Maple Review :: View topic - 风筝在飞（结尾改了）

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

风筝在飞（结尾改了）

淡水
童生

Joined: 06 Jul 2007
Posts: 82

淡水Collection

Posted: 2007-08-16 07:50:05 Post subject: 风筝在飞（结尾改了）

风，看不见我看到风筝的尾巴在摇曳，摇曳着拉长的弧线如果此时线断拽走我的是那条蜿蜒的细线还是那张俯视的脸很可能，都不是！ 2007，8，15 风筝在飞风，看不见我看到风筝的尾巴在摇曳，摇曳着拉长的弧线如果此时线断拽走我的是那条蜿蜒的细线还是那张俯视的脸风筝，拉着那条线飞啊飞把风刮得好高好远 2007，8，17

半溪明月
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-08-16 08:22:26 Post subject:

可以不要最后一句吧,问好!

淡水
童生

Joined: 06 Jul 2007
Posts: 82

淡水Collection

Posted: 2007-08-16 17:31:09 Post subject:

半溪明月 wrote:

可以不要最后一句吧,问好!

多谢半溪明月阅评。问好！
建议很好。
我现在有点舍不得删，过几天再看看吧。请凉。

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-08-16 19:09:20 Post subject:

精湛的小诗.

淡水
童生

Joined: 06 Jul 2007
Posts: 82

淡水Collection

Posted: 2007-08-17 04:51:40 Post subject:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

精湛的小诗.

多谢白水阅评。问好！

淡水
童生

Joined: 06 Jul 2007
Posts: 82

淡水Collection

Posted: 2007-08-17 12:37:18 Post subject:

改了一下结尾，不过诗味也变了。

白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-08-18 03:20:54 Post subject:

感觉没改的更好些, 改过的把留白填的太满, 反到限定了读诗人的想象空间. 很可能，都不是！___那么, 是什么呢................? 风筝，拉着那条线飞啊飞把风刮得好高好远______是远去的风, 筝. 而筝形象了远去的风. 己见, 不妥见谅

韩少君
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Joined: 06 Apr 2007
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Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2007-08-18 03:26:32 Post subject:

似乎原作更好 _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

淡水
童生

Joined: 06 Jul 2007
Posts: 82

淡水Collection

Posted: 2007-08-18 04:41:29 Post subject:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

感觉没改的更好些, 改过的把留白填的太满, 反到限定了读诗人的想象空间.

很可能，都不是！___那么, 是什么呢................?

风筝，拉着那条线
飞啊飞
把风刮得
好高好远______是远去的风, 筝. 而筝形象了远去的风.

己见, 不妥见谅 Embarassed

多谢白水精心点评。先问好，再啰嗦几句。
本来是没第三节的，反复读，觉得没表达我要说的，就多了原诗的结句，那是全诗要说的。修改的，和原诗的意境完全不同了，是在用风筝感觉无处不在的我们依赖的存在（风），不过他们的存在经常被忽略了。诗太短可能没表达出来，再努力。
其实三种情况差别很大，不晓得读者是否认同。
好有意思，一个结尾，诗味全然不同。
我个人也更喜欢原诗。
再谢点评。远握！

淡水
童生

Joined: 06 Jul 2007
Posts: 82

淡水Collection

Posted: 2007-08-18 04:43:33 Post subject:

韩少君 wrote:

似乎原作更好

多谢少君兄弟。问好。远握！

金金
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Joined: 08 Feb 2007
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Location: 山东济宁
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Posted: 2007-08-18 20:49:02 Post subject:

我喜欢没改的，顺畅 _________________ http://blog.sina.com.cn/shirenjinjin

淡水
童生

Joined: 06 Jul 2007
Posts: 82

淡水Collection

Posted: 2007-08-19 06:02:21 Post subject:

金金 wrote:

我喜欢没改的，顺畅

多谢金金。远握。

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