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北美枫 首页 -> English Poetry 发表新帖   回复帖子
I met you in the sky
博弈
榜眼


注册时间: 2006-12-21
帖子: 4381
来自: SFO
博弈北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2007-06-29 07:48:03    发表主题: I met you in the sky 引用并回复

I met you in the sky


.

Said, you were bored with life
Wanted to dump out its sediment
The silhouette of this past tense
Says, I wanted to travel, if only
Got a ticket to could-have-beens
I would have bagged nothing

..


She picked a morning to draw the sky
Limited it to black and white
Clouds were white, the sun was …
The air had a plan

A pencil—not sure 2B lead or not 2B— dropped from the sky
Varying shades it brought along
”Every brush I lay on you” bid she
”You in the shade return to the tail of my core
Imprint my canvas with thumbs of souls”

Unfinished is a sketch of
the moss of remorse

She pondered.





Looking into the far far-away
A space limitless
A place with no ghosts
But, I dreamt

In a shuttle of no ghosts
Words, floating in space
In weightless-ness
In feelings

Civilizations
Revolutions
Mi Ultimo Adios
Left on earth with ghosts

Looking into the emptiness
Hellos in such a Hell-So distance
Yet, I think for where I go
A place with no ghosts


....


She
was
transcended

There I was, observing finds
Catching her, the angle's first deer smile
The coffee spill and her scent, smelt
The sketch neither black, nor white
Reflected in the window my beard and
“ if you mind switching to the other side?”


.....


I read your face, prying into the colors hidden behind.
Did I mention your pupils the goddess gate I find
The halos to the canvas of heart inside

Little did I realize
I’d just met you in the sky
_________________
(在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美)
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Lake
举人


注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286

Lake北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2007-06-29 10:46:59    发表主题: 引用并回复

又读博弈新鲜出笼大作。

1 题目“I met you in the sky ” 已然吸眼球。
一些诗动不动就是“无题”,殊不知诗歌这么短小的文学体裁,题目不加以利用,纯属浪费。 个见。
“I met you in the sky ”, 令人遐思,遇上空姐了?空中仙遇?。。。

2 stanza 之间用了 dot ,给人以想象的空间,因为初看还以为是 省略号,细看才知道是用来分段的。

3 you, I, she 我读起来有些混乱,不过近来读诗也学乖了 ,我可以是我,也可以是你,也可以是他,随读者去想吧。不过读书那阵,让老师修理过,还专门送我一本关于正确使用 persona的语法书。我想现在应该是过时了。

4 “You in the shade return to the tail of my core "
I am not familiar with "the tail of my core".

5 "Catching her, the angle's first deer smile "
I wonder what "a deer smile" would be.


A romantic write.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
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kokho
进士出身


注册时间: 2006-11-30
帖子: 2642
来自: Singapore
kokho北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2007-06-29 10:51:07    发表主题: 引用并回复

This is one of your more conventional work.

But I like it very much!!!

It is very English in it expression.

Cool Laughing Laughing

.
I agreed with Lake, Mark is in Romantic mood Wink)
_________________
乒乓、摄影、诗歌
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博弈
榜眼


注册时间: 2006-12-21
帖子: 4381
来自: SFO
博弈北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2007-07-01 08:49:34    发表主题: 引用并回复

Lake 写到:
又读博弈新鲜出笼大作。

1 题目“I met you in the sky ” 已然吸眼球。
一些诗动不动就是“无题”,殊不知诗歌这么短小的文学体裁,题目不加以利用,纯属浪费。 个见。
“I met you in the sky ”, 令人遐思,遇上空姐了?空中仙遇?。。。

2 stanza 之间用了 dot ,给人以想象的空间,因为初看还以为是 省略号,细看才知道是用来分段的。

3 you, I, she 我读起来有些混乱,不过近来读诗也学乖了 ,我可以是我,也可以是你,也可以是他,随读者去想吧。不过读书那阵,让老师修理过,还专门送我一本关于正确使用 persona的语法书。我想现在应该是过时了。

4 “You in the shade return to the tail of my core "
I am not familiar with "the tail of my core".

5 "Catching her, the angle's first deer smile "
I wonder what "a deer smile" would be.


A romantic write.


这首是有点在玩时态与人称,湖 慧眼。
tail of my core... can't explain easily, depending what core is here...all the definitions in dictionary could apply while borrowing the pencil analogy.
_________________
(在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美)
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