Lotus Gathering 采莲曲

[SLIU]

采莲曲

莲舟暧乃叠碧开
婀娜身姿莲蓬采
欢歌声声透芦荡
晚霞一抹听歌来

Lotus Gathering

For the lotus boat the lush greens were parting
A graceful figure was lotus gathering
Through reed marshes joyous songs were echoing
A touch of sunset glow was attracted to the singing

[hepingdao]

我刚想说用一般现在时，但韵就去掉了

问好
_________________
为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

[SLIU]

[Lake]

Hi sliu,

I'm inclined to agree with hepingdao. Present tense has a sense of immediacy, besides, I'm not very keen on -ing rhymes which sound not very natural. Anyway, it's all up to the personal taste. But I always appreciate those who translate form-poetry.

Cheers,

Lake
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[SLIU]

Hi Lake:

Thank you very much for your comment. I do appreciated it. It's really helpful to hear different opinions.

Best wishes!

sliu

[戴玨]

暧乃？欸乃吧？英文也沒把這詞譯出來。
“采”字仄聲，不能和“开”、“来”這些平聲字押韻。
三四句，“欢歌声声”和“听歌”略顯重復，整體詩意和王昌齡的一首有點相似：
荷葉羅裙一色裁， 芙蓉向臉兩邊開。
亂入池中看不見， 聞歌始覺有人來。
_________________
I labour by singing light
我的blog
我的專欄

[SLIU]

您好！非常感谢您的建议！

是漏译了。 暧乃= 欸乃 自新华字典。

小诗并没注明是绝句，算是七言新诗吧，只求押韵，遵守的是“中华新韵”。所以就没必要关心平仄了。

顺祝新年好。

sliu

[笑聊]

莲舟暧乃叠碧开
婀娜身姿莲蓬采 换成:婀娜身姿采蓬来
欢歌声声透芦荡
晚霞一抹听歌来 换成:晚霞一抹放歌回

这样一首七言古风就成了.既不失原诗韵味,又避开仄声入韵.不知朋友以为如何?

[SLIU]

问候笑聊。
谢谢阅读和建议。 新诗变成旧诗了 哦，对呀，正应了您的签字：“怎敢不依旧” （开个玩笑）

[笑聊]

哈哈，何谓新旧啊？

[白水]

sliu6 好，看看这样行吗？

七绝 《采莲曲》

暧乃兰舟叠碧开
婀娜淑女采莲来
欢歌笑语飞芦荡
一抹晚霞踏浪回

请查短讯，谢谢。

[sfiawong]

水準以上,歷來譯文是困難之事,
如顧全時態和韻音更見艱難更甚矣!
計的相當不錯了,欣賞了.
向君問好!
_________________
有評必回應.
Love your relatives and friends when they are near you.
我的英文詩:
http://poemhunter.com/albert-wong
http://facebook.com/sfiawong

[SLIU]

问好sfiawong 先生！多谢赏评。 顺祝春节愉快！