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七绝 游子
弹剑作歌
童生


Joined: 11 Mar 2007
Posts: 68

弹剑作歌Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-22 00:28:48    Post subject: 七绝 游子 Reply with quote
天色黄昏独望霞，飘零异域宿谁家？
问风可有相思豆，昨夜开成一树花！
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秋叶
秀才


Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 769

秋叶Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-22 07:45:51    Post subject: Re: 七绝 游子 Reply with quote
问风可有相思豆，昨夜开成一树花！

弹剑兄好句！

提一点，"天色黄昏"好象有点浪费， 供参考。
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-22 13:27:44    Post subject: Re: 七绝 游子 Reply with quote
弹剑作歌 wrote:
天色黄昏独望霞，飘零异域宿谁家？
问风可有相思豆，昨夜开成一树花！


商榷:

"寂寞黄昏独望霞" 是否可以让人感觉到加入了多一点人性的东西?
己见, 不妥见谅. Embarassed
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聽雲館主
秀才


Joined: 03 Mar 2007
Posts: 361
Location: Canada
聽雲館主Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-22 13:52:10    Post subject: Reply with quote
相思紅豆燦朝霞，又送相思到那家？
誤種多情紅豆子，春風催發斷腸花。

臨屏次韻紅豆詩七絕一首，不成敬意！
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壇前易解拈花意 席上難逢顧曲心
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弹剑作歌
童生


Joined: 11 Mar 2007
Posts: 68

弹剑作歌Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-22 19:14:17    Post subject: Re: 七绝 游子 Reply with quote
秋叶 wrote:
问风可有相思豆，昨夜开成一树花！

弹剑兄好句！

提一点，"天色黄昏"好象有点浪费， 供参考。

诚如秋叶版主所言，前四字浪费。将“色”改为“近”如何？
另：1、白水兄的意见不错，可考虑为“寂寞黄昏望落霞”。
2、听云馆主的和诗好，尤其后两句“誤種多情紅豆子，春風催發斷腸花。”甚妙，多谢！
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暗香如沁
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Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 885
Location: 北京
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PostPosted: 2007-03-23 03:40:52    Post subject: Reply with quote
都好都好。我进来学习。
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http://blog.sina.com.cn/axrq用寂寞谱写最美的舞曲~
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戴玨
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808

戴玨Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-24 04:41:02    Post subject: Re: 七绝 游子 Reply with quote
弹剑作歌 wrote:
秋叶 wrote:
问风可有相思豆，昨夜开成一树花！

弹剑兄好句！

提一点，"天色黄昏"好象有点浪费， 供参考。

诚如秋叶版主所言，前四字浪费。将“色”改为“近”如何？
另：1、白水兄的意见不错，可考虑为“寂寞黄昏望落霞”。

覺得改成“近”字好點，二句說飄零，前面又說寂寞就略顯重復了。
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