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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

短的, 扔这里吧

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nobody
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Posted: 2007-08-29 17:21:40 Post subject: 短的, 扔这里吧

男人 aug 29, 07 男人是锁着的空抽屉而我，只是怕人往里放贵重的东西 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

hepingdao
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Posted: 2007-08-29 18:06:08 Post subject:

要敢作敢为呀 _________________ 为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

nobody
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Posted: 2007-08-29 18:29:37 Post subject:

hepingdao wrote:

要敢作敢为呀

问候新朋友

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白水
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Posted: 2007-08-29 19:14:29 Post subject:

那就锁着吧

nobody
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Posted: 2007-08-29 19:24:03 Post subject:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

那就锁着吧

主要是自己也找不着key了.
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白水
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Posted: 2007-08-29 19:27:05 Post subject:

nobody wrote:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

那就锁着吧

主要是自己也找不着key了.

我看你的KEY随时都在手上呢, 要不删帖那么快 Confused

司马策风
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Posted: 2007-08-29 19:33:13 Post subject:

老兄好：微型诗歌最紧要是构思别致，有一句佳句或特别警策的语言，方能成为“核武器” 兄之第一句新颖，只是第二句似乎还不够哟。 _________________ 《北美枫》司马策风文集 http://www.maplereview.org/best.php?t=8676

nobody
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Posted: 2007-08-29 20:02:46 Post subject:

司马策风 wrote:

微型诗歌最紧要是构思别致，有一句佳句或特别警策的语言，方能成为“核武器”

兄之第一句新颖，只是第二句似乎还不够哟。

同感.谢谢.

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金金
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Posted: 2007-08-29 21:28:52 Post subject:

有点晕。。。。。。。。 _________________ http://blog.sina.com.cn/shirenjinjin

nobody
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Posted: 2007-08-29 21:47:44 Post subject:

金金 wrote:

有点晕。。。。。。。。

金金的意识流都让我晕好几万回了 Laughing

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新华
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Posted: 2007-08-29 22:21:59 Post subject:

男人是锁着的空抽屉而我，只是怕人往里放贵重的东西你是个好男人......写得有趣。

nobody
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Posted: 2007-08-29 22:47:49 Post subject:

多谢新华捧场. _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

半溪明月
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Posted: 2007-08-30 07:42:51 Post subject: Re: 短的, 扔这里吧

nobody wrote:

男人
aug 29, 07

男人
是锁着的空抽屉

而我，只是怕人
往里放贵重的东西

男人
是锁着的空抽屉

女人
是掌管抽屉的钥匙

戴玨
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Posted: 2007-08-30 14:54:36 Post subject: Re: 短的, 扔这里吧

半溪明月 wrote:

男人
是锁着的空抽屉

女人
是掌管抽屉的钥匙

男人
是鎖著的空抽屜

女人
是開不了抽屜的鑰匙 Wink

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hepingdao
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Posted: 2007-08-30 15:19:24 Post subject:

一扇门虚掩着一串钥匙扭扭捏捏一行黑字不敢推敲出响有足音渐渐消去... nobody has been here nobody can leave _________________ 为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

nobody
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Posted: 2007-08-30 17:56:06 Post subject:

原本平淡无奇，被以上三位演绎得活色生香。。。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

nobody
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Posted: 2007-08-30 17:57:27 Post subject:

锁着的空抽屉-〉男人之无料却故作深沉。 “我“也空着也锁着，却不是想故弄玄虚。一般来说上锁是怕人拿，“我“是怕人给。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

hepingdao
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Posted: 2007-08-30 19:31:33 Post subject:

干杯干完就不怕啦 _________________ 为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

半溪明月
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Posted: 2007-08-30 20:58:08 Post subject: Re: 短的, 扔这里吧

戴玨 wrote:

半溪明月 wrote:

男人
是锁着的空抽屉

女人
是掌管抽屉的钥匙

男人
是鎖著的空抽屜

女人
是開不了抽屜的鑰匙 Wink

你这句更好～

半溪明月
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

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Posted: 2007-08-30 21:13:18 Post subject:

hepingdao wrote:

一扇门
虚掩着

一串钥匙
扭扭捏捏

一行黑字
不敢推敲出响

有足音渐渐
消去...

nobody has been here
nobody can leave

Laughing

［明月乱弹］：岛主这几行字形象，值得细细品味，简洁，却值得＂推敲＂。这首在前面几个沙发回帖的基础上，“抽屉”（这首里用“门”代替了）、“钥匙”都有了明确的含义，所以读起来大家都很明了对象所指。＂虚掩＂、＂扭扭捏捏＂，随意的几笔，真是越读越有味道，尤其后一句的＂渐渐消去＂，而不用＂渐渐远去＂。“消”字用的绝妙，“远”是放在第三人称的感觉上，而“消”是在第一人称的感觉。一个＂消＂字，感觉到门背后有人在聆听，在期待。期待把＂虚掩＂的门来＂推敲＂。好诗，赞一个～ Very Happy

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