yònghù:  mìmǎ:  zìdòng   wàngmì zhùcèzhùcè
博客群博客群    博客新闻博客新闻   chángjiànwèntíyǔjiědáchángjiànwèntíyǔjiědá   
sōusuǒsōusuǒ    chéngyuánlièbiǎochéngyuánlièbiǎo    chéngyuánzǔchéngyuánzǔ    zhàoxiāngbùzhàoxiāngbù 
 shùxíngzhùtíhéngdànyǎ
běiměifēng shǒuyè -> 西方文学 Western Literature fābiǎoxīntiè   huífùtièzǐ
kino
秀才


zhùcèshíjiān: 2006-12-23
tièzǐ: 411
láizì: beijing
kinoběiměifēngwénjí
tièzǐfābiǎoyú: 2008-08-05 17:39:02    fābiǎozhùtí: 猫 yǐnyòngbìnghuífù



在暗夜里
跳上座钟,晃动钟摆
之后,卧在一旁佯装睡眠
直到我实在无法忍受
时间崩裂的惨叫
起身去停止它的时候
突然跳起来咬住我的手

The cat

The cat jumps onto the clock
and puts it on in the dark.
Then she lies down pretending to sleep.
As I can’t bare
the whimpering of time cracked
and rise to stop it,
she springs up and bites into my hand.

(2008-8-6)
fǎnyèshǒu
yuèlǎnchéngyuánzīliào fāsòngsīrénliúyán fāsòngdiànzǐyóujiàn 博客 liúlǎnfābiǎozhědezhùyè
Lake
举人


zhùcèshíjiān: 2007-01-09
tièzǐ: 1286

Lakeběiměifēngwénjí
tièzǐfābiǎoyú: 2008-08-06 15:23:03    fābiǎozhùtí: yǐnyòngbìnghuífù

Kino,

Glad to read your bilingual poem. It's a nice little poem re a disturbing night.

Here is my thought:

yǐnyòng:
在暗夜里
跳上座钟,晃动钟摆

The cat jumps onto the bell
and puts it on in the dark.


Are you sure you want to use 'bell' for "座钟"?

'puts it on ', does it refer to 'bell'? Then how can a cat put on "座钟"? Oh yeah, you can hang a bell on its neck. Is it the reason why you used 'bell'?

yǐnyòng:
springs up and bites into my hand

I read this line a couple of times, but still think there's something missing, a subject, maybe?

Let's see what other people think.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
fǎnyèshǒu
yuèlǎnchéngyuánzīliào fāsòngsīrénliúyán 博客
kino
秀才


zhùcèshíjiān: 2006-12-23
tièzǐ: 411
láizì: beijing
kinoběiměifēngwénjí
tièzǐfābiǎoyú: 2008-08-06 16:28:53    fābiǎozhùtí: yǐnyòngbìnghuífù

Thank you very much, Lake.

I am not satisfied with the English as well. Sorry, "座钟" should be the "desk clock". I made a mistake there. The clock is placed on the cabinet. When the cat jumps onto it, the vibration drives the pendulum to swing.

And the subject of the last line should be the cat. I revised the sentence. See if it makes sense this time?
fǎnyèshǒu
yuèlǎnchéngyuánzīliào fāsòngsīrénliúyán fāsòngdiànzǐyóujiàn 博客 liúlǎnfābiǎozhědezhùyè
Lake
举人


zhùcèshíjiān: 2007-01-09
tièzǐ: 1286

Lakeběiměifēngwénjí
tièzǐfābiǎoyú: 2008-08-07 11:35:11    fābiǎozhùtí: yǐnyòngbìnghuífù

Hm, makes more sense now except 'puts it on'. I still could not picture what you explained - 'the vibration drives the pendulum to swing. ' And that maybe just me.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
fǎnyèshǒu
yuèlǎnchéngyuánzīliào fāsòngsīrénliúyán 博客
William Zhou周道模
探花


zhùcèshíjiān: 2007-06-10
tièzǐ: 3950
láizì: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模běiměifēngwénjí
tièzǐfābiǎoyú: 2008-08-09 04:14:06    fābiǎozhùtí: yǐnyòngbìnghuífù

