弹剑作歌 童生
Joined: 11 Mar 2007 Posts: 68
弹剑作歌Collection |
Posted: 2007-03-22 00:28:48 Post subject: 七绝 游子 |
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天色黄昏独望霞,飘零异域宿谁家?
问风可有相思豆,昨夜开成一树花! |
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秋叶 秀才
Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 769
秋叶Collection |
Posted: 2007-03-22 07:45:51 Post subject: Re: 七绝 游子 |
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问风可有相思豆,昨夜开成一树花!
弹剑兄好句!
提一点,"天色黄昏"好象有点浪费, 供参考。 |
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白水 大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006 Posts: 14102 Location: TORONTO 白水Collection |
Posted: 2007-03-22 13:27:44 Post subject: Re: 七绝 游子 |
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弹剑作歌 wrote: |
天色黄昏独望霞,飘零异域宿谁家?
问风可有相思豆,昨夜开成一树花! |
商榷:
"寂寞黄昏独望霞" 是否可以让人感觉到加入了多一点人性的东西?
己见, 不妥见谅.  |
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聽雲館主 秀才

Joined: 03 Mar 2007 Posts: 361 Location: Canada 聽雲館主Collection |
Posted: 2007-03-22 13:52:10 Post subject: |
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相思紅豆燦朝霞,又送相思到那家?
誤種多情紅豆子,春風催發斷腸花。
臨屏次韻紅豆詩七絕一首,不成敬意! _________________ 壇前易解拈花意 席上難逢顧曲心 |
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弹剑作歌 童生
Joined: 11 Mar 2007 Posts: 68
弹剑作歌Collection |
Posted: 2007-03-22 19:14:17 Post subject: Re: 七绝 游子 |
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秋叶 wrote: |
问风可有相思豆,昨夜开成一树花!
弹剑兄好句!
提一点,"天色黄昏"好象有点浪费, 供参考。 |
诚如秋叶版主所言,前四字浪费。将“色”改为“近”如何?
另:1、白水兄的意见不错,可考虑为“寂寞黄昏望落霞”。
2、听云馆主的和诗好,尤其后两句“誤種多情紅豆子,春風催發斷腸花。”甚妙,多谢! |
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暗香如沁 秀才
Joined: 14 Jan 2007 Posts: 885 Location: 北京 暗香如沁Collection |
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戴玨 秀才

Joined: 03 Jan 2007 Posts: 808
戴玨Collection |
Posted: 2007-03-24 04:41:02 Post subject: Re: 七绝 游子 |
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弹剑作歌 wrote: |
秋叶 wrote: |
问风可有相思豆,昨夜开成一树花!
弹剑兄好句!
提一点,"天色黄昏"好象有点浪费, 供参考。 |
诚如秋叶版主所言,前四字浪费。将“色”改为“近”如何?
另:1、白水兄的意见不错,可考虑为“寂寞黄昏望落霞”。
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覺得改成“近”字好點,二句說飄零,前面又說寂寞就略顯重復了。 _________________ I labour by singing light
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