Rhapsodia
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Location: BC
RhapsodiaCollection |
 Posted: 2011-02-25 15:20:01 Post subject: 【中译英】《稻穗》 文/阿雨 译/晚枫 |
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《稻穗》 文/阿雨
土生
土长
因为成熟
低下头颅害羞
沉甸甸的
那诱人的饱满啊
叫窃喜的男人
怎不
痒了心房
镰刀
粗暴的迎娶
此刻
你不知是害怕
还是疼痛着幸福？
Rice Ear
by Ah Yu
tr Rhapsodia
Locally born
And bred
Only she’s ripe
Her head hangs, shy
So heavy
Oh, the inviting fullness
Can hardly stop men
Chuckling to themselves
From
Itching at heart
The sickle
Rudely marries her
This moment
Aren’t you frightened
Or happy in the pain? |
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Lake
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Posts: 1286
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| Posted: 2011-02-25 17:59:54 Post subject: |
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[quote="Rhapsodia"土生
土长
There born
There bred
...[/quote]
good poem.
there born
there bred
理解,译文想要对应中文的词序，但总感觉有点怪，有些...嗯...突兀的感觉。
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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Rhapsodia
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Posts: 26
Location: BC
RhapsodiaCollection |
| Posted: 2011-02-26 20:30:24 Post subject: |
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| right on point! raked hard for a proper expression, but found some words are either too specific or lacking the hidden sense of this "pun". Any good ideas, Lake? |
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William Zhou周道模
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Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
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| Posted: 2011-02-27 02:45:45 Post subject: |
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read and thanks! good luck to you !
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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Lake
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Posts: 1286
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| Posted: 2011-02-27 05:48:05 Post subject: |
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读起来挺性感的（sexual）。
不知理解的对不对，我觉得这里“土生 /土长”强调的是本地，当地的意思。人和植物都可用“土生 /土长 ”。这样简单一下，可考虑
locally born
and grown
或
locally born
and bred
起码意思上比较清楚。而且市场上卖蔬菜也见标有“locally grown" 的牌子的。“稻子”当然是从地里（soil）长出来的，不知是否有必要添加这一笔。
浅见。仅供参考。
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Rhapsodia
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| Posted: 2011-03-01 08:55:35 Post subject: |
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| Thx, Lake. At least you ease me out of my hesitation with diction selection. Thank you. I will revise it later. |
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戴玨
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| Posted: 2011-03-06 06:21:48 Post subject: |
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Only she’s ripe
and shy, hanging her head
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Rhapsodia
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| Posted: 2011-03-06 11:41:29 Post subject: |
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| 戴玨 wrote: |
Only she’s ripe
and shy, hanging her head |
So “being ripe” and “shy” are serve the reasons for "hanging her head"? |
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戴玨
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| Posted: 2011-03-07 01:56:08 Post subject: |
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| Rhapsodia wrote: |
| 戴玨 wrote: |
Only she’s ripe
and shy, hanging her head |
So “being ripe” and “shy” are serve the reasons for "hanging her head"? |
So that the sentence flows smoothly, and that seems to be your style of translating this poem, otherwise you wouldn't write 'Only she's ripe...' but something like 'Because of ripeness/She's shy, hanging her head', which is literally closer to the original.
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Rhapsodia
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| Posted: 2011-03-09 11:08:01 Post subject: |
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| 戴玨 wrote: |
| Rhapsodia wrote: |
| 戴玨 wrote: |
Only she’s ripe
and shy, hanging her head |
So “being ripe” and “shy” are serve the reasons for "hanging her head"? |
So that the sentence flows smoothly, and that seems to be your style of translating this poem, otherwise you wouldn't write 'Only she's ripe...' but something like 'Because of ripeness/She's shy, hanging her head', which is literally closer to the original. |
Thank you very much for your discussion. But literally, I would say "because of ripeness/She's shy, hanging her head" can be 因为成熟/她害羞，所以低下头颅。But the original line "因为成熟/低下头颅害羞" can be understood in different ways. One of them can be that both 低下头颅 and害羞 serve as verbal predicates. Another possibility can be 害羞 is used as an adverb, modifying 低下头颅 as “害羞地低下头颅。” In my personal opinion, "Only she's ripe/and shy, haning her head" shows a different syntax, that is both "being ripe" and "shy" serve as the reasons why she hangs her head. And this, to me, doesn't seem to be closer to the original meaning.
This "Only she's ripe / she hangs her head, shy" does have a problem --- inversion . How about:
Only she's ripe / Does she hangs her head, shy
Again, thank you 戴玨! |
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戴玨
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
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| Posted: 2011-03-10 06:30:22 Post subject: |
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'hanging her head' is a participial phrase, it functions as an adjective modifying 'she'. Another way to look at it: it's a non-finite clause, i.e. a subordinate clause that has a logical relationship with the main clause 'Because of ripeness /she's shy'. 'Because of ripeness' is a prepositional phrase, it serves as an adverbial to the main clause, it does not have a logical relationship with subordinate clauses.
On the other hand, if you want to stick to the original word order, your second interpretation is just fine: "Because of ripeness/she hangs her head shyly".
BTW, in a structure like 'Only she is...', 'Only' means 'except that, but' or 'were it not for the fact that '.
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