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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

有一年黄昏

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-11-01 00:05:52 Post subject: 有一年黄昏

《有一年黄昏》村中又盖了几座新房坡上的墓地又添了几座新坟这些我都不问我只是问，河边的那棵老树是不是还在只要那棵树一年不倒树下土房子里的老人就会多活一年每天我都看得见树上挂着那只竹篮像一盏灯照耀着那个老人的一天有一年黄昏我看见他站在房顶用玉米喂树上的喜鹊那么多鸟围着他他高兴地双臂挥动好像要飞现在，我看见有个少年一直在河对岸默默地望着他脸上一遍又一遍淌着泪水 _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2007-11-01 00:21:32 Post subject:

感觉和意境都不错。但需要过滤。写得有点匆忙。 _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

了因大兄
秀才

Joined: 15 Nov 2006
Posts: 209

了因大兄Collection

Posted: 2007-11-01 01:46:06 Post subject:

读了.问好! _________________ 我不是树上的黑木耳，我被爱过不能随随便便不回家 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1236932795

杯中冲浪
进士出身

Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection

Posted: 2007-11-01 07:32:39 Post subject:

第二节已经很出新意了，最后一节又再生端倪，有些山重水复的味道。 _________________ 杯中冲浪.披履而行 http://blog.sina.com.cn/shoutao006

顾小花
童生

Joined: 23 Aug 2007
Posts: 80
Location: 中国南京
顾小花Collection

Posted: 2007-11-01 15:26:33 Post subject:

令我们感动的不是惊天动地,只是生活的点点滴滴,切入好,问候. _________________ 春风吹又生:http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1285636777

彭世学
秀才

Joined: 24 Jun 2007
Posts: 187
Location: 中国
彭世学Collection

Posted: 2007-11-01 18:18:01 Post subject:

质朴的语言下，有着人间的温暖！问好诗人！！ _________________ 认为诗是悬崖上的孤松，栖鸟是她唯一的养料我的博客： http://blog.sina.com.cn/pengshixue 《网文荟萃》报：http://bbs.wangwenw.com/index.asp

冰夕
童生

Joined: 10 Oct 2007
Posts: 92
Location: 台灣北部
冰夕Collection

Posted: 2007-11-02 09:57:27 Post subject:

《有一年黄昏》村中又盖了几座新房坡上的墓地又添了几座新坟＊枯荣如斯，鲜明人世起伏百态的对比而剖见。 _________________ 阅夜.冰小夕 http://blog.sina.com.tw/faninsa223/

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-11-02 10:37:44 Post subject:

很欣赏这首诗歌的内涵和切入角. 文字再稍作调整, 应属上成佳作. 问好海军.

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-11-03 03:55:07 Post subject:

有一年黄昏我看见他站在房顶用玉米喂树上的喜鹊那么多鸟围着他他高兴地双臂挥动好像要飞欣赏海军的诗歌，问好！

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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