Lake
举人
 注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
|
 发表于: 2009-04-19 15:26:39 发表主题: 
cdsegaller
I looked up the meaning of 'ksana' first, and I think knowing it enhanced the reading experience, so it could be an idea to write a note at the beginning about this (for those who don't want to look it up)
Each one of the four is like a bubble which floats into the air then pops quietly - perfect, light, soft and round. They each felt very vivid.
I love the word 'puggle' - pug dog yes? It's a very soft sounding word and the image of him disappearing into the primroses was delightful. Also the sounds of the words 'vigorous' and 'clivia' work so well together. In fact, softness really came through I felt, throughout.
The feeling of time passing is very meditative, I feel, in this poem. And the ending is still full of life - I love the 'maple shaking off dry leaves'. There's a feeling of things carrying on after the poem's ended. Really enjoyable, thanks.
nerker
hey,
this poem is a real success. I agree with the Ksana note. I looked it up too and the definition informs the poem ten fold.
However, I wonder how you feel about this note dropping? I ask because I'm dealing with similar turf in some poems I wrote while in Japan and Cambodia. Do you define that nice term that you enjoy or let the reader seek it out?
Perhaps in the definition, there's beginnings of a title...
I enjoy 1,2,4...
#3, with Father there, is obviously not as "light" as the others. though it's integral. I think it's the "helpless on the couch" line for me...doesn't "once vigourous" say it all without pitting a couch against the rest of the nature imagery?
well done with #4, I'd say that squirrel has a lot more than color to grab...
TLatham
Nicely done. I particularly liked the last strophe, and especially the last line. Very descriptive, with great imagery. Keep writing!
Brad
I very much like the way this this modulates outward, from the lyric, to the personal, to the universal.
Each stanza is strong.
I think an opening gloss about the word would be a good thing.
Not only would such a gloss give readers necessary information, but it also makes a kind of threshold, establishing a separate, private place for the poem to occur.
Perhaps these are ksanas, plural: four instants of experience and realization. Perhaps you've just invented a new form, similar to haiku.
1. I love dogs, and primroses are my favorite flower. (They seem like magic.) So, I have a hard time being objective. But, c'mon.... primroses are little, and flat. I can imagine your dog disappearing into the hydrangeas, but the primroses? Give me a break!
2. I suppose "splish or spash" is conventional frog/fog imagery... perhaps a bit obvious. But it just sounds so good. Chewy, and very frog-like. And I really like the idea of a meditating frog.
3. A painfully intimate stanza. The first line hits you in the face, but the other thing -- the main thing -- that hits me about this, is the gesture this once-strong man is making. He's pointing to the clivia. A flower. This strong man finds something important in a flower. And, it's a clivia. My clivia blooms infrequently. It may well be the last time he sees a clivia bloom. As I said, painful. Also, beautiful.
4. I'm not sure I like just "Maple" as a line by itself. It doesn't suck. I haven't crossed you off my Christmas card list (which I would have if I sent Christmas cards)... but, I'm not sure about it. I do, though, so like the fact that these are dry leaves. On the whole, autumn seems to me soggy. But, the leaves actually fall off because they're dry. A little bit of horn or callous or something (I forget the botanical term) grows at the base of the stem, and the leaf is starved of moisture, and the green chlorophyl cells die or wither, and that's how we get the beauty of autumn leaves. So, I relish this bit of precision in the poem.
"A squirrel scurries" ... OK... what's not to love? I love sound. And, "grabbing"! Grabbing is perfect. I don't think you should change "grabbing". In fact, if you do change grabbing, I will create a Christmas card list just so I can cross you off it.
Basically, I think this is absolutely beautiful, but you should re-think the primroses, because -- although they are magic flowers -- it's hard for a dog to actually disappear into them.
p.s. When writing about stanza three, I started crying. I think that's important.
Apr 19, 2009
|