宁家珍
秀才
注册时间: 2009-05-20
帖子: 470
来自: 中国黄山
宁家珍北美枫文集 |
 发表于: 2009-06-07 18:25:11 发表主题: [汉诗英译]登鹳雀楼 |
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[中译英]Climbing The Stork Tower
Wang Zhihuan
The sunset dips behind the hills，
The Yellow River converges into the sea.
If you want to get a best views out there，
You would better climb one more flight of stairs.
宁家珍译
登鹳雀楼
王之涣
白日依山尽， 黄河入海流。
欲穷千里目， 更上一层楼。 |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2009-06-08 05:57:02 发表主题: |
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| 宁家珍 写到: |
Climbing The Stork Tower
Wang Zhihuan
The sunset dips behind the mountains，
The Yellow River converges into the sea.
If You want to get a better view of things out there，
You'd better get one more flight of stair.
宁家珍译
登鹳雀楼
王之涣
白日依山尽， 黄河入海流。
欲穷千里目， 更上一层楼。 |
Welcome and thanks for sharing.
There are tons of different translated versions of this poem by Chinese and Western poets on the internet.
My first impression of this translation is it flows and is easy to understand, the words are simple and carefully chosen. I particularly like the word "dips" in L1.
I do have a few thoughts:
Why "You" is capped in L3?
"get" is used twice in L3 and L4, and I don't see there's a need to repeat this word in this short poem.
The last two lines sound a bit conversational, would it be better to rephrase L3 as "For a ... view ..." ? Again I see "better" used in both L3 and L4. Now I am not sure if these repeated words are used intentionally.
Sorry, I don't have Chinese input on this machine. And the above is just a personal POV.
Thanks again for sharing. And you're welcome to read and comment on others' works as well.
Regards,
Lake
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2009-06-08 16:12:19 发表主题: |
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对不起，一下说得太多，把人弄糊涂了。
上贴中我说为什么第三行中的 "You" 是大写。现在把 “you"去掉了，反倒不顺了。
最后一行 “get one more ", 觉得用 "climb one more"好些。
我这都是第一印象，没做太多的研究，所以读我的反馈一定要“慎重”。 
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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