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小蜜
xctianbin
秀才


Joined: 08 Oct 2006
Posts: 105

xctianbinCollection
PostPosted: 2007-05-08 16:24:03    Post subject: 小蜜 Reply with quote

小蜜



田 斌



她使出了浑身解数

也极尽了温柔

她伸出她修长如魔的手

想挽留他归家似剑的心

来陪她即将产生的满屋子的孤独



可他刚才还耳鬓撕磨的话语

现在明显地硬了起来

他穿衣着装 顺理了一下心绪

他用他还有点人情味的手

轻抚了一下她的脸

便匆匆融入夜晚无边的黑











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韩少君
进士出身


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-08 16:29:17    Post subject: Reply with quote

小毕竟是小,和老大没法比。
准确。感受或者揣摩很准。
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靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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xctianbin
秀才


Joined: 08 Oct 2006
Posts: 105

xctianbinCollection
PostPosted: 2007-05-08 17:04:16    Post subject: Reply with quote

问好少君!
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-08 19:45:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

一把小小的手术刀, 切入一个小小的社会层面
不错的切入点
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赵福治
探花


Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-09 01:33:03    Post subject: Reply with quote

关注现实的.
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-09 04:46:43    Post subject: Reply with quote

田斌老师的题材总是很特殊~问好!
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xctianbin
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Joined: 08 Oct 2006
Posts: 105

xctianbinCollection
PostPosted: 2007-05-09 18:24:00    Post subject: Reply with quote

问好明月!
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司马策风
举人


Joined: 03 Dec 2006
Posts: 1211
Location: 温哥华
司马策风Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-09 21:49:45    Post subject: Reply with quote

抓住了一些场景特点。生动简练。

语言上可再提炼。

“想挽留他归家似剑的心 ”中的“剑”,应为“箭”之笔误。


问好
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xctianbin
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Joined: 08 Oct 2006
Posts: 105

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PostPosted: 2007-05-09 22:40:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

十分感谢!
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