Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
 发表于: 2011-12-02 13:21:59 发表主题: Autumn Road |
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The undulating road
leads to an unseen distance.
Showers of tree leaves
spin pirouettes on it,
until a car drives past.
The technicolor leaves,
the sky and earth converge
until a car drives into it.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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William Zhou周道模
探花
注册时间: 2007-06-10
帖子: 3950
来自: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2011-12-03 16:16:42 发表主题: |
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eyesight and mind follow the driving
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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非马
秀才
注册时间: 2006-06-22
帖子: 907
来自: 芝加哥
非马北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2011-12-04 07:26:18 发表主题: |
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Hi Lake, how does it sound if you change the "until" in the last line to "when" or "as" and leave out lines 3 to 5. Have a happy holiday season!
_________________
欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2011-12-04 09:01:04 发表主题: |
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Thanks William for your take.
Best,
Lake
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2011-12-04 09:12:24 发表主题: |
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| 非马 写到: |
| Hi Lake, how does it sound if you change the "until" in the last line to "when" or "as" and leave out lines 3 to 5. Have a happy holiday season! |
Thanks Mr Fei Ma for your suggestion. Do you mean this,
The undulating road
leads to an unseen distance.
The technicolor leaves,
the sky and earth converge
as a car drives into it.
A minimal?
Happy holiday season to you, too.
Lake
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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非马
秀才
注册时间: 2006-06-22
帖子: 907
来自: 芝加哥
非马北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2011-12-04 14:21:16 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: |
| 非马 写到: |
| Hi Lake, how does it sound if you change the "until" in the last line to "when" or "as" and leave out lines 3 to 5. Have a happy holiday season! |
Thanks Mr Fei Ma for your suggestion. Do you mean this,
The undulating road
leads to an unseen distance.
The technicolor leaves,
the sky and earth converge
as a car drives into it.
A minimal?
Happy holiday season to you, too.
... |
Yes. I think it would read much better. Somehow I don't quite like the use of the word "until" here.
_________________
欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm |
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博弈
榜眼
注册时间: 2006-12-21
帖子: 4381
来自: SFO
博弈北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2011-12-05 07:53:55 发表主题: |
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| Hi Lake, how does it sound if you change the "until" in the last line to "when" or "as" |
I concur.
A poem with good imagery, a great potential!
_________________
（在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美） |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2011-12-08 07:30:29 发表主题: |
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Thanks again Mr. Fei Ma and Mark!
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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SLIU
秀才
注册时间: 2010-01-01
帖子: 384
SLIU北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2011-12-20 20:17:12 发表主题: |
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the winding road
takes me to
where the sky and earth converge
and
beyond |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2012-01-02 05:55:18 发表主题: |
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谢谢sliu 瘦身。
Some say it is too skinny to their taste.
Happy new year!
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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