Ominous Signs

[Lake]

Ominous Signs

Dusk, birds in haste fly home.
Then darkness creeps in. Strange，
cats climb up trees; dogs
bark far and near; fish
jump out of bubbling water.
A night like this is rare.

Before dawn, earth starts to quake
and crack as if a train clangs and clanks
along, while doors and windows
squeak and squawk, walls and roofs
moan and groan, collapsing in dust.
In a blink the city in ruins.

Stillness. Moon and stars hide
behind black clouds. A girl
unaware of how she crawled
out of rubble, shivers. A cry for help
from underneath. Not long the voice fades.
If uncertain before, now she knows.
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[kokho]

Ominous Signs

Dusk, birds fly home in haste.
Then darkness creeps in. Strangely，
cats rush up trees; dogs
bark all over; fishes
jump out of bubbling water.
...A night like this is rare.

Before dawn, earth starts to quake
and crack as if a train clangs and clanks
along, while doors and windows
squeak and squawk, walls and roofs
moan and groan, collapsing in dust.
In a blink the city in ruins.

Stillness. Moon and stars hide
behind black clouds. A girl
unaware of how she crawled
out of rubble, shivers. A cry for help
from underneath. A while and the voice fades.
If uncertain before, now she knows.
_________________

<> A few suggestions even out our common Chinese traits... )



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乒乓、摄影、诗歌

[Lake]

Welcome back and thanks for your read and critique.

[kokho]

"Soon, the voice fades"

This is better...


_________________
乒乓、摄影、诗歌

[Lake]

[kokho]

birds in haste /fly home 《》 慌张的鸟 （无奈的）回家了。

The birds are in state of haste, and may have a few options...

fly away..
land on ground
land on roof
land on electrical wire

But they chosen to fly home (which is assume to be far away)

《》=============================《》

birds fly home in haste 《》 鸟 慌张的赶回家。

The Birds are single-minded about getting home

They are getting home not leisurely;
but in haste...

<<<>>> In story telling or shooting movie there are lots of difference
. on this two sentences.
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌

[kokho]

Put it the other way: It is strange that cats...dogs...fish..
Does it make sense?


It is strange that cats dogs and fish are not eating at all today )

..
_________________
乒乓、摄影、诗歌

[Lake]

谢谢Kokho花时间详细阐述。

in haste, 当时描述的是鸟急急忙忙地飞回家。
没想到放前放后还有这么些区别。

谢谢你的suggestions, 你提出的这些问题，着实让我仔细地琢磨了一阵。

以后继续仔细读认真评啊。
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[kokho]

跟你谈诗 我好像功力精进。。。

你做学问认真，我也受影响 !!!

好事 。



。
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌

[William Zhou周道模]

友好，专业，深入。我受益了也致谢了！
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模