婉儿 童生
Joined: 18 Nov 2006 Posts: 43 Location: 西北 婉儿Collection |
Posted: 2006-11-21 05:58:11 Post subject: 庸医 |
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庸医
我的电脑
病了, 那种常见的病毒性感冒
医生开了两片阿司匹林, 却
找不到它的嘴巴
沮丧的我
只好用机械工程师最后的
绝招, 实施
外科手术
当颤抖的改锥拧掉第一颗螺丝
我惊愕的
看见它敞开的胸膛
渗出
鲜红的血 |
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和平岛 举人

Joined: 25 May 2006 Posts: 1277 Location: Victoria, Canada 和平岛Collection |
Posted: 2006-11-21 07:46:44 Post subject: |
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诗歌的构思很好
语言细节的处理上, 如何来得自然一些, 就能起到更好的效果 _________________ 写诗是为了写更好的诗 |
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婉儿 童生
Joined: 18 Nov 2006 Posts: 43 Location: 西北 婉儿Collection |
Posted: 2006-11-22 04:36:40 Post subject: |
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谢谢你的意见, 收了 |
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左岸 秀才
Joined: 12 Oct 2006 Posts: 215 Location: 中国大连 左岸Collection |
Posted: 2006-11-22 19:59:01 Post subject: |
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诗的语言流畅,但物的人化缺少诗意加强。 _________________ 黑暗怎样焊住灵魂的银河 |
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婉儿 童生
Joined: 18 Nov 2006 Posts: 43 Location: 西北 婉儿Collection |
Posted: 2006-11-25 19:20:36 Post subject: |
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谢谢左岸 |
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一无 秀才

Joined: 20 Mar 2013 Posts: 576 Location: 中国 一无Collection |
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博弈 榜眼
Joined: 21 Dec 2006 Posts: 4381 Location: SFO 博弈Collection |
Posted: 2013-07-16 00:31:06 Post subject: |
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一支十字起子即可大卸八塊一本筆記型電腦, 真的.
碰巧我有本詩集"筆電之死", 目前最長的單一主題長詩嘗試, 值得收藏.(真的)
http://item.jd.com/16046157.html _________________ (在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美) |
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婉儿 童生
Joined: 18 Nov 2006 Posts: 43 Location: 西北 婉儿Collection |
Posted: 2013-07-16 10:49:16 Post subject: |
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谢谢一无海底捞真  |
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婉儿 童生
Joined: 18 Nov 2006 Posts: 43 Location: 西北 婉儿Collection |
Posted: 2013-07-16 10:57:46 Post subject: |
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博弈 wrote: |
一支十字起子即可大卸八塊一本筆記型電腦, 真的.
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真的  |
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