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平湖月影 Previous  [1]2
风动
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Joined: 15 Dec 2006
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风动Collection
PostPosted: 2012-09-21 10:31:43    Post subject: Reply with quote

第四以后,明显成熟而完美。越往后读,越感动。
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风动
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Joined: 15 Dec 2006
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风动Collection
PostPosted: 2012-09-21 10:35:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

“有风吹过,你的心曲便乱了”大气而成熟,富有美感。非常有份量,堪称佳句。
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风动
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Joined: 15 Dec 2006
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风动Collection
PostPosted: 2012-09-21 10:37:21    Post subject: Reply with quote

“一望无际的大湖
波伏波涌”,铺垫的描述,准确而生动。
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风动
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风动Collection
PostPosted: 2012-09-21 10:38:52    Post subject: Reply with quote

“把一只小小的玉兔
忽而扯扁,忽而又捏长
莫测幻影” - 生动而形象,为后面的意旨作铺垫。
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风动
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风动Collection
PostPosted: 2012-09-21 10:40:40    Post subject: Reply with quote

“在黑色的瞳仁里布满了疑虑”这是整段的诗眼。诗歌到此,峰回路转,豁然开朗。如此构思,自然而巧妙。层次分明。
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风动
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Joined: 15 Dec 2006
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风动Collection
PostPosted: 2012-09-21 10:42:37    Post subject: Reply with quote

此时,再回头看“有风吹过,你的心曲便乱了”,又有新的收获了,诗歌的思想性又突然之间,更上一层楼了。
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风动
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风动Collection
PostPosted: 2012-09-21 10:43:49    Post subject: Reply with quote

这样的结构非常严谨,完整。语言很干净。
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风动
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风动Collection
PostPosted: 2012-09-21 10:45:48    Post subject: Reply with quote

第二段,相对就弱了些。
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2012-09-21 12:00:00    Post subject: Reply with quote

风动 wrote:
第二段,相对就弱了些。


诗歌有时会被一时的心态左右,这段属落潮状 Razz
很感谢你的评语,这样会让我们在改进诗歌的同时,清理自己的思绪。
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2012-09-23 10:03:33    Post subject: Reply with quote

(十一)
叔公早就死了,听说死于同胞的子弹
姨娘也早已死去,听说死于汉贼的铡刀
而亡灵不会死
是的,不会。

月光下,我们遥相举杯
桂花美酒
淹没了石碑上七位数字,你用七个音符击节
而歌:“哦,大汉
我的姐妹弟兄
同室操戈,何日止日?”
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2012-09-25 10:33:46    Post subject: Reply with quote

(十二)
踏着鼓点,我们起舞
搅动湍流和弦
又是谁雪白的罗裙?

她在寒宫。独处
当是一种境界,倘若跳出凡尘
想必也会心静如水,听凭吴刚的板斧
声声,声声。

五千年的砍伐,九月桂花飘香依然
我欲乘风
裁一缕月色,缝制羽衣霓裳
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hepingdao
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Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106

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PostPosted: 2012-09-25 13:03:35    Post subject: Reply with quote

举杯邀明月,天涯共此时
Very Happy
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为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
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PostPosted: 2012-09-29 09:20:06    Post subject: Reply with quote

(十三)
邂逅,在小别后的今天
我们已互不相识
文字在淡淡的墨迹里游离
逐渐变得朦胧
我知道,你在寻找一种感觉或者
呵护?
婴儿般的咿咿呀呀,唯有母亲懂得,准确无误的,
奶瓶,摇铃,尿片。

一代又一代轮回
犹如月圆月缺
忽而冠冕堂皇,忽而犹抱琵琶
半遮面

(十四)
呢哝皱了涟漪
一个圈儿, 又一个。
我数着波纹追踪, 锁定一尾银鳞
她吹灭浪尖的烛光
月便沉了

哦,我的美人鱼儿
今夜
你果真铁了心肠,不再唱歌?

记:2012年9月1日,与诗友安大略湖畔赏月,时逢农历7月16,同时也是较为罕见的蓝月第二日。
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冰清
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Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921

冰清Collection
PostPosted: 2012-09-29 11:58:07    Post subject: Reply with quote

月色溶溶,波光粼粼,大地宁静
唯其宁静,方能致远,方能海阔天空

澎湃心潮和宁静氛围相互映照、衬托,于是“树欲静而风不止”,于是,浪花翻腾,一泻千里...
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2012-10-02 03:53:02    Post subject: Reply with quote

冰清 wrote:
月色溶溶,波光粼粼,大地宁静
唯其宁静,方能致远,方能海阔天空

澎湃心潮和宁静氛围相互映照、衬托,于是“树欲静而风不止”,于是,浪花翻腾,一泻千里...
...


谢谢你长期以来的鼓励。
最近抽空读了克里希那穆提的《生与死的冥想》,更深刻的体会到“宁静致远”是穷其一生去追求却很难达到的境界,,, ,,,
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