Maple Review :: View topic - 【兰叶赋】

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

【兰叶赋】

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半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-03-25 06:45:23 Post subject: 【兰叶赋】

【兰叶赋】从盆底溢出的泪水请别弄湿我的绿裙衫噢,兰叶草,你为何颤栗谁给你浇下生锈的水长出冰冷坚硬的骨头你听那铮铮暗响是审判在剥落着她的鱼鳞时间沿着长茎垂直向下哦,春天,快快长大吧我要摘下冬天的每一片腐叶葬于她寂寞根下让季风带走金色的芳香从盆底溢出的泪水你别弄湿我的绿裙衫

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2008-03-25 15:02:33 Post subject:

多么美的诗!!!!!! _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-03-25 16:20:46 Post subject:

谢海军~

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2008-04-01 21:06:28 Post subject:

又发老诗？ _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-04-01 21:12:22 Post subject:

nobody wrote:

又发老诗？

恩，有点传统，因为我最近在看传统的诗歌~呵呵，新写的,看起来有点旧 Smile

南闽老茂
童生

Joined: 13 Feb 2008
Posts: 53
Location: 中国福建
南闽老茂Collection

Posted: 2008-04-02 01:55:50 Post subject:

有好韵致,欣赏! _________________ [新浪博客]http://blog.sina.com.cn/nmlm

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-04-02 02:33:10 Post subject:

呵呵，我写东西，从不问什么新旧，感觉里怎么表达顺，就怎么表达。

山城子
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Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 4771
Location: 中国贵州
山城子Collection

Posted: 2008-04-02 06:29:37 Post subject:

明月好：提个建议好吗？ 1、标题叫《兰叶草》行不？严格意义的“赋”，应当是骈体文，而不是诗。 2、长出冰冷坚硬的骨头，索性“长出那冰冷坚硬”，如何？ 3、第3行得你，与6行得你，都是指兰叶草，对吧？第7行的她指谁？ ——仅供参考！ ——我是乱说的！ _________________ 诗是人生的雅伴儿。

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-04-02 07:03:16 Post subject:

山城子 wrote:

明月好：提个建议好吗？
...

感谢山城子老师真诚的意见～
我多理解的＂赋＂，应该有回文或者唱和的效果，有节奏的音乐性，不是古代严格意义上的＂赋＂。一些国外这样的诗歌翻译过来一般也用“赋”、“谣”、“歌”字缀尾。所以才选了这个字。不过严格意义上，我这首也不是完全的“赋”。只是觉得字好看点。也许我理解的错误也未必。再听听别人的意见～
第二三个建议我明天再来想！喊我下了，再见老师～

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-04-02 17:06:24 Post subject:

【兰叶草】从盆底溢出的泪水请别弄湿我的绿裙衫噢,兰叶草,你为何颤栗谁给你浇下生锈的水长出铁的冷骨头你听那铮铮暗响审判正剥落着旧鳞甲时间的长茎垂直向下哦,春天,快快长大吧我要拣起你每一片腐叶葬于寂寞根下让季风带走金色的芳香从盆底溢出的泪水请别弄湿我的绿裙衫骨头还是没修改过来~~~请大家一起审阅!

hepingdao
Site Admin

Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106

hepingdaoCollection

Posted: 2008-04-02 17:25:21 Post subject:

美得没法说 _________________ 为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-04-02 17:32:53 Post subject:

hepingdao wrote:

美得没法说

用草好还是用赋好?问好岛~

hepingdao
Site Admin

Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106

hepingdaoCollection

Posted: 2008-04-02 18:46:11 Post subject: 草可能灵巧一些

赋是一种格式，也要长一些，大气一些 _________________ 为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

莞君
秀才

Joined: 20 Oct 2007
Posts: 561
Location: 中国陕西
莞君Collection

Posted: 2008-04-02 18:47:40 Post subject:

从盆底溢出的泪水你别弄湿的我的绿裙衫品读空灵细腻问好姐姐 _________________ 莞君

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2008-04-02 18:59:15 Post subject:

不宜用赋。但并不是从格式上。广义的赋不一定局限于某种格式。而是从内容上。不是太“赋”。底子差，瞎说。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-04-02 19:02:47 Post subject:

恩，参考大家的意见,不用赋了~NY总玩谦虚谢谢岛的意见，感谢莞君兄弟有来阅读~

山城子
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Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 4771
Location: 中国贵州
山城子Collection

Posted: 2008-04-02 22:00:46 Post subject:

明月的谦虚与认真，令我感动——诗人就该有这个气质！ _________________ 诗是人生的雅伴儿。

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-04-02 22:47:20 Post subject:

山城子 wrote:

明月的谦虚与认真，令我感动——诗人就该有这个气质！

谢谢山城子老师的夸奖~清明节好!

莞君
秀才

Joined: 20 Oct 2007
Posts: 561
Location: 中国陕西
莞君Collection

Posted: 2008-04-04 21:31:50 Post subject:

提上问好姐姐品品 _________________ 莞君

钓月
秀才

Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 409
Location: 中国江苏
钓月Collection

Posted: 2008-04-20 03:18:47 Post subject:

从盆底溢出的泪水你别弄湿我的绿裙衫美是不老的! _________________ 欲钓那只太阳,却钓了一轮月亮 http://www.hongxiu.com/my.asp?id=1310875 http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanqirong

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