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《柳梢青》暮色他乡

白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-05-26 05:45:28 Post subject: 《柳梢青》暮色他乡

《柳梢青》暮色他乡入浴残阳, 港湾暮色, 羁旅他乡. 乱发飞思, 流萤写意, 点点苍凉. 何人把酒衷肠? 待明月, 邀杯举双. 慢卷心扉, 落帆今夜, 指日出航.

他乡客
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 487
Location: 加拿大.渥汰华 (Ottawa, Canada)
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Posted: 2007-05-26 06:47:28 Post subject:

这又是一幅画卷么?

黄洋界
探花

Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection

Posted: 2007-05-26 07:53:30 Post subject:

好一幅残阳羁旅图,何不登山玩水拂去乡愁.

白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
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Posted: 2007-05-26 09:48:47 Post subject:

他乡客 wrote:

这又是一幅画卷么?

回他乡客, 你真好眼力, 这是给一张照片的配诗. 可惜我还不知道怎样贴照片 Embarassed

白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-05-26 09:53:15 Post subject:

黄洋界 wrote:

好一幅残阳羁旅图,何不登山玩水拂去乡愁.

谢谢黄洋界, 这不试着拂呢 Confused

慢卷心扉, 落帆今夜, 明日离港. Embarassed

暗香如沁
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Joined: 14 Jan 2007
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Location: 北京
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Posted: 2007-05-26 12:24:20 Post subject:

意境好．学习． _________________ http://blog.sina.com.cn/axrq用寂寞谱写最美的舞曲~

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-05-27 06:19:39 Post subject:

问好暗香.

野航
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Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 547
Location: toronto
野航Collection

Posted: 2007-05-27 18:07:39 Post subject:

流莹(萤）写意, 点点苍凉. 可谓锦句！ _________________ 回归自然回归心灵回归传统

晓松
举人

Joined: 26 Feb 2007
Posts: 1192

晓松Collection

Posted: 2007-05-27 19:58:30 Post subject:

入浴残阳，神来之笔；乱发飞思，形象之至。只是明日离港，似有几分无奈。明日出航，如何？

暗香如沁
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Joined: 14 Jan 2007
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Posted: 2007-05-27 23:08:25 Post subject:

再来学习．提下． _________________ http://blog.sina.com.cn/axrq用寂寞谱写最美的舞曲~

冰清
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Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921

冰清Collection

Posted: 2007-05-28 00:55:38 Post subject: Re: 《柳梢青》暮色他乡

白水 Moonlight wrote:

《柳梢青》暮色他乡

入浴残阳, 船坞暮色, 羁旅他乡.
乱发飞思, 流莹写意, 点点苍凉.

何人把酒衷肠? 待明月, 邀杯举双.
慢卷心扉, 落帆今夜, 明日离港.

飞洒、收束都很自然！

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-05-28 20:19:17 Post subject:

野航 wrote:

流莹(萤）写意, 点点苍凉.
可谓锦句！

捉了个小虫虫? 哈, 我改了. 谢谢 Very Happy

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-05-28 20:32:07 Post subject:

晓松 wrote:

入浴残阳，神来之笔；
乱发飞思，形象之至。
只是明日离港，似有几分无奈。明日出航，如何？

谢谢晓松. 你这样改是明快些. 我写时也想过, 后来没用的原因是因为感觉和整首诗歌的韵味不协调. 或许过两天我会有不同感受?ANYWAY , THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR SUGGESTION. 这种探讨对提高写作技巧非常有帮助 Smile

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-05-28 20:33:41 Post subject:

暗香, 冰清. 谢谢鼓励. 问好.

戴玨
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808

戴玨Collection

Posted: 2007-05-28 22:15:53 Post subject:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

野航 wrote:

流莹(萤）写意, 点点苍凉.
可谓锦句！

捉了个小虫虫? 哈, 我改了. 谢谢 Very Happy

我幾天前讀到流瑩，以為是描寫水的光澤。
_________________
I labour by singing light
我的blog
我的專欄

游向高原的鱼
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Posted: 2007-05-29 00:18:09 Post subject:

慢卷心扉, 落帆今夜, 明日离港. 我把明日离港改成“趁醉海港”，但感觉平仄不对。白水看看有用没有。 _________________ 人生乃是一面镜子，在其中认识自己。

白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-05-29 05:02:09 Post subject:

戴玨 wrote:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

野航 wrote:

流莹(萤）写意, 点点苍凉.
可谓锦句！

捉了个小虫虫? 哈, 我改了. 谢谢 Very Happy

我幾天前讀到流瑩，以為是描寫水的光澤。

问好戴玨, 你没错, 原意是水色. 看了野航的" ", 把眼睛抬了点, 就从湖面拓展开了. 照片是夕阳西下, 华灯初上的港湾......相信野航常看这种景. Very Happy

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-05-29 05:14:50 Post subject:

游向高原的鱼 wrote:

慢卷心扉, 落帆今夜, 明日离港.

我把明日离港改成“趁醉海港”，但感觉平仄不对。白水看看有用没有。

谢谢高原鱼. 这是当是心态真实的写照, 累了, 倦了, 思乡了,,,,,,但还没忘记船儿总是要出航的. 离港时免不了眷恋温馨的港湾, 驶出去, 由不得你不去面对所有......不可以醉的 Razz

kokho
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Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection

Posted: 2007-05-30 00:39:37 Post subject: Re: 《柳梢青》暮色他乡

白水 Moonlight wrote:

《柳梢青》暮色他乡

入浴残阳, 船坞暮色, 羁旅他乡.
乱发飞思, 流萤写意, 点点苍凉.

何人把酒衷肠? 待明月, 邀杯举双.
慢卷心扉, 落帆今夜, 明日离港.

读了再读，原来高手如是。。。

给白水请安　 Cool

。
_________________
乒乓、摄影、诗歌

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-07-09 15:54:21 Post subject: Re: 《柳梢青》暮色他乡

kokho wrote:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

《柳梢青》暮色他乡

入浴残阳, 船坞暮色, 羁旅他乡.
乱发飞思, 流萤写意, 点点苍凉.

何人把酒衷肠? 待明月, 邀杯举双.
慢卷心扉, 落帆今夜, 明日离港.

读了再读，原来高手如是。。。

给白水请安　 Cool

。

KOK,最近忙什么呢? 怎么不见仙踪? Rolling Eyes

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