Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
 Posted: 2011-12-02 13:21:59 Post subject: Autumn Road |
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The undulating road
leads to an unseen distance.
Showers of tree leaves
spin pirouettes on it,
until a car drives past.
The technicolor leaves,
the sky and earth converge
until a car drives into it.
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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William Zhou周道模
探花
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection |
| Posted: 2011-12-03 16:16:42 Post subject: |
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eyesight and mind follow the driving
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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非马
秀才
Joined: 22 Jun 2006
Posts: 907
Location: 芝加哥
非马Collection |
| Posted: 2011-12-04 07:26:18 Post subject: |
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Hi Lake, how does it sound if you change the "until" in the last line to "when" or "as" and leave out lines 3 to 5. Have a happy holiday season!
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http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm |
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Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2011-12-04 09:01:04 Post subject: |
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Thanks William for your take.
Best,
Lake
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2011-12-04 09:12:24 Post subject: |
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| 非马 wrote: |
| Hi Lake, how does it sound if you change the "until" in the last line to "when" or "as" and leave out lines 3 to 5. Have a happy holiday season! |
Thanks Mr Fei Ma for your suggestion. Do you mean this,
The undulating road
leads to an unseen distance.
The technicolor leaves,
the sky and earth converge
as a car drives into it.
A minimal?
Happy holiday season to you, too.
Lake
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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非马
秀才
Joined: 22 Jun 2006
Posts: 907
Location: 芝加哥
非马Collection |
| Posted: 2011-12-04 14:21:16 Post subject: |
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| Lake wrote: |
| 非马 wrote: |
| Hi Lake, how does it sound if you change the "until" in the last line to "when" or "as" and leave out lines 3 to 5. Have a happy holiday season! |
Thanks Mr Fei Ma for your suggestion. Do you mean this,
The undulating road
leads to an unseen distance.
The technicolor leaves,
the sky and earth converge
as a car drives into it.
A minimal?
Happy holiday season to you, too.
... |
Yes. I think it would read much better. Somehow I don't quite like the use of the word "until" here.
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欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm |
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博弈
榜眼
Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection |
| Posted: 2011-12-05 07:53:55 Post subject: |
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| 非马 wrote: |
| Hi Lake, how does it sound if you change the "until" in the last line to "when" or "as" |
I concur.
A poem with good imagery, a great potential!
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（在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美） |
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Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2011-12-08 07:30:29 Post subject: |
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Thanks again Mr. Fei Ma and Mark!
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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SLIU
秀才
Joined: 01 Jan 2010
Posts: 384
SLIUCollection |
| Posted: 2011-12-20 20:17:12 Post subject: |
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the winding road
takes me to
where the sky and earth converge
and
beyond |
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Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2012-01-02 05:55:18 Post subject: |
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谢谢sliu 瘦身。
Some say it is too skinny to their taste.
Happy new year!
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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