SLIU
秀才
Joined: 01 Jan 2010
Posts: 384
SLIUCollection |
 Posted: 2010-01-04 20:10:34 Post subject: Lotus Gathering 采莲曲 |
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采莲曲
莲舟暧乃叠碧开
婀娜身姿莲蓬采
欢歌声声透芦荡
晚霞一抹听歌来
Lotus Gathering
For the lotus boat the lush greens were parting
A graceful figure was lotus gathering
Through reed marshes joyous songs were echoing
A touch of sunset glow was attracted to the singing |
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hepingdao
Site Admin
Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106
hepingdaoCollection |
| Posted: 2010-01-04 20:50:37 Post subject: |
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我刚想说用一般现在时，但韵就去掉了
问好
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SLIU
秀才
Joined: 01 Jan 2010
Posts: 384
SLIUCollection |
| Posted: 2010-01-04 21:35:31 Post subject: |
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| hepingdao wrote: |
我刚想说用一般现在时，但韵就去掉了
问好 |
问候hepingdao，谢谢建议。
小诗是回忆以前的一个真实场景，就用了过去时。因为采莲是动态的，进行时比较生动，就用了过去进行时。
如有不当之处，还请多多指正。 |
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Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2010-01-05 21:54:08 Post subject: |
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Hi sliu,
I'm inclined to agree with hepingdao. Present tense has a sense of immediacy, besides, I'm not very keen on -ing rhymes which sound not very natural. Anyway, it's all up to the personal taste. But I always appreciate those who translate form-poetry.
Cheers,
Lake
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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SLIU
秀才
Joined: 01 Jan 2010
Posts: 384
SLIUCollection |
| Posted: 2010-01-06 07:12:36 Post subject: |
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Hi Lake:
Thank you very much for your comment. I do appreciated it. It's really helpful to hear different opinions.
Best wishes!
sliu |
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戴玨
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808
戴玨Collection |
| Posted: 2010-01-07 14:59:12 Post subject: |
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暧乃？欸乃吧？英文也沒把這詞譯出來。
“采”字仄聲，不能和“开”、“来”這些平聲字押韻。
三四句，“欢歌声声”和“听歌”略顯重復，整體詩意和王昌齡的一首有點相似：
荷葉羅裙一色裁， 芙蓉向臉兩邊開。
亂入池中看不見， 聞歌始覺有人來。
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SLIU
秀才
Joined: 01 Jan 2010
Posts: 384
SLIUCollection |
| Posted: 2010-01-08 21:27:54 Post subject: |
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您好！非常感谢您的建议！
是漏译了。 暧乃= 欸乃 自新华字典。
小诗并没注明是绝句，算是七言新诗吧，只求押韵，遵守的是“中华新韵”。所以就没必要关心平仄了。
顺祝新年好。
sliu |
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笑聊
探花
Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection |
| Posted: 2010-01-11 01:20:02 Post subject: |
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莲舟暧乃叠碧开
婀娜身姿莲蓬采 换成:婀娜身姿采蓬来
欢歌声声透芦荡
晚霞一抹听歌来 换成:晚霞一抹放歌回
这样一首七言古风就成了.既不失原诗韵味,又避开仄声入韵.不知朋友以为如何? |
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SLIU
秀才
Joined: 01 Jan 2010
Posts: 384
SLIUCollection |
| Posted: 2010-01-11 18:46:13 Post subject: |
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问候笑聊。
谢谢阅读和建议。 新诗变成旧诗了  哦，对呀，正应了您的签字：“怎敢不依旧” （开个玩笑） |
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笑聊
探花
Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection |
| Posted: 2010-01-11 20:01:35 Post subject: |
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哈哈，何谓新旧啊？  |
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白水
大学士
Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection |
| Posted: 2010-01-22 07:20:31 Post subject: |
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sliu6 好，看看这样行吗？
七绝 《采莲曲》
暧乃兰舟叠碧开
婀娜淑女采莲来
欢歌笑语飞芦荡
一抹晚霞踏浪回
请查短讯，谢谢。 |
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sfiawong
秀才
Joined: 05 May 2009
Posts: 813
Location: US/HK
sfiawongCollection |
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SLIU
秀才
Joined: 01 Jan 2010
Posts: 384
SLIUCollection |
| Posted: 2010-02-07 00:57:24 Post subject: |
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| 问好sfiawong 先生！多谢赏评。 顺祝春节愉快！ |
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