我读第一次的感觉是“猫就是钟,就是时间”,是时间像猫一样咬痛了我的手。
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模
fǎnyèshǒu
yuèlǎnchéngyuánzīliào fāsòngsīrénliúyán 博客 liúlǎnfābiǎozhědezhùyè
白水
大学士


zhùcèshíjiān: 2006-10-02
tièzǐ: 14102
láizì: TORONTO
白水běiměifēngwénjí
tièzǐfābiǎoyú: 2008-08-09 05:36:49    fābiǎozhùtí: yǐnyòngbìnghuífù

怎么有点象我家的猫 Very Happy
fǎnyèshǒu
yuèlǎnchéngyuánzīliào fāsòngsīrénliúyán 博客
kino
秀才


zhùcèshíjiān: 2006-12-23
tièzǐ: 411
láizì: beijing
kinoběiměifēngwénjí
tièzǐfābiǎoyú: 2008-08-13 17:08:27    fābiǎozhùtí: yǐnyòngbìnghuífù

thank you all for reading. that cat is really cheeky~~
fǎnyèshǒu
yuèlǎnchéngyuánzīliào fāsòngsīrénliúyán fāsòngdiànzǐyóujiàn 博客 liúlǎnfābiǎozhědezhùyè
非马
秀才


zhùcèshíjiān: 2006-06-22
tièzǐ: 907
láizì: 芝加哥
非马běiměifēngwénjí
tièzǐfābiǎoyú: 2008-08-25 17:14:31    fābiǎozhùtí: yǐnyòngbìnghuífù

其实把中文老老实实翻译成口语的英文, 如:

在暗夜里
跳上座钟,晃动钟摆

In the dark (night 也许没必要)
the cat jumps on to the clock, shaking its pendulum


直到我实在无法忍受
时间崩裂的惨叫

Until I can no longer bear (bare 拼错了)
the whimper of time


不是更直截了当吗?

又,根据英文版,中文诗倒数第二行的“它”应指“惨叫”,那么最后一行便需要一个主词“她”(如果是只母猫)
_________________
欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm
fǎnyèshǒu
yuèlǎnchéngyuánzīliào fāsòngsīrénliúyán liúlǎnfābiǎozhědezhùyè
kino
秀才


zhùcèshíjiān: 2006-12-23
tièzǐ: 411
láizì: beijing
kinoběiměifēngwénjí
tièzǐfābiǎoyú: 2008-10-18 01:34:10    fābiǎozhùtí: yǐnyòngbìnghuífù

谢谢飞马先生指教。



在暗夜里
跳上座钟,晃动钟摆
之后,卧在一旁佯装睡眠
直到我实在无法忍受
时间崩裂的声音
起身去停止它的时候
突然跳起来咬住我的手

The cat

In the dark
the cat jumps onto the clock,
shaking its pendulum.
Then she lies down pretending to sleep.
Until I can no longer bear
the whimpering of time
and rise to stop it,
she springs up and bites into my hand.

(2008-8-6写,10.19改)
fǎnyèshǒu
yuèlǎnchéngyuánzīliào fāsòngsīrénliúyán fāsòngdiànzǐyóujiàn 博客 liúlǎnfābiǎozhědezhùyè
cóngyǐqiándetièzǐkāishǐxiǎnshì:   
biǎoqíngtúàn
Very Happy Smile Sad Surprised
Shocked Confused Cool Laughing
Mad Razz Embarassed Crying or Very sad
Evil or Very Mad Twisted Evil Rolling Eyes Wink
Exclamation Question Idea Arrow
gèngduōbiǎoqíngtúàn
1yè/gòng1yè           yuèdúshàngyīgèzhùtí yuèdúxiàyīgèzhùtí    
běiměifēng shǒuyè -> 西方文学 Western Literature    fābiǎoxīntiè   huífùtièzǐ
tiàodào:  
凡在本网站发表作品,即视为向《北美枫》杂志投稿。作品版权归原作者,观点与网站无关。请勿用于商业,宗教和政治。严禁人身攻击。管理员有权删除作品。上传图片,版权自负。未经许可,请勿转载。