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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

当我已经不在

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nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2007-01-12 20:54:46 Post subject: 当我已经不在

当我已经不在 90,2,1 当我已经不在—— 不在这里也不在远方温荻，你可还会把我想念你可还会骄傲地重复—— 他是我的，谁也休想拿走你可还会在月光下为我祈祷把上帝跟我的名字一起呼唤那时，你是否会觉得我所有的乖戾都不值一提而所有被背叛了的信誓—— 也那样温暖，那样令人激动不安那时，你将会被揉进—— 另一个男人，象一块酵母当你早晨起来整理着皱皱的床单当你为他准备晚餐，把油倒进锅里当你在一个金桂飘香的月份里怀孕每一阵胎动都让你忧喜不定当你绊倒在生活的每一个细节里—— 想起我吧！要末感到温暖，要末感到寒冷当更年期到来，你象被收割过的田野—— 那末沮丧，当你开始发胖，皮肤松驰支撑你的不再是憧憬，而是回忆—— 想起我吧！想起我，在一组温柔的慢动作里温荻，你将信将疑地看着我把挡住眼睛的一缕头发塞进发夹，颤声着问—— 那时侯，你在哪里？好吧，温荻我来回答你：我既不在这里—— 又不在远方 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

和平岛
举人

Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection

Posted: 2007-01-12 21:09:54 Post subject:

好温馨的诗歌读着,觉得有一股温热涌上心头! 建议加精 _________________ 写诗是为了写更好的诗

和平岛
举人

Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection

Posted: 2007-01-12 21:10:28 Post subject:

写得如此自如, 羡慕呀 _________________ 写诗是为了写更好的诗

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2007-01-12 21:27:11 Post subject:

谢谢，知道您晚饭吃的什末了，糖包。加精就免了吧。都是少年时代的习作，从来都没满意过。一首都挑不出来，惭愧啊。把地方留给真正的好诗吧。很多都没有得到应有的关注。。。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

和平岛
举人

Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection

Posted: 2007-01-12 21:29:33 Post subject:

你这首诗歌打心眼里喜欢不加心里就痒痒 _________________ 写诗是为了写更好的诗

司马策风
举人

Joined: 03 Dec 2006
Posts: 1211
Location: 温哥华
司马策风Collection

Posted: 2007-01-13 19:24:50 Post subject:

同意，好作品，加精。 _________________ 《北美枫》司马策风文集 http://www.maplereview.org/best.php?t=8676

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2007-01-13 19:36:55 Post subject:

谢谢岛主和策风兄，在下感激并惭愧中。。。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-01-13 21:24:38 Post subject:

又是一个东风恶.... 好在NOBODY

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-01-17 09:25:48 Post subject:

欣赏学习~

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-01-19 09:12:28 Post subject:

再读，确实好！娓娓叙说，前后呼应．脑子里会有一幅画面，男人在深情叙说，叹息，女人在聆听～

中明
童生

Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 9

中明Collection

Posted: 2007-01-21 02:02:06 Post subject:

好诗，拜读！

黄昏雨
童生

Joined: 17 Jan 2007
Posts: 67
Location: 福建
黄昏雨Collection

Posted: 2007-01-21 21:12:27 Post subject:

非常美，非常好。学习了。只是我想根据阅读这首诗的语感提一个小得不能再小的意见，我觉得最后一句的“又”是不是换成“也”更流畅呢？当然也许你在这里别有用心。问好。 _________________ 手在弦上，心在风中

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2007-01-21 21:30:10 Post subject:

黄昏雨 wrote:

非常美，非常好。学习了。只是我想根据阅读这首诗的语感提一个小得不能再小的意见，我觉得最后一句的“又”是不是换成“也”更流畅呢？当然也许你在这里别有用心。问好。

多谢黄昏雨弟的细心阅读，一点没错。没有别有用心，哈哈。你成co-author了。
其实需要改的还有多处。没时间啊。共勉。
_________________
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下一个偶像是野兽
秀才

Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 504
Location: 西安
下一个偶像是野兽Collection

Posted: 2007-01-26 04:18:16 Post subject:

漂亮的结尾。爱情的余味。 _________________ 我的博客：http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1251343504

左岸
秀才

Joined: 12 Oct 2006
Posts: 215
Location: 中国大连
左岸Collection

Posted: 2007-01-26 04:53:20 Post subject:

构思好，语感好，切入好，学习好诗！ _________________ 黑暗怎样焊住灵魂的银河

刘雨萍
秀才

Joined: 25 Jan 2007
Posts: 226
Location: Houston, TX. U.S.A
刘雨萍Collection

Posted: 2007-01-26 08:43:50 Post subject:

爱情已远,"我即不在这里/也不在远方", 唯有诗佐证. _________________ 隔海抒情

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2007-01-26 16:05:48 Post subject:

下一个偶像是野兽 wrote:

漂亮的结尾。爱情的余味。

感谢野兽兄。
当初确实是为了结尾写了整首。也感谢您读出那点余味。您自己的“狗日的城市。。。“给我留下深刻印象。
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nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2007-01-26 16:06:46 Post subject:

感谢雨萍和中明的光临和点评。谢谢。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2007-01-26 16:11:33 Post subject:

左岸 wrote:

构思好，语感好，切入好，学习好诗！

感谢左岸兄莅临指导。

没想到会得到这莫多，甚至是左岸兄的认同。把以前写的东西归类a, b, c, d, 这个本来是归在b里的，哈哈。看来还是要多拿出来晾晾，多听听大伙的看法和意见。

另外，您本人的诗才真正可称“构思好，语感好“，
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荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2007-01-30 06:55:12 Post subject:

喜欢这样深情的诗句。看了时间，都过去十七年了，现在发出来，是怀旧了吗？

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