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乡中少年行
天浪
童生


Joined: 13 May 2007
Posts: 26
Location: 北京海淀
天浪Collection
PostPosted: 2007-06-30 22:17:40    Post subject: 乡中少年行 Reply with quote

  乡中少年行
      天 浪

年少辞稼行,健父渐白鬓。
岁暮纷还家,月多催远尘。
老母已托媒,相亲即成亲。
外地柴米贵,新妇势难行。
脸薄锄田土,心细待婆姑。
秋尽草木黄,风寒露为霜。
昨日雪飞扬,村妇多愤伤。
“照片瘦分明,三碗未上心。
人影不可近,孩儿要父亲。
年近君可回?早为置好衣?”
妻子怨还望,游子盼难归。
出粮或准时,收钞尽薄微。
店铺逐地挤,衣食满目列。
空房租还贵,狮坐张口侧。
稍不留神者,心痛难追悔。
若还遇祸病,赤身去面对。
最恶势利者,钱尽还眼斜。
可怜终年累,不及一晚醉。
去家十余年,两手还空垂。
思乡羞无颜,思家嗫无言。
前时加班紧,老板开恩欢。
“但言二十三,今过热闹年!”
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  天 浪
http://blog.sina.com.cn/tlang
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晓松
举人


Joined: 26 Feb 2007
Posts: 1192

晓松Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-01 14:32:20    Post subject: Reply with quote

读了让人心酸,问好天浪朋友!
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野航
秀才


Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 547
Location: toronto
野航Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-01 18:55:16    Post subject: Reply with quote

质朴古道,有汉乐府遗风,非常感人。结尾似可修改一下。
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回归自然 回归心灵 回归传统
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天浪
童生


Joined: 13 May 2007
Posts: 26
Location: 北京海淀
天浪Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-02 04:07:45    Post subject: Reply with quote

说的是二十三能放假,今年总算能回家过年。
野航兄能否明说?我很少写古诗的。
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  天 浪
http://blog.sina.com.cn/tlang
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天浪
童生


Joined: 13 May 2007
Posts: 26
Location: 北京海淀
天浪Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-02 04:10:14    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢了晓松的问候。
其实现实中的情形,较之所述更为辛酸。可见用笔之无力。
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  天 浪
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野航
秀才


Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 547
Location: toronto
野航Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-03 16:56:04    Post subject: Reply with quote

天浪 wrote:
说的是二十三能放假,今年总算能回家过年。
野航兄能否明说?我很少写古诗的。


天浪,试着改一下,供参考

思乡不敢语,老板终开颜:
“前时加班紧,工作方周全。
二十三可返,且过热闹年!”
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回归自然 回归心灵 回归传统
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天浪
童生


Joined: 13 May 2007
Posts: 26
Location: 北京海淀
天浪Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-10 03:45:18    Post subject: 再回野航兄 Reply with quote

  谢了野航兄。这几天没过来看,只看到十个海子在我博上的回贴,没想到野航兄这边也回了。
  我的原意是,乡中少年对他家中的妻儿所言,往年难得回家,今年老板早有交待,二十三日放假,所以乡中少年交待他家中的妻儿,今年可以早早准备,过上一个热闹年(可见往年过年之无奈分离、孤独与冷清)。
  在野航兄的提醒下,末三句我修改如下:
  思乡怯无颜,思家嗫难言:
  “前时加班紧,老板开恩欢。
  但言二十三,今过热闹年!”
  再次谢谢野航兄。
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  天 浪
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暗香如沁
秀才


Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 885
Location: 北京
暗香如沁Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-10 04:05:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

有古意/让人感慨.
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http://blog.sina.com.cn/axrq用寂寞谱写最美的舞曲~
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