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睡吧,睡吧!----我的学生郑龙飞的诗作
陈若祥
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PostPosted: 2007-05-05 03:06:08    Post subject: 睡吧,睡吧!----我的学生郑龙飞的诗作 Reply with quote

  睡吧,睡吧!

      郑龙飞

夜,降临以后
狂暴的元素,开始飞舞
震撼心灵 呼吸沉重
不安分的躁动
使我迷路,陷入

紧攥着灵台的最后一丝清明
狂夯苍穹,田野回荡着夜碎的脆响
空虚,无处逃遁
一切
崩溃
无语

在这夜的国度,我是王者从热情中来
从孤独中来
跪拜的人们哪,在这夜的国度
我这王者也将保持着原来的姿势从孤独中离去
从热情中离去
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PostPosted: 2007-05-05 04:14:10    Post subject: Reply with quote

"在这夜的国度,我是王者从热情中来 "

这个转折,充满自信,也让诗后半翻出新意.
问好.
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陈若祥
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PostPosted: 2007-05-05 04:23:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢zy!
龙飞的这首诗作举重若轻,很大气.
精神的抒写,稳健之中见飘逸,尤其最后一节宕开一笔,境界随之开阔起来.
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¤看着春天悄悄地走来
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PostPosted: 2007-05-05 05:23:50    Post subject: Reply with quote

最后两句确实不错
在制造的狂乱中脱身 Very Happy
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陈若祥
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PostPosted: 2007-05-05 05:59:18    Post subject: Reply with quote

      精神的抒写
----再评龙飞的诗作《睡吧,睡吧!》

在诗中,夜,是一个神秘的意象。

在夜里,许多故事发生了;
在夜里,许多人走了;
在夜里,许多人找到了自己;
在夜里,我们的心灵方能静下来;
也正是在夜里,我们的心灵方能自由地飞翔;
也正是在夜里,躁动开始真实地呈现。
躁动的心绪使主人公迷惘并陷入其中,但
他又不甘心这样,于是
用“灵台的最后一丝清明”奋力拼搏,
与苍穹搏斗,
这是内心斗争的外化,
这种搏斗使心灵不在空虚,
这种搏斗使得躁动等等一切轰然崩溃,
使得内心趋于平静,一切无语。
中间一节运用形象的话语写出了抽象的精神运动。

最后一节宕开一笔,意境随之开阔。
“王者”的形象凸显了主人公精神境界,
“跪拜的人们”凸显了恢弘的气势,但
“我这王者”却从孤独中离去,从热情中离去,同时
“保持着原来的姿势”,另一种味道溢于言外,
此时,与诗题“睡吧,睡吧!”联系起来,
一种无奈呈现。这样,
抒情主人公的情感呈现出圆形的回环往复的形态,
一咏三叹,令人玩味。

愚师以为:整首诗精神的抒写,稳健之中见飘逸
     举重若轻,颇为大气,是不可多得的佳作.
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陈若祥
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PostPosted: 2007-05-05 06:06:01    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢hepingdao的关注与点评!
刚才说了那么多,是一己之见,我很欣赏龙飞的这首。
不过,还请各位多提批评意见,期望着能写得更好!
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¤当树的叶子再次泛绿,繁华
¤我们欣赏着一部与你我无关的电影
¤看着春天悄悄地走来
¤看着春天延伸在我们的脚下
◆安徽凤鸣诗社◆http://blog.sina.com.cn/fmshishe
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PostPosted: 2007-05-05 06:22:08    Post subject: Reply with quote

我在想,是什么样的“夜”,用上这么多的重词——“狂暴”“震撼”“沉重”“躁动”“狂夯”“逃遁”“崩溃”
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陈若祥
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PostPosted: 2007-05-05 06:34:45    Post subject: Reply with quote

沙漠 wrote:
我在想,是什么样的“夜”,用上这么多的重词——“狂暴”“震撼”“沉重”“躁动”“狂夯”“逃遁”“崩溃”


值得思考!
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PostPosted: 2007-05-05 07:01:50    Post subject: Reply with quote

是的,每个词语都是两面刀
轻重很难掌握
表面的重不是真重
表面的轻却可能有难以承载的份量
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PostPosted: 2007-05-05 08:29:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

梦的狂想曲.在人的精神领域里什么事情都可以发生,呈现
在这夜也是梦的狂想,燥烈中,灵魂也会狂暴失去常态的叙述
睡吧,睡吧!人却是醒着的,不安等等都来侵蚀他
强烈的梦幻诉求,来源于现实中的压抑,精神的苦闷,白日梦得不到展现
"在这夜的国度,我是王者从热情中来
从孤独中来
跪拜的人们哪,在这夜的国度
我这王者也将保持着原来的姿势从孤独中离去
从热情中离去"有热力,有魄力!希望诗歌领域里出现真正的王者.
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陈若祥
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PostPosted: 2007-05-05 15:15:58    Post subject: Reply with quote

感谢朋友们的点评!
《毛诗序》云:“诗者,志之所之也,在心为志,发言为诗。情动于中而行于言。”
一首诗便是一个人灵魂的外衣,在诗中,
人,找到了最原生态的自我,
这最原生态的自我包括最原生态的生活,最原生态的精神。
于是,便用个性化的诗歌语言呈现出来。
这也许就是诗最能打动人的缘由吧!
龙飞的这首诗写出了一个富有个性的个体的精神运动,同时
还通过个性的体验展现了精神领域的共性的东西。
我以为:好的诗歌应该是能引起不同读者的共鸣的,
    这便需要我们以个性的角色投入到多彩的原生态的生活之中去。
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changan
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PostPosted: 2007-05-07 00:10:09    Post subject: Reply with quote

"我这王者也将保持着原来的姿势从孤独中离去
从热情中离去"
好诗句!"保持着原来的姿势"而这姿态正是王者的姿态,
离去了依然是王者,一种精神、一种风度、一种自信油然溢出!
“从热情中离去”使得诗意进一步提升,升华!至此,全篇戛然而止,却令人回味无穷!
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陈若祥
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PostPosted: 2007-05-07 20:26:08    Post subject: Reply with quote

changan wrote:
"我这王者也将保持着原来的姿势从孤独中离去
从热情中离去"
好诗句!"保持着原来的姿势"而这姿态正是王者的姿态,
离去了依然是王者,一种精神、一种风度、一种自信油然溢出!
“从热情中离去”使得诗意进一步提升,升华!至此,全篇戛然而止,却令人回味无穷!


是的,"保持着原来的姿势"表明离去的“我”不是一个落魄的形象、不是一个失败者的形象,而且,他的离去似乎不是被动的离去,而是,一种主动的选择。这样,与诗题“睡吧,睡吧!”联系起来,会呈现一种无奈。
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PostPosted: 2007-05-08 12:48:19    Post subject: Reply with quote

hepingdao wrote:
最后两句确实不错
在制造的狂乱中脱身 Very Happy


支持。。。


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龙飞
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PostPosted: 2007-05-13 18:40:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

感谢诸位的点评!
在这首诗中我只想倾诉一下自己烦躁的心情,
我以为,诗是言情的文学样式.
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陈若祥
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PostPosted: 2007-05-14 00:06:10    Post subject: Reply with quote

龙飞 wrote:
感谢诸位的点评!
在这首诗中我只想倾诉一下自己烦躁的心情,
我以为,诗是言情的文学样式.

诗是言情的,正因为这一点,我们才选择它!
一首好的诗作总浸透着作者的深情,有了情,方能打动读者!
期待龙飞再出佳作!
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