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梅(原创)
寒溪幽兰
童生


Joined: 03 Jun 2006
Posts: 13

寒溪幽兰Collection
PostPosted: 2006-06-03 04:48:22    Post subject: 梅(原创) Reply with quote



作者:余凤兰

打开雪花的洁白
你衣袂飘飘
绽放一朵心事半阕暗香
浮动春天的张望
谁执玉笛
扰了清寂的意境

淡红或浅白
柔软了瓣瓣晶莹
七分傲骨三分澄清
循着落花的浅痕
谛听旧时月色
清冷今夜的蘩星

不屈的身姿蓬勃在寒冬
冰天雪地敞开心怀
在自己的时令
铮铮气节与凛然
化着枝头笑靥
迎接千年不变的风景

梅 摇曳雪的秘密
春天从寒冷中溢出
旧年新约 执杯声中
幽香隐隐 朵朵是情
雪为流水 梅为落花
来年醉卧你的疏影

436000 湖北省鄂州市石山中学 余凤兰
ezyulan@163.com
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雪泥
秀才


Joined: 26 May 2006
Posts: 255
Location: 西欧
雪泥Collection
PostPosted: 2006-06-03 05:05:58    Post subject: Reply with quote

喜欢,就最后一行‘清冷’冷了点
_________________
《梅园文学》总编
欢迎各种体裁的投稿
雪泥博客:
http://xueniwriting.blog.sohu.com/
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雪泥
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Joined: 26 May 2006
Posts: 255
Location: 西欧
雪泥Collection
PostPosted: 2006-06-03 05:07:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

还有两个版本,得重读
_________________
《梅园文学》总编
欢迎各种体裁的投稿
雪泥博客:
http://xueniwriting.blog.sohu.com/
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雪泥
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Joined: 26 May 2006
Posts: 255
Location: 西欧
雪泥Collection
PostPosted: 2006-06-03 05:10:44    Post subject: Reply with quote

有些句子很好,紧缩为15行以内短诗,再尝试一下?如果好,我们可考虑采用。
_________________
《梅园文学》总编
欢迎各种体裁的投稿
雪泥博客:
http://xueniwriting.blog.sohu.com/
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尹士林
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Joined: 26 May 2006
Posts: 416
Location: 河北保定易县中学
尹士林Collection
PostPosted: 2006-06-03 16:42:24    Post subject: Reply with quote

雪泥说的不错,诗意已经出来了,再精练一下语言,可为佳作。
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忧郁过、犹豫过,从未放弃过!!!!!
河北易县中学 尹士林
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寒溪幽兰
童生


Joined: 03 Jun 2006
Posts: 13

寒溪幽兰Collection
PostPosted: 2006-06-04 08:57:26    Post subject: 感谢 我试试 Reply with quote

雪泥 wrote:
有些句子很好,紧缩为15行以内短诗,再尝试一下?如果好,我们可考虑采用。
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