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七绝 游子
弹剑作歌
童生


Joined: 11 Mar 2007
Posts: 68

弹剑作歌Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-22 00:28:48    Post subject: 七绝 游子 Reply with quote

天色黄昏独望霞,飘零异域宿谁家?
问风可有相思豆,昨夜开成一树花!
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秋叶
秀才


Joined: 17 Feb 2007
Posts: 769

秋叶Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-22 07:45:51    Post subject: Re: 七绝 游子 Reply with quote

问风可有相思豆,昨夜开成一树花!

弹剑兄好句!

提一点,"天色黄昏"好象有点浪费, 供参考。
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-22 13:27:44    Post subject: Re: 七绝 游子 Reply with quote

弹剑作歌 wrote:
天色黄昏独望霞,飘零异域宿谁家?
问风可有相思豆,昨夜开成一树花!


商榷:

"寂寞黄昏独望霞" 是否可以让人感觉到加入了多一点人性的东西?
己见, 不妥见谅. Embarassed
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聽雲館主
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Joined: 03 Mar 2007
Posts: 361
Location: Canada
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PostPosted: 2007-03-22 13:52:10    Post subject: Reply with quote

相思紅豆燦朝霞,又送相思到那家?
誤種多情紅豆子,春風催發斷腸花。

臨屏次韻紅豆詩七絕一首,不成敬意!
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壇前易解拈花意 席上難逢顧曲心
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弹剑作歌
童生


Joined: 11 Mar 2007
Posts: 68

弹剑作歌Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-22 19:14:17    Post subject: Re: 七绝 游子 Reply with quote

秋叶 wrote:
问风可有相思豆,昨夜开成一树花!

弹剑兄好句!

提一点,"天色黄昏"好象有点浪费, 供参考。

诚如秋叶版主所言,前四字浪费。将“色”改为“近”如何?
另:1、白水兄的意见不错,可考虑为“寂寞黄昏望落霞”。
2、听云馆主的和诗好,尤其后两句“誤種多情紅豆子,春風催發斷腸花。”甚妙,多谢!
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暗香如沁
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Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 885
Location: 北京
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PostPosted: 2007-03-23 03:40:52    Post subject: Reply with quote

都好都好。我进来学习。
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http://blog.sina.com.cn/axrq用寂寞谱写最美的舞曲~
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戴玨
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808

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PostPosted: 2007-03-24 04:41:02    Post subject: Re: 七绝 游子 Reply with quote

弹剑作歌 wrote:
秋叶 wrote:
问风可有相思豆,昨夜开成一树花!

弹剑兄好句!

提一点,"天色黄昏"好象有点浪费, 供参考。

诚如秋叶版主所言,前四字浪费。将“色”改为“近”如何?
另:1、白水兄的意见不错,可考虑为“寂寞黄昏望落霞”。

覺得改成“近”字好點,二句說飄零,前面又說寂寞就略顯重復了。
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