白水
大学士
zhùcèshíjiān: 2006-10-02
tièzǐ: 14102
láizì: TORONTO
白水běiměifēngwénjí |
 fābiǎoyú: 2010-03-18 21:51:43 fābiǎozhùtí: |
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| Lake xièdào: |
| 白水 Moonlight xièdào: |
""those white papers gather clouds
falling, slowly"
你没的说错，是clouds在falling。My Dear Lake, pls展开你的想象的翅膀（套磁，酸一个wink:），那些白纸（或纸灰）飘在天上（像鸟，蝴蝶）去捕捉，采集云彩并和其滚成一团的景象，然后Falling，，，，，，这么美的景象居然没反应，伤心
打字好麻烦呵 。。。。。。。。。 : ... |
我也伤心啊，你的话怎么没把我说明白呀？怎么有歧义呢，是纸在落还是云在落还是两者搀杂在一起落？我最近在学习critique，还请多成全，包含。这是作业！ |
明天早晨喝咖啡时加点牛奶进去瞧瞧  |
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Lake
举人
zhùcèshíjiān: 2007-01-09
tièzǐ: 1286
Lakeběiměifēngwénjí |
| fābiǎoyú: 2010-03-19 07:20:12 fābiǎozhùtí: |
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| 白水 Moonlight xièdào: |
| 我们还是直接问身边的美国鬼子吧。 |
好，你信鬼。last night 去了一趟墓地，今早“诗鬼发来一封伊妹”：
Hi again, Lake
As it stands , the title "Last Night" can mean both and I think maybe that is the poet's intention? (Is this your intention?)
I read "Last Night - it's over" as one phrase.
If you want it to mean only "final" then you would perhaps say "The Last Night" or "Our Last Night" .
If you really wanted it to suggest only "Yesterday evening/early hours etc" then maybe "Last Night is over".
-From Poets' Graves
PS:"as a soft quilt covers on an exhausted body" -would it be better to say "covers up" or no prepositions? It's your call, of course. Just my thought. And let me know you are annoyed, then I'll stop. 
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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白水
大学士
zhùcèshíjiān: 2006-10-02
tièzǐ: 14102
láizì: TORONTO
白水běiměifēngwénjí |
| fābiǎoyú: 2010-03-19 09:05:16 fābiǎozhùtí: |
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Hi, lake
It seems the Americans say is not exactly the same, this is my worry. I'm going to ask other friends and then confirm, only because the interest in.
But "the title 'Last Night' can mean both" is good enough to answer my question,he's right, that is the my intention. Thanks a lot and pls say "Hi" to your friend.
By the way, do you think this one better?
Last Night
It's over
I know, all is done
like white paper gathering cloud
floatting, falling
slowly and slowly
as a soft quilt over an exhausted body
it is a dream
I know, it's a sweet dream with bitter
who is in the cloud swirling in shiny skirt
flying with breeze
and then fading into the sky
"where are you?"
I cry: " where are you?!"
and I can not see
I cry, again
and again |
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Lake
举人
zhùcèshíjiān: 2007-01-09
tièzǐ: 1286
Lakeběiměifēngwénjí |
| fābiǎoyú: 2010-03-19 09:36:19 fābiǎozhùtí: |
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People don't say exactly the same thing, believe me. So 跟着感觉走。
Ambiguity is not necessarily a bad thing. In conversation, last night can only mean yesterday evening/early hours. If you want it to mean the final night, it's better to say my last night, the last night.
My only concern is "而Last Night 则用于现在时或将来时， 意思是“最后的夜晚/最后一夜". That's not true, I don't care who said it. It can still mean both. Last night - it's over, I'm so glad (bad experience).
Since you want it both ways, you can leave it the way it is.
I feel less confident to give my opinions on others' works now, but I think
"and then fading in to the sky " - " in to" can be one word "into".
"like white paper gathering cloud " -" cloud "can take its plural form "clouds"
Sorry to make you work hard, but looking forward to its final version.
Best,
Lake
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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白水
大学士
zhùcèshíjiān: 2006-10-02
tièzǐ: 14102
láizì: TORONTO
白水běiměifēngwénjí |
| fābiǎoyú: 2010-03-19 10:53:20 fābiǎozhùtí: |
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 "in to" was a slip of the pen, I changed it. Maybe I will re-consider the whole poem later.
Have a nice weekend |
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SLIU
秀才
zhùcèshíjiān: 2010-01-01
tièzǐ: 384
SLIUběiměifēngwénjí |
| fābiǎoyú: 2010-04-02 00:04:57 fābiǎozhùtí: |
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the end of one thing maybe the start of another... 问好！  |
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