knows.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
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kokho
进士出身


注册时间: 2006-11-30
帖子: 2642
来自: Singapore
kokho北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2007-06-28 03:39:19    发表主题: 引用并回复

Ominous Signs

Dusk, birds fly home in haste.
Then darkness creeps in. Strangely,
cats rush up trees; dogs
bark all over; fishes
jump out of bubbling water.
...A night like this is rare.

Before dawn, earth starts to quake
and crack as if a train clangs and clanks
along, while doors and windows
squeak and squawk, walls and roofs
moan and groan, collapsing in dust.
In a blink the city in ruins.

Stillness. Moon and stars hide
behind black clouds. A girl
unaware of how she crawled
out of rubble, shivers. A cry for help
from underneath. A while and the voice fades.
If uncertain before, now she knows.
_________________

<> A few suggestions even out our common Chinese traits... Wink)


Cool Cool
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Lake
举人


注册时间: 2007-01-09
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Lake北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2007-06-28 17:37:34    发表主题: 引用并回复

Welcome back and thanks for your read and critique.

kokho 写到:

<> A few suggestions even out our common Chinese traits... Wink)

Cool Cool


Sorry, I didn't get it, Confused

but will mull over your suggestions.

引用:
A while and the voice fades.


How about "Soon, the voice fades"?

I'm afraid I have some reservations on other parts.

.
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
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kokho
进士出身


注册时间: 2006-11-30
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来自: Singapore
kokho北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2007-06-29 10:39:54    发表主题: 引用并回复

"Soon, the voice fades"

This is better...

Cool
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Lake
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Lake北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2007-06-29 11:23:08    发表主题: 引用并回复

引用:
Dusk, birds fly home in haste.
Then darkness creeps in. Strangely,
cats rush up trees; dogs
bark all over; fishes
jump out of bubbling water.
...A night like this is rare.



1) birds in haste /fly home
birds fly home /in haste

I didn't see much difference in meaning between these two. Did you?
When read, the first version has two accents in each foot(2/2), the second has three and one (3/1) respectively.

2) Strange, cats...
Strangely, cats...

"Strange" is used here to describe the scene, not the action. Put it the other way: It is strange that cats...dogs...fish..
Does it make sense?

3) fish jump
fishes jump

"fish" can be used as both singular and plural(fishes). Since "cats", "dogs" all are one syllable words, I thought "fish" is a better word choice to match them.

These are my thought after studing your suggestions, I may not have thought about it in such a detail.
Please bring more. Thanks much!
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
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kokho
进士出身


注册时间: 2006-11-30
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来自: Singapore
kokho北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2007-07-01 22:17:35    发表主题: 引用并回复

birds in haste /fly home 《》 慌张的鸟 (无奈的)回家了。

The birds are in state of haste, and may have a few options...

fly away..
land on ground
land on roof
land on electrical wire

But they chosen to fly home (which is assume to be far away)

《》=============================《》

birds fly home in haste 《》 鸟 慌张的赶回家。

The Birds are single-minded about getting home

They are getting home not leisurely;
but in haste...

<<<>>> In story telling or shooting movie there are lots of difference
. on this two sentences.
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kokho
进士出身


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kokho北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2007-07-01 22:18:46    发表主题: 引用并回复

Put it the other way: It is strange that cats...dogs...fish..
Does it make sense?


It is strange that cats dogs and fish are not eating at all today Wink)

..
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Lake
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Lake北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2007-07-02 18:45:37    发表主题: 引用并回复

谢谢Kokho花时间详细阐述。

in haste, 当时描述的是鸟急急忙忙地飞回家。
没想到放前放后还有这么些区别。

谢谢你的suggestions, 你提出的这些问题,着实让我仔细地琢磨了一阵。

以后继续仔细读认真评啊。
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
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kokho
进士出身


注册时间: 2006-11-30
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来自: Singapore
kokho北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2007-07-03 23:23:32    发表主题: 引用并回复

跟你谈诗 我好像功力精进。。。

你做学问认真,我也受影响 !!!

好事 。

Cool Laughing Laughing


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William Zhou周道模
探花


注册时间: 2007-06-10
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来自: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2007-08-15 16:18:08    发表主题: 引用并回复

友好,专业,深入。我受益了也致谢了!
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