Lake 举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09 帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
发表于: 2007-06-26 09:50:09 发表主题: Ominous Signs |
|
|
Ominous Signs
Dusk, birds in haste fly home.
Then darkness creeps in. Strange,
cats climb up trees; dogs
bark far and near; fish
jump out of bubbling water.
A night like this is rare.
Before dawn, earth starts to quake
and crack as if a train clangs and clanks
along, while doors and windows
squeak and squawk, walls and roofs
moan and groan, collapsing in dust.
In a blink the city in ruins.
Stillness. Moon and stars hide
behind black clouds. A girl
unaware of how she crawled
out of rubble, shivers. A cry for help
from underneath. Not long the voice fades.
If uncertain before, now she knows. _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
|
返页首 |
|
|
|
|
kokho 进士出身
注册时间: 2006-11-30 帖子: 2642 来自: Singapore kokho北美枫文集 |
发表于: 2007-06-28 03:39:19 发表主题: |
|
|
Ominous Signs
Dusk, birds fly home in haste.
Then darkness creeps in. Strangely,
cats rush up trees; dogs
bark all over; fishes
jump out of bubbling water.
...A night like this is rare.
Before dawn, earth starts to quake
and crack as if a train clangs and clanks
along, while doors and windows
squeak and squawk, walls and roofs
moan and groan, collapsing in dust.
In a blink the city in ruins.
Stillness. Moon and stars hide
behind black clouds. A girl
unaware of how she crawled
out of rubble, shivers. A cry for help
from underneath. A while and the voice fades.
If uncertain before, now she knows.
_________________
<> A few suggestions even out our common Chinese traits... )
_________________ 乒乓、摄影、诗歌 |
|
返页首 |
|
|
|
|
Lake 举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09 帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
发表于: 2007-06-28 17:37:34 发表主题: |
|
|
Welcome back and thanks for your read and critique.
kokho 写到: |
<> A few suggestions even out our common Chinese traits... )
|
Sorry, I didn't get it,
but will mull over your suggestions.
引用: |
A while and the voice fades. |
How about "Soon, the voice fades"?
I'm afraid I have some reservations on other parts.
. _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
|
返页首 |
|
|
|
|
kokho 进士出身
注册时间: 2006-11-30 帖子: 2642 来自: Singapore kokho北美枫文集 |
发表于: 2007-06-29 10:39:54 发表主题: |
|
|
"Soon, the voice fades"
This is better...
_________________ 乒乓、摄影、诗歌 |
|
返页首 |
|
|
|
|
Lake 举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09 帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
发表于: 2007-06-29 11:23:08 发表主题: |
|
|
引用: |
Dusk, birds fly home in haste.
Then darkness creeps in. Strangely,
cats rush up trees; dogs
bark all over; fishes
jump out of bubbling water.
...A night like this is rare. |
1) birds in haste /fly home
birds fly home /in haste
I didn't see much difference in meaning between these two. Did you?
When read, the first version has two accents in each foot(2/2), the second has three and one (3/1) respectively.
2) Strange, cats...
Strangely, cats...
"Strange" is used here to describe the scene, not the action. Put it the other way: It is strange that cats...dogs...fish..
Does it make sense?
3) fish jump
fishes jump
"fish" can be used as both singular and plural(fishes). Since "cats", "dogs" all are one syllable words, I thought "fish" is a better word choice to match them.
These are my thought after studing your suggestions, I may not have thought about it in such a detail.
Please bring more. Thanks much! _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
|
返页首 |
|
|
|
|
kokho 进士出身
注册时间: 2006-11-30 帖子: 2642 来自: Singapore kokho北美枫文集 |
发表于: 2007-07-01 22:17:35 发表主题: |
|
|
birds in haste /fly home 《》 慌张的鸟 (无奈的)回家了。
The birds are in state of haste, and may have a few options...
fly away..
land on ground
land on roof
land on electrical wire
But they chosen to fly home (which is assume to be far away)
《》=============================《》
birds fly home in haste 《》 鸟 慌张的赶回家。
The Birds are single-minded about getting home
They are getting home not leisurely;
but in haste...
<<<>>> In story telling or shooting movie there are lots of difference
. on this two sentences. _________________ 乒乓、摄影、诗歌 |
|
返页首 |
|
|
|
|
kokho 进士出身
注册时间: 2006-11-30 帖子: 2642 来自: Singapore kokho北美枫文集 |
发表于: 2007-07-01 22:18:46 发表主题: |
|
|
Put it the other way: It is strange that cats...dogs...fish..
Does it make sense?
It is strange that cats dogs and fish are not eating at all today )
.. _________________ 乒乓、摄影、诗歌 |
|
返页首 |
|
|
|
|
Lake 举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09 帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
发表于: 2007-07-02 18:45:37 发表主题: |
|
|
谢谢Kokho花时间详细阐述。
in haste, 当时描述的是鸟急急忙忙地飞回家。
没想到放前放后还有这么些区别。
谢谢你的suggestions, 你提出的这些问题,着实让我仔细地琢磨了一阵。
以后继续仔细读认真评啊。 _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
|
返页首 |
|
|
|
|
kokho 进士出身
注册时间: 2006-11-30 帖子: 2642 来自: Singapore kokho北美枫文集 |
发表于: 2007-07-03 23:23:32 发表主题: |
|
|
跟你谈诗 我好像功力精进。。。
你做学问认真,我也受影响 !!!
好事 。
。 _________________ 乒乓、摄影、诗歌 |
|
返页首 |
|
|
|
|
William Zhou周道模 探花
注册时间: 2007-06-10 帖子: 3950 来自: 中国四川广汉 William Zhou周道模北美枫文集 |
发表于: 2007-08-15 16:18:08 发表主题: |
|
|
友好,专业,深入。我受益了也致谢了! _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
|
返页首 |
|
|
|
|
|