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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌 Post new topic   Reply to topic
庸医
婉儿
童生


Joined: 18 Nov 2006
Posts: 43
Location: 西北
婉儿Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-21 05:58:11    Post subject: 庸医 Reply with quote
庸医

我的电脑
病了, 那种常见的病毒性感冒
医生开了两片阿司匹林, 却
找不到它的嘴巴

沮丧的我
只好用机械工程师最后的
绝招, 实施
外科手术

当颤抖的改锥拧掉第一颗螺丝
我惊愕的
看见它敞开的胸膛
渗出
鲜红的血
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和平岛
举人


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-21 07:46:44    Post subject: Reply with quote
诗歌的构思很好
语言细节的处理上, 如何来得自然一些, 就能起到更好的效果
_________________
写诗是为了写更好的诗
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婉儿
童生


Joined: 18 Nov 2006
Posts: 43
Location: 西北
婉儿Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-22 04:36:40    Post subject: Reply with quote
谢谢你的意见, 收了
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左岸
秀才


Joined: 12 Oct 2006
Posts: 215
Location: 中国大连
左岸Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-22 19:59:01    Post subject: Reply with quote
诗的语言流畅，但物的人化缺少诗意加强。
_________________
黑暗怎样焊住灵魂的银河
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婉儿
童生


Joined: 18 Nov 2006
Posts: 43
Location: 西北
婉儿Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-25 19:20:36    Post subject: Reply with quote
谢谢左岸
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一无
秀才


Joined: 20 Mar 2013
Posts: 576
Location: 中国
一无Collection
PostPosted: 2013-07-15 10:23:19    Post subject: Reply with quote
自然轻盈的歌。

这篇作品后的评论，同样真诚直言。


————从第391页找到
_________________
名心退尽道心生，如梦如仙句偶成。天籁自鸣天趣足，好诗不过近人情。

———清 张问陶



http://www.yizitong.org/weblog.php?w=397
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博弈
榜眼


Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection
PostPosted: 2013-07-16 00:31:06    Post subject: Reply with quote
一支十字起子即可大卸八塊一本筆記型電腦, 真的.
碰巧我有本詩集"筆電之死", 目前最長的單一主題長詩嘗試, 值得收藏.(真的)Wink

http://item.jd.com/16046157.html
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（在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美）
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婉儿
童生


Joined: 18 Nov 2006
Posts: 43
Location: 西北
婉儿Collection
PostPosted: 2013-07-16 10:49:16    Post subject: Reply with quote
一无 wrote:
自然轻盈的歌。
...

谢谢一无海底捞真 Very Happy
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婉儿
童生


Joined: 18 Nov 2006
Posts: 43
Location: 西北
婉儿Collection
PostPosted: 2013-07-16 10:57:46    Post subject: Reply with quote
博弈 wrote:
一支十字起子即可大卸八塊一本筆記型電腦, 真的.
...


真的 Confused
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