Form In a vast field that revives the spring weeds a green grasshopper— wearing his own suit to conceal himself In the stillness A winding trail sunlight dim in the woods — empty park sudden splash: a mother duck leads her brood paddling away
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注册时间: 2007-01-09帖子: 1286
The first poem's my favourite - there's something about the personification of the grasshopper wearing a suit for concealment, not for show. Although you could argue that it was an occasional suit. I would suggest a change in the first line of V2 in Evening Stroll - Nearby a sudden water splash a mother duck leads her brood swimming away. Sudden splash: a mother duck leads her brood swimming (paddling?) away. good stuff Barrie Sat Oct 20, 2007
Form: the last line could be made more active: conceals himself. This would also complete the circuit made by the first line (i.e. the "grasshopper" conceals himself "in a vast field". The actions of both object(grasshopper) and observer (poet/reader) are thus diagrammed from outer/larger to inner/singular and back again. DuglasMark Thu May 07, 2009