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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

一条病鱼的自白

草原牧歌
童生

Joined: 21 May 2007
Posts: 23

草原牧歌Collection

Posted: 2007-05-22 01:27:11 Post subject: 一条病鱼的自白

一条病鱼的自白飘雪我用一季的寒冷酝酿一个病痛一个梦在我斑驳的皮肤下生根发芽，那会开出一池甜蜜的睡莲花儿春回大地透明的房子破碎了我终于被放逐醒来吧，我的梦，我的兄弟那一池的浮萍是我剥落的鳞甲醒来吧，我的梦，我的兄弟我用痛彻心扉的痛来将你唤醒花儿开了清香四溢

陈若祥
秀才

Joined: 12 Feb 2007
Posts: 470
Location: 中国*安徽
陈若祥Collection

Posted: 2007-05-22 01:44:53 Post subject:

清新淡雅的笔调浅淡婉约的伤感虚实相生,鱼我两忘浑然天成欣赏,学习!

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-05-22 01:54:02 Post subject:

觉得清香四溢和芬芳无比有重复之感，删掉最后一句诗人会不会心疼呢！！问候诗人！ _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

草原牧歌
童生

Joined: 21 May 2007
Posts: 23

草原牧歌Collection

Posted: 2007-05-22 02:02:44 Post subject:

杨海军 wrote:

觉得清香四溢和芬芳无比有重复之感，删掉最后一句诗人会不会心疼呢！！问候诗人！ Smile

清香四溢,是一种客观的描述
芬芳无比,是一种主观的感受
我想传达的是这样一个传递的过程
或许我没有把这一过程表述好

谢谢诗人评点,欢迎再来!

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2007-05-22 02:12:41 Post subject:

赞同海军的建议好诗，瑕不掩瑜。 _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

草原牧歌
童生

Joined: 21 May 2007
Posts: 23

草原牧歌Collection

Posted: 2007-05-22 02:19:33 Post subject:

"瑕不掩瑜",多谢少君的鼓励!

草原牧歌
童生

Joined: 21 May 2007
Posts: 23

草原牧歌Collection

Posted: 2007-05-24 01:21:18 Post subject:

仔细想了一下，觉得少君和海军讲得甚是！决定将原作改动一下多提意见！

上城
进士出身

Joined: 15 Mar 2007
Posts: 2024
Location: 江夏黄鹤楼
上城Collection

Posted: 2007-05-25 09:28:02 Post subject:

诗之外,不免想入非非,欲罢不能.叫我如何是好. 倾听草原牧歌. _________________ 每个诗人都很重要

ZY
秀才

Joined: 20 Feb 2007
Posts: 163
Location: 台北
ZYCollection

Posted: 2007-05-25 13:40:10 Post subject:

我用一季的寒冷酝酿一个病痛 *深入. 诗人,常该这么酝酿吧. 问好. ZY _________________ 陌生人遺落的足印們已經靜坐良久

陈若祥
秀才

Joined: 12 Feb 2007
Posts: 470
Location: 中国*安徽
陈若祥Collection

Posted: 2007-05-27 04:32:20 Post subject:

＂醒来吧，我的梦，我的兄弟那一池的浮萍是我剥落的鳞甲醒来吧，我的梦，我的兄弟我用痛彻心扉的痛来将你唤醒＂这两节一咏三叹，回肠荡气！欣赏！ _________________ ¤当树的叶子再次泛绿，繁华 ¤我们欣赏着一部与你我无关的电影 ¤看着春天悄悄地走来 ¤看着春天延伸在我们的脚下 ◆安徽凤鸣诗社◆http://blog.sina.com.cn/fmshishe

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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