justjust123
童生
注册时间: 2009-11-01
帖子: 22
justjust123北美枫文集 |
 发表于: 2010-06-03 21:15:37 发表主题: 鹰熊恋 （rondeau） |
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beside the rock in salty air
retreats a tired and sleepy bear
high waves now start to pound his toes
long willow leaves then poke his nose
and flounders jump out everywhere
why does the bear with hoary hair
relax in here, not in his lair?
why does this weary bear not doze
beside the rock?
a birdcall sends a smile so rare
across his face not really fair
his dangling tongue now quickly grows
from which profusely fluid flows
where does he drool for an affair?
beside the rock
rondeau： thirteen lines of eight syllables （iambic tetrameter here),
two refrains (half lines and four syllables each),
three stanzas with rhyme scheme: (1) A A B B A (2) A A B with refrain: C (3) A A B B A with concluding refrain C and
the refrain must be identical with the beginning of the first line
overall, it seems to be more complex than a sonnet in terms of structure. |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2010-06-05 07:30:50 发表主题: |
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Well handled form poem.
It sounds a bit nursery rhyme to this reader.
The refrains are not quite effective as they should take on new meaning or suggest an epiphany or express a punch line.
I've never tried it. And, oh my goodness, I'm just being picky. On the whole, a fine rondeau.
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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justjust123
童生
注册时间: 2009-11-01
帖子: 22
justjust123北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2010-06-05 10:30:45 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: |
It sounds a bit nursery rhyme to this reader.
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Thanks! Agree. I still have not been able to reached another level in english learning.
| Lake 写到: |
The refrains are not quite effective as they should take on new meaning or suggest an epiphany or express a punch line.
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I recently learned the word rondeau (subsequently its form) from another word (rondo). Then I checked wiki.
The refrains, according to wiki, should appear in three places including the beginning of the poem: see In Flanders Fields, by John McCrae in
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rondeau_(poetry)
Earlier, I used 'beside that rock', which should be the title of the poem instead of 'beside the rock' as the refrain.
True, this bear-bird love poem is still 有形无神.
Part of the difficulty of writing a rondeau is indeed getting a good refrain. |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2010-06-08 14:46:41 发表主题: Don't |
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Don't let my words put you down, just. All I said is just one person's view and I'm sure others will disagree with me.
Cheers
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